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I don't have enough time here to write a whole entry. It's kinda sad. But there's a lot I want to say, too much that I want to say. It kinda sucks. Kinda is an oftenly used word for me. Hmm. Maybe that doesn't matter.

Today has been... good. It's weird, having a good day. A really good day. Well, not so good anymore because Scott and David were jerks and didn't like the movie I brought over to watch. Stupid jerks. I think it's a good movie. Maude liked it, too. *glares at them* yeah, anywho.

I got a job. ^_^ it's happy. And we won our water polo game, I made a goal. The rummage sale is going very well, it opens tomorrow, and even though it hasn't actually started yet we've made over $150. Isn't that spiffy? I've actually bought a few things. A doll for my secret pall for water polo and a shirt for me. I have two other things on hold because I plan to buy them. And I spent a while setting it up last today so I know it's going to be good. It's actually really good. I'm so excited. God, it's going to work out right. I was actually worried that we wouldn't have enough stuff and we'd look pathetic and not fill up the commons, but we're good. I left with most of the tables filled throughout the room, and just tons of stuff everywhere. We have four sofas, tons of clothes, three tables of stuffed animals, two of books, like four computers, several tvs, tables, and VCRs. Plus all the random junk that comes with a rummage sale. *spins in a circle, just not really* it's just really good. Like, I simply feel good. Like I'm not going to screw up. It's odd not to worry about screwing up, because it's a very easy thing to do. But tomorrow I won't. ^_^ it's happy.

So, let's talk a bit more about today, because it's relevent. I didn't do any homework last night, mostly because I didn't feel like it, so today I was swamped. But I got it all done, and not that poorly I might add. The math was quite easy, the science not too difficult, the gov... well, I probably didn't do too well on it, but I'll manage. I got the japanese journal done, with more than enough words. And the newspaper story is on its way to completion. It's just nice to not have all of this sitting on my shoulders. It's nice to be relaxed, knowning that these dates don't hang over your shoulder.

About the job, I had an interview at Taco Bell. Yes, I know, it's only Taco Bell. It's a fast food resteraunt, nothing big, nothing cool, nothing fantastic. But it's a job. And the lady was happy to hire me. Heck, she really wanted to. Call me pathetic, but I'm happy to know that someone wants me to work for them. It's nice to be wanted, or thought well of, or anything of that sort. You probably actually understand, so I'll leave it like that. But she took copies of my licence and food handler's card. She's getting me a name tag and ordering shirts and pants. She'll set me up to buy the shoes. It's simple stuff, really, but it's a big thing for me. ^_^ I don't know, I'm proud. I just feel like I accomplished something, something big. My other two jobs were shoe-ins. They weren't really me reaching out into the world, they were me going somewhere safe, where I knew I'd get the job. Not that I didn't know I'd get the Taco Bell job, but it was like applying for college: there's still that question. While I'm fully qualified and definately worth having as an employee (ask anyone, I'm a great worker) I often wonder if that "what if" will work against me.

Then, the game. It came after some work on the rummage sale, but it was wonderful. I wasn't really in that long, but I didn't need to be. I scored my point and was happy with it. It's just we were against our rival school, who was second in our district, and they're good and vicious and not an easy beat. They beat us by like five points last game. But we were neck and neck the whole game. And it was so fun to watch, and when we won... it was like we exploded. Everyone was screaming and chearing and jumping. My voice was already horse from the chearing during the game, but I happily joined in the group hug. Our rival (can't name them, sorry, let's call them... crap. Can't think of a good school name) was really, really mean. Like, they actually punched our girls. Twice. And the refories didn't card the girl. They ejected her (not the same, look up the rules), but that was crap. They saw her punch Abby in the face. *rolls eyes* morons. But yeah, I don't care how they grabbed us, hit us, pulled us, pushed us, we still kicked their asses when it counted, and damnit, it rocked. ^_^

Which leads me to something I would discus if I had the time. But it would take more than the few minutes I have left. But I was actually planning to jump into religion, which actually isn't a topic I spend much time talking about. Actually, I talk about religion often enough, just not normally mine. I'm actually against preaching to others, in some ways. I don't like to push religious beleifs onto other people. I feel like... I'm intruding on something much too personal. Like it's not my place at all. However, while I'm not the most religious person, and I haven't been to church in a long, long time, I am still a Christian, and I find that it's the little things that keep my faith strong. Like, whenever I pray, things actually get better. Now, I don't pray very seriously very often, I often forget or just push the idea aside, but sometimes I do, and it matters. Assuming, of course, I'm not praying for frivilous things.

