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* Is this guy a retard?

* How did you get their flag?
I don't know, I just asked for it.
Wait, that worked?
I guess. Is it not supposed to?

* Sixteen days!? That's almost two weeks!

* Sidewinder, isn't that the ice planet?
Yes.
Cool, what was that like?
Um... it was cold.
That's it? Just cold?
What do you want from me, a poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really, ********', cold.

* What is that thing?
What thing?
There's something on your head...
What, is it a spider? Get it off!
No, it's not a spider, it's, like a... blue thing.
What, like a blue spider? Get it off!
It's not a spider, calm down. It's some kinda, fuzzy pulsating thing.
That doesn't sound much better than a spider.
Does it hurt?
No...
Maybe we should try to take it off.
Good idea. Go for it.
Me? By "we" I meant "you." a*****e.
Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous.
BOOM

* I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me.
Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
I like me...

* A.I... What's the A stand for?
Artificial.
...What's the I-
Intelligence.
Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?

* So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?
I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.
Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.

* Does it hurt for real?
Oho, yeah. Big time.
Owwchie! ... You lied to me.

* I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said 'hi' later. No you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?
Oh my God. I can't believe I actually died for this war.

* Sarge, I'm starting to think that-
SMACK
Ow, geez, the back of my head!

* BANG
What the? Where did my body go? Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!
Tucker did it!

* Not fair? Yeah, join the fricking club. I got shot by my own tank.
Target locked.
Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you.

* Grif, why in Hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head!? That doesn't make a lick of sense.
You're welcome, sir.
I mean it's all so damn inconsistent. What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe, rub my neck with aloe vera?

* Look at it, it's not pink. It's like uh... a lightish red.
Guess what: they already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.
I hate you guys.

* Me llamo es Lopez.
Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!

* Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.
Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.
Seriously dude. For the last time. Not pink.

* Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?
Sí señor. Gracias.
No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!
Alto means tall, you dumbass.

* Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.
No you can't, I'm already dead, b***h! I guess the joke's on you!
Stop it! Stop fighting. Can't you see that you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?
What about you?
We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!

* I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that.
...okay.
Wait, you know how to fix Sheila? ...I love you.

* Man. First he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?
What're you asking me for?
Well you know, because you're of uh, a Latino persuasion.
Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass. I'm Dutch Irish.
But I thought-
What.
Eh, never mind.
...I'm from Iowa.
Nobody cares!

* I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up here to higher ground, I'll keep an eye on the red base. If I see anything, I'll let you know.
Great, I'll come with you!
That kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose.
Okay. What if I'm really... really... quiet?
Do you even understand what the term 'visibility' means?
Ah hah hah, uhh.... good one Church.
Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you.
Uh no.

* Hey... Tex! Uh... Did you hear Church's secret plan to tell the reds that you were fixing the tank? ... I don't think she knows. ...Unless she can read minds... She can't read minds, can she? ...Can you hear what I'm thinking?

* Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language.
What country? We're on an alien planet.
What're you, a Communist?

* Simmons. I'm coming around in the Warthog. Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by.
Roger that.
I'll uh... I'll stay here.
Yeah. Stay here, and guard this cement ramp. It's vital to our success.
Alright, I'm on board.
Alright, here's the plan-
BOOM
JUNEBUG!
Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?
Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?
If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.
Uh, hey Simmons? By the way. The ramp is secure.

* The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armor?
Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really dude. It's a whole lot faster just to say pink.

* Bungle...
That's an 'I' you idiot.
Oh. Right. Bingle.
BUNGIE!

* Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then, you're afraid of a little black stuff.
Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

* You know, I look at it this way: either A, we go through there, and get the flag back, or B, we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.

* He got in somehow, just g... for God's sakes, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?
Woohoo!

* No, no, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

* Okay, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let -
What's the warning?
Shut up for one second, and I'll tell you.
Oh, sorry.
I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man. ... Okay. Here's the deal.
Is this the warning?
Alright, that's it, I swear to God, Caboose, your a** is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.

* Blue team, flag returned.
What the... who said that?
Sorry, that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.

* Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead. ... Or captured and dead!

* Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you.
They can't see me. I can't see them!
That's because you're facing the rock.
Oh. Right.

* Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?
Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor.
Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know uh, you didn't do anything!
I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.
Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.

