do you really think it would matter in the grand scheme of things? to live. to die. all they are is just terms that we use to simplify something that in the end, we dont understand or even come close to understanding.
how can one have high esteem? how can we be seen as something that even matters? after all, a human life is a simple mixture of common elemental compounds. brain waves controlled by deep rooted instincts of fear, love, lose, hope. its just all a dilusion of free will. we are no more important to the grandious scheme of things than a small ant being burned by a kid with a magnifin glass.
life is cruel. all we do is work and die. in the long run, nothing will be left to distinguish that we existed. all we do is bide our time and wait for the inevitable like the pathetic creature we are. deep down, eventually every creature comes to know the futility of life.
i feel that my existence is sinful. my very being is scum. life forced me to get on the ride and so i want to learn everything i can before i escape back into my corner of nothingness. i want to learn of what this thing called happiness is. what does it mean to feel whole, together, complete, wanted, and loved all the way into the core of your soul?
if i can strive to make others smile and laugh, is what they experience true happiness? if so, then how come when i smile or when i laugh, i feel empty and void of truth?
maybe i can experience life better by understanding all there can ever be understood by humans. maybe if i try and explain these things to myself, maybe it wouldnt seem so futile.
maybe if life seemed less futile, i would have the feelings i long for.
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