But last night, in a particularily depressed mood (I tend to be the most depressed when I'm trying to go to sleep) I attempted to rid my head of the many dreary thoughts that were plauging me. Normally I think up a story, an idea, a little tale to play off of and just live out, but last night I prayed. I only really bring it up because I think it meant something. I just prayed for me to do my best, and for my team to do their best. I prayed that no matter what, let them do good, or at least as good as they should do (I like to add that, because I like things to do only what they should. If that makes sense. It's just some of my beliefs... kinda). I asked only that I do what I can, and if I couldn't do it to let someone else do it for me. And that kinda happened today. I asked for help feeling secure and confident for my interview, and having a level head for school and oraganizing the sale. And it all happened. Granted, it could just be because I had a good night's sleep. Or put my mind to it. Or focused. I just have to have faith, though. In the end it's all about faith.

I don't know. Just thought I'd mention that for the same reason I say most things. I just want to get it out, put it somewhere that I could look back on and remember someday. I started writing journals because I was affraid I'd forget how I felt. I was affraid that something that meant the world to me would fade into nothing over the course of time. But now it's written down, and I could look back on a good day where things went right, and I can litterally thank god for helping out. As always, I'm not trying to preach, (I'm insecure enough that I feel the need to reinforce that point) I'm just trying to explain.

*sighs* I'm gonna get home late if I don't leave. Maybe if I don't imediately go to bed I'll write more. Don't count on it, though.

Aul.

P.S. I think I'm a coward because I won't say everything I want to. There are people that I need to be the most honest with, and I'm affraid to do that. Which is odd at times. I've actually become a very honest person.

And then I want to yell at people. But you can't yell at people over the internet. It's probably one of the biggest disadvantages.











EDIT:

I write like I talk. Like, if you were to talk to me it would sound just like what I'm saying right now. Same word choice and grammer, for the most part, same style and skill. Well, my writing tends to be a little more organized on the whole, but that's only because I'm forced to think about it before putting it down on paper. Or, in this case, pixels.

Now, all that is relevent because sometimes I think how I write. I go over what it is I want to add to my journal, what it is I wish to say or rant about. Like on the drive home my mind started the speach that I plan to launch myself into several times, each being a decent begining, but now are used up. I couldn't just type them up verbadem, and the idea of starting at all isn't the most pleasent. It seems I've used up my pashion for the subject, as I often do. There are times when I know precisely what it is I want to add to my journal, and my mind explores the topics thouroughly. Then I don't write for days, or sometimes weeks, and the topics fly off, never to be seen again. Then there are times when I categorize ideas, not really venturing into them, but making a list of what it is that is important in my life at the time. More often than not those are remembered. However, sometimes these rants don't fade off, if only because they're so important that I dare not let them. Or, because my mind has continued to dive back into the subject again, and again, regaurdless of whether or not I'm trully interested in thinking about it. Often it's a subject that I really don't want to think about, or that I don't want to deal with, or that hurts to ponder. Sometimes it's a subject that there simply doesn't seem a point to be doing anything with it, as if I'm simply forced to wait for something to change before I can do anything at all. Then, of course, sometimes the change never happens, and even though I would like to be patient, there doesn't seem to be much use for the trait.

there is actually a lot of things of varrying importance that I'd love to get into, but most of them I'm forced to put aside. Many involve friends that have intrusted secrets to me, and unfortuantely I am a good friend, and I'm not going to spill the beans. However, some are more personal and I just dont' feel comfortable talking about them. Then something happens, in this case just a sudden snap which I can't really decide on the reason for, and I make the decision to just say "Screw it. What the hell."

And so begins the story of my life with Justin.

As at least two of my readers know, Justin is a very good friend of mine. Or at least was. I'm not quite sure what he is now, but we'll get there. I met him through a seemingly random IM last year, when he was looking for someone to talk to. And so we talked. Quite a bit, actually, I enjoyed his company. Over the next few days we talked a lot, I'm not sure exactly what about, but he was one of those people who I just instantly felt comfortable with. As I've said before, there are some people who I just click it with and ta da!, we're friends. He was one of those. I could give you a list of traits that I saw in him, but it's not particularily important. What is important, though, is that about a week after I met him, after a lost bet through a game of chess, I gave him my phone number, and we started to get closer.