* No, I am not Private Tucker. My name is Church. This is Private Tucker.
Yo!
And our friend over there in regulation blue? That's Caboose. Or, O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself.
Why did you introduce me second?
Because he hates you.

* I received your call for a Medic.
Medic... That was like three months ago.
Yeah what'd you do, crawl all the way here?

* See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank.
Or by the idiot driving it.

* No, I'm just gonna check your vitals.
I bet I have better vitals than you... What's a vital?

* Okay Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.
I didn't even know what half of that meant.

* Oh oh Sarge - tell them we want the flag.
Yeah, and some cake.
Oh... Wait wait Sarge, just the cake.

* No I mean his toe, how's the toe I shot?
What that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago.
Rest in peace, pinkie toe...
You shall be avenged!

* Oh yeah, people often overlook to alternative methods of care. Like that blue guy that was shot in the foot during the battle? All I did was rub his neck with some aloe vera, he was fine.

* Hey thanks, kissass. If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you.
Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned. Burned, dude, burned.
Oh shut up, your armor's pink.

* Sorry man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular, and if I'm gonna make any progress around here at all I can't really be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.
...
It's only because no one likes you.
...
Stop staring at me.

* Are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?
Well, we have to get him away from Grif, because ...yeeah, you know, it's kinda cruel and unusual to have to talk to him.

* There, you hear that?
Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise, followed by a series of random clicks?
No it's just like this constant 'beep beep beep' noise.
Oh... then no, I don't hear anything.
Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?
No, I was just tryin' to be helpful.
Yeah, well, you're failing.
All I hear is that voice, you know telling us to kill all our friends before they have a chance to kill us.
....
Wait, you guys don't hear that?

* Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face.

* This is great, this is just great. Thanks a lot Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do: my lower half is damaged.
Why don't you try walking it off?
I can't use my legs, moron.
Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?

* Why don't you just try, walking on your hands? Then you could your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... you know, the important stuff.

* Dammit Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!
Hey blues, we're here to- what the hell are you guys doing?

* Caboose, that is ridiculous.
Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, it's the most ridiculously perfect idea, that you never thought of.

* So, just you and me, hanging at the base today, huh Sarge? This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. ... So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? You think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pretty low on elbow grease. ...When you die, can I have your armor?
Hey, we're back!
Oh man, am I glad to see you guys. Sarge would not stop talkin'. Seriously.

* Okay great idea, but the only two people who can do that are Señor El Roboto, and Tex.
Hmm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with.
Yeah. Dead people usually are.

* Well... why don't you just leave his body, and then Tucker and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!
Girlfriend, what?
You retard?
I mean uh, Tucker and I will make him fix you, and uh the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me. Uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done.
I'm confused, that actually seems like a good idea.
I know.
...But Caboose said it.
I know.
SMACK
Ack, what the hell was that for?
I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming, so I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't.

* What the hell? Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? And why'm I coughing? I don't have lungs.

* Your soul is a cavern of lies!

* Uh Tucker? I think that maybe we should begin the going of the running now? The fast running.

* That's right, we're just casually strolling away. No cause for concern...
Running time!
Nice and casual! Moron!

* Dancing time! Doo, doo doo doo...
The heart of this warrior cries out in sorrow.
Why does this one mock me with his foolish dancing?
Are those moves supposed to make him look like a robot?
They do not. I am offended by this.
Hah Kay ha hoh goooooooo... Dancing time!

* Yes, but you made one crucial mistake. You left me my spoon.
No!

* Wrong. That wasn't Simmons, it was old man Caboose.
That's right. It's me, Caboose!
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids.

* Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
My God! This is madness!!!
Huh? Oh, thank God. It was all a dream. All a dream. All a dreamiemiemiemiemiemiemie...
Yes, it was a horrible dream...
OR WAS IT?!?
La Fin?
OMG. WTF, dude.
Seriously.

* Is it just me, or does this jeep seem like really bad luck?
Yeah. You know, now that you mention it, it does seem like every time we get in to the damn thing, it breaks, or explodes, or goes crazy and tries to kill one of us.

* So if I'm the one being tricked, then you would not tell me what is really going on?
Why would we trick you?
Oh I think you know.

* Impossible! Our intelligence clearly states...
We have intelligence?
...that the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training, are that dead freelancer and