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I'm not sure how comfortable I am about posting this huge post. But I shall post it anyway. I wrote my thoughts down elseplace, and here is an exerpt from it. nothing written bfore it is of any relevence.


I find it kind of ironic how when many people are getting boyfriends and such, I'm lucky in a different sense. I've met a ton of new people. and then as I try to be passive to things that bother me about your good luck, I get directly confronted about something that wasn't true (I don't hold it against you. It's been cleared up. I'm just doing a reaction on the whole thing overall). I guess I ifnd it kind of... ironic, in a way. I mean, for the past 2 years nothing has really happened to change me much. My views had changed in the past two years and, though I mean not to sound like I'm bragging, I believe I mentally and emotionally matured during 7th and 8th grade to a certain extent. However, nothing really big happened. And finally, during high school my whole morale towards everything changes and someone ends up feeling hurt. It's time like those I feel like Elphaba, in some twisted way. Like everything that happens to me (as opposed to everything I do) is wrong for everyone else. But as was so wisely stated directly at me, once:

"This time I'm going to be selfish. I'm going to keep my happiness for myself!"

Sometimes I feel as though one day I should turn to whoever seems to be trying to be me in that situation and say it to them. I mean, I get a chance. How could I be expected to turn it down? But I would never be so shallow as to leave my friends behind for such a chance. Even though it may seem as though I have, it almost hurts that you oculd think that of me... If I were mad about it, I oculd think "Is that all they think of me? Is that what they thikn I think of them as?" However, I do not think like that. But maybe, just maybe some where deep in the back of my mind.... I could be, without knowing it. I'm not a totally secure person in my head by any means. Thoughts creep up at me without warning. I'm sure they do for everyone. I was told once in a bouht of depression that "Thoughts are only thoughts. They are not real, so don't be afraid of them." I've learned from this. It's true. But sometimes our fear of those thoughts will prevent them fom happening. Is that not a good thing, though? It oculd be turned to be bad as well, but if our thoughts were dangerous, and we feared them, that could prevent us from making them real.

But I digress. All of that is done with, at least for now. However, I'm afraid it still may be on more than one mind: you're drifting. Please don't think of it like that. I'm growing. Perhaps more rapidly than you have noticed in others, though. Or perhaps you don't like the changes?

Or...

Perhaps you wish me not to grow?

In my eternal search for a theme song, only one seems fitting to my point right now. Only one makes me think on my current situaiton. However, in my story, it is many characters, perhaps, compared to one.

Anyway, going back to a statement before:

Maybe I should be greedy for once and keep my happiness. Maybe I should be able to enjoy something in life without someone else taking it away or stopping me.

am I just growing too fast? Am I becoming more mature in a mental sense to a point where it angers you? I don't mean to flatter myself, but I am asking that seirously.

All I want is for you to understand how I feel. I learned a lot and experienced a lot in Jr. High. And yet... None of it happened in or through school.

Now look at it. Perhaps I was drifting then. It cannot be ocmpared, drifting and broadening. I do believe you owuld have to compare... Drifting and growing.

Which do you think it is? Am I drifting, or am I growing?