Keep in mind that I didn't want an internet relationship. I had pointed this out at one point. I wasn't looking for one, as a pre-teen I'd explored that and really, it wasn't worth it. (granted, as a pre-teen I had no idea what I was doing, and it wouldn't really be counted as a relationship to me, anymore.) Justin was (possibly is) different, though. He was always just a good person who I enjoyed spending time with, and over the corse of awhile we got close. I fell in love, and things were good for a time.

Love is a tricky thing, I've learned since them. It gets you into a lot of trouble and mucks up your mind. I have a much easier time dealing with people I don't love. Or at least people I don't love in a romantic way. Let's say I'm talking to Maude, I just about always know what to say. It's easy to determine, and I can afford to be honest. It's okay. If she's having troubles with her jack-a** boyfriend like person, then I'll tell her that she should probably just ditch the guy. Can't quite say that to a person you're having romantic problems with. Particularily if you don't want to ditch the guy. Not that I wanted to ditch the guy, this is just a lose example. Very lose, more to get a point across than to be an actual metaphor.

But anyway, Justin and I grew close. We used the dreaded "L" word and spent probably too much time on the phone with each other. My parents were always saying I was talking too much on the phone. My sister complained that I never let her use it. And the biggest thing I worried about was what if my mom bothered to find out that Justin was from California, not my area, and that I met him on the internet. I suppose you know by now that my parents wouldn't approve, and that I didn't let them in on the secret. I let my friends in, though, and was given various responses to it. Some trusted me to make smart decisions, wasn't I always considered the responsible one in our group? Some worried for me. Mostly I wanted to smack them. They know who they are.

But to skip the prolouge, here comes Jr. Prom, and Justin and I decided that he should go with me. It would be fun. To skip the not-as-important details, parents found out, I got in trouble, Justin got yelled at from mom, I was supposidly cut off from Justin.

Now, as any worldly *cough* teen-ager knows, parents will have a very hard time keeping us from talking to those we really want to talk to. And it was really not that difficult to continue talking to Justin. However, there were other problems, little problems, big problems. To put it simply: this difficulty inspired me to second guess the relationship and try to figure out what I really wanted for myself. Scott, who incidently plays several rolls in this story, had put into my mind that perhaps I wanted to play the "dating game" (long story on that one, but he mentioned it to me at one point, and I'm not going to bother to explain how my mind came to it) where you basically date several people throughout your young years, having relationships that while you know they won't last, you treat them as if they will, before eventually spliting up and moving onto the next person. Basic high school dating. I realized that I actually would like to do that. Justin would mean commiting myself, being in a serious relationship where I wouldn't be able to rely on us just drifting apart. I suppose you could say I was affraid of commitment. And other things.

But in the end, due to that decision, and the other little problems that are a bit more private and would take much too long to explain, I basically pushed him away. It was almost, and I think almost is the correct word, completely my fault that we split up. Though we were never really boyfriend/girlfriend. Justin commented that it isn't fair that I refer to him as my ex-boyfriend when we were never offically together.

One of the rifts that grew between us had to do with me talking to Scott again, though I'd like to point out that it was because my friend Chelsea gave Scott my new number (mum changed it so that Justin couldn't call) and he called me. I was kind of pushed into the senerio. That and I actually like to give my friends other chances. Scott managed to ******** it up again though (surprize surprize) but perhaps we'll get back to that later. The point is that Scott told his mum that Justin would be visiting, his mom called my mom. I have no idea if that is how my mom found out. I don't want to say that it's not possible that it was the reason, I just also know of the mistake I made in the whole incident that could have very easily gave me away.

I'm going back in my story, forgive me, but I'd like to point something else out. When I was caught I did everything my parents asked me to do, with the exception of not contacting Justin again. I gave them the passwords to my e-mail acounts, acurately answered their questions, went along with what they wanted. There were several reasons for that. One of which is that I knew, and if you thought about it you would too, that if I didn't do what they wanted I would have no chance at doing anything at all. I would be under house arest with no rights, no chances, no freedom, and no trust. I had still broken their trust, but they were amased at how easily I handled being caught. I'm a very practicle person, and this showed it. My mom told me that she would have been kicking and screaming. I asked her why. What would be the point? How would yelling at my parents get me my licence sooner. How would refusing their requests get my their trust back? How would causeing havok help me to move on with my life and do what I knew I had to do? It wouldn't make sense. I wasn't being a good kid, I was looking out for my welfare.

But yes, Justin and my break up really stung. I didn't know if I had done the right thing, I knew I had left things badly, and I knew that I wasn't completely understood by him. I'm still not. It frustrates me. We weren't on good terms and there was so much unresolved. Part of this is because, while I'm a very indepent person, I actually like doing what I'm told. I like rules and guidlines, and keeping people happy. So I comply with things, promise that I won't do something, or that I'll translate whenever I speak in Japanese, really little things, but I don't think about the future consequences, because I'm only saying it to make people happy or content, to avoid conflict. However, that gets me stuck in a hole later on when I see that it's imposible for me to follow through with what I said. Or at least, if I did, it wouldn't be right. It would be like a lie in itself. (god I hope I'm making sense. Ever notice how often I wonder if I'm making sense?) But things were bad. And I felt like s**t. Like a lot of s**t. And I wanted to yell and cry and hit something all together. I wanted to see Justin face to face and try to knock some sense into him, or at least what I thought was sense at the time. I think it was like two months before I talked to him again.

I had had a sudden realization that day, as I sometimes do. I had thought that I was over the break up, and I simply wanted to explain why I had done what I had done. Because I really had been a b***h. So that night I IMed him, and to put it simply, it didn't go well. I blame it on both of us, but mostly on me. It's probably important to point out that I'm not the easiest person to deal with when I'm extremely emotional. I've gotten better, but not very much so. I'm a girl, and a gemini, and damn do I have mood swings. Period has nothing to do with that one, fokes, my moods just like to screw me over, that's all. Here's a hint though, with dealing with me. Tire me out, then I won't feel like arguing, just like being blunt and getting it over with. Easiest way to have a conversation, assuming I'm not too tired that I just won't talk. But anyway, we didn't talk for many months after that. In this time I also did not talk to Scott. He had pissed me off over the smallest things. And I couldn't deal with it, didn't want to, didn't have to.

I spent a lot of this time mopping over Justin. In little ways. Big ways. Different ways. So much time was spent wondering "what if I had done this..." or "Why did I do that?" or "where would I be now?" I don't think I've ever cried over someone so much. And I spent the whole time arguing with myself over whether I wanted to get over him, or get him back. Funny thing is, I knew that I should get over him. However, I didn't know how. I wasn't at peace with my past and I had nothing to distract me. These days I realize the usefulness of a transition boyfriend. Not that I condone dating a guy just to use him to get over someone else, but I see how it has its advantages. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at the dating game. I'm not quite sure why. Have many theories, but no answers. To conclude the paragraph though, I didn't know if I had made a mistake.

Now, after a rather long time, I started keeping a diary on Gaia. Why? Because I wanted to. I like diaries and it's nice to have oen that I can use to convey thoughts to friends who I know will read it. At this point I didn't talk to Justin, for several reasons. God knows I spent hours wondering what I would say. However, the last time I'd talked to him I'd blotched it up, and I didn't know if he'd want to talk to me, if he cared about me, or what he thought of me. Still don't, actually, it's quite unsettling. I'd said some mean things, and some honest things, and I didn't know if it would be right for me to e-mail him. So I didn't. I wanted to, but I didn't. However one day I got an e-mail from a friend. Or a PM, forget which. Anyway, I think it was David. David sent me one of those quizes, similar to the last post, and I love filling those out. So I filled this one out, and put it on my journal for kicks. One question made me pause for a long time, though. "Who do you miss the most?" As you probably know if you've kept up on my journal, I haven't been the most comfortable with mentioning Justin strait on. Many obscure or simply unnamed referances, enough that anyone who previously knew the history also knew that he was back in my life. And here I didn't know if I should put his name. It was Justin. I desperately missed Justin. I still do, in some ways. I could talk to him, feel comfortable with him, listen to him (I loved to listen to him). He was a person who made me feel good about me, and many other things. He is a person that I love, to put it simply. But I had to think it over, and finally I decided that yes, I'd be honest, and put his name down. If for no other reason than to let him know I missed him. You see, I figured that I couldn't contact him directly, but I could let everyone know that I wanted to. And, knowing Justin, if he wanted to talk to me there was a good chance that he just might read my journal, and he just might take the hint.

I think it was three weeks later that he PMed me. About a week after I'd given up hope on him. I had kind of made peace with myself over the fact that he didn't care enough to keep up on me. I wasn't over it, but I'd started down the road. This through me for a loup, though. God, I didn't know what to say. I didn't have any idea as to what to say. I wanted to run in circles, cry for joy, tell someone, do something, talk to him. I didn't know what I wanted. But I was happy. Eventually I wrote him back, and then we caught up in IMs.

This is where the story gets to it's point. My relationship with Justin now. You see, the problems I face all started with our first few conversations. I don't remember everything said, you may know by now that I don't have the best of memories. However, I tend to figure that I remember the important things. Or at least what is important to me. I remember that three out of our first five conversations he left to talk to someone on the phone. I remember that he never told me who that was, or why he had to leave me. I remember thinking that I was pathetic for wanting to talk to him above anyone else, and then having him so easily leave me to talk to someone else. I remember arguing with him over things, and feeling stupid for so many things. I remember wanting so badly to tell him my worries and suspitions and fears. I remember wanting him to tell me everything about his life, but him not really saying anything. You see, Justin's a master of saying just enough that you can't acuse him of telling you nothing, but at the same time not really telling you anything. I just remember feeling like he didn't really care if I was in his life. Which I didn't think was true, now I don't think it was true at the time, but I wonder about whether it is now.

But let's just leave all that at there were problems. We'd talked about us, and I had pointed out that I didn't know what I wanted. Because I didn't. I do now, but it doesn't matter. I remember finally realizing that I might want to give it a chance with Justin. I mean, I didn't really want to, I knew it would be better for me if I didn't, but love is annoying. I was going to try. It was worth it to try. I had begun to figure out ways to talk other than the internet, was even considering driving down to California as my summer trip with Maude. (Maude and I were always planning to do a road trip.) I was going to do something to show that I could make sacrifices, too. I didn't tell him any of that, though. I was waiting for the right moment. A moment where he wasn't being cold to me, or we weren't arguing (the arguing wasn't as common as him not seeming to care) or we weren't wrapped up in some other type of talk. I was going to wait for a serious discusion about us, and for him to express interest in something. Actually, I was just waiting for a chance to seriously talk, but he wasn't on nearly as much as I was after a while, so it didn't matter.

Now, here's where things started to get bad for me. I went a week without hearing anything from Justin. Nothing. He didn't e-mail me and he was never on. You might say "so what? It was just a week?" but since I had talked with Justin, when ever we were on good terms, I'd never gone so long without talking to him, or at least hearing from him. He'd never just disapeared. Never. I didn't know why, I was worried. I didn't know if he was mad, or somehow not okay, or what. I didn't know anything. I found out later that he was busy playing a video game of some sort. I know the name I just can't remember it. It's not that important. The point is that it hurt like hell to know that not only will he ditch me to talk to other people, but he would rather play a game then even right me a god-damn five minute e-mail just to say hi. Because it would have meant the world for him just to say hello to me.

Since then I'd been on a once a week talking spree with him. Different things kept him away, I don't remember them all. I think it went on for another three weeks, I actually have it written down in some other journal of mine. Prolly more than one other journal, but it's not important. What's important was that I wasn't important. Not really, not when you don't really bother to talk to me or show signs that you really care. Not when you don't tell me more than the basics about your life. Not when you don't include me in your life. Or explain why you don't include me. I didn't know what was going on, and it scared me. Still does.

Not going into details, but the day before Valantine's day I talked to Justin for a little bit, then he had to go to take a phone call. Let me just say it was particularily bad timing. I had actually planned not to talk to him on Valantine's day, not that i though that he'd even be on, but I didn't want to know if he was even going to be on. But at the moment he told me he was leaving I was crushed, so completely crushed. I didn't know how to feel. Justin saved himself that night though. He gave me the closest thing to an explenation about why he had to take the call, something about timezones (questions actually came from that which I never did have the chance to ask him about). And I asked him to be on tomorrow (aka V-day) not realizing what day it was. But the next day he didn't show up. Or the day after that, or the day after that. As a matter of fact it wasn't for a whole month. I don't remember exactly how long.

terns out his life got shity really fast. And he has had excused for not talking to me. But I still went a whole month without any contact. And since then very little. I wrote him an e-mail almost three weeks ago. There's been no response. Granted, my e-mail said basically that I wanted him, when he had time, to tell me what was going on in his life. I didn't say it like that, though. No, I made it long and windy, and not what it should have been. What I should have said is:

Justin, I miss you and I want to know that you're not intentionally ignoring me. I realize that you're busy and you have a life, but at least tell me something about it. Of course wait till you have time, but you should probably know that as of right now I don't know if you give a damn about me, and I don't know what to do about it.

That probably would have been good. Because he did have a good excuse that last time. It was good enough for me to forgive him for being a complete a** to me. Not that I felt bad for thinking him a complete a**, because I had every right to. He'd hardly been talking to me before his life went to hell, and his first not talking to me period was because of a video game. That doesn't establish credibility. Now I wait for his response to my e-mail. I just don't feel like waiting. I don't feel like wondering what the hell is going on in his head. Or how I'm not a part of it. You see, I know that in his position I would have found a way to talk to him. I would have, because it just would have been important. I wouldn't have spent a week without talking to him. If I was as busy as he claimed to be I would have interupted that schedual for a five minute e-mail. It's not too much to ask, nor too imposible. I wouldn't have sent him through the emotional turmoil that I've been going through.

So... yeah. Now for the reflection bits.

Talking to Justin, dispite all the turmoil, has been worth it. If only for the fact that I've had the chance to appologise when I've needed to, and just take another step forward in my life. Believe it or not, it has helped me to move on. And I think I'm ready to. Unfortunately I'm still bad at the dating game, and I don't think I will be back in the romance thing for quite awhile. However, once I am, Justin has very little chance of being a part of it.

The idea to write all of this was because I didn't want to write it to Justin. I don't really want to tell Scott or David, either, but they're the two people who I know read this journal, so I guess they get the story. I actually wrote it all out as a gamble. You see, I want to tell Justin that he's been a real jerk (that's the polite term) as of late. He very likely has good reason, but it doesn't change the fact. However, I really don't want to hurt him and I'm terrified to tell him. But, if he's as busy as he claims to be, he's probably not one of the mysterious people reading this journal, so he doesn't have to know. In that case he'll get to me when he has time and I'll deal with him then. However, if he does read this then now he knows, doesn't he. And might I add that in the time you've read this you could have written me a little e-mail to say that you remember that I'm alive and still thinking of you. That would have been nice.

I don't know if he'll read this though. I think I'll probably be disapointed if he doesn't. But then, perhaps he'll never know.

As for Scott, so that I don't leave it out, and also to explain to Justin because I know he doesn't want me talking to Scott, there are reasons he's back in my life. I should probably just set it strait right now before Scott thinks up another wrong idea about it. I've been going through various states of depression, that have been more or less unimportant, and during one I wrote a particularily bad poem. However, I asked for names for this poem, and he posted something that made me laugh. Actually, it cheared up my whole day. Now, he later told me the reason for the suggested name, and I don't really care about the reason, because it didn't matter to me. I was more interested in the name as an inside joke and a reminder of a good time we shared. But after that... I didn't see any reason why not to talk to Scott. Yes, he is slow, and it takes awhile to learn from his mistakes. But it had been at least four months since I last talked to him, and I figured he might have learned a little since then. Or if not I could ditch him again (when I'm mad at him/don't want to deal with him I just keep him out of my life. It's very cruel, and very rude, and I don't do it with anyone else. I'm not going to attempt to explain this one today). I know that Scott wants to be a good friend though. While I'm no longer interested in sharing my problems with him, he will be there when I need him. And while I don't really trust him anymore, he's willing to just hang out and have a good time. He was there when I needed someone to be there, and he just made me happy by being there. He was just a friend for me when I needed it and no one else was there. That means something to me. That means a lot to me. I'm so sick of being lonely or doubting myself that it's not worth it anymore, and I know Scott will be okay with that. Granted, he'll prolly still do something stupid in the future, but I'll probably be about to move out a that point, and living further away will help to avoid him, won't it?



Twunder how much I wrote... I know it's past bed time now. Just thought that I should get it all out and down on paper. Or at least online. Hope it means something in the end. I'm not sure if it will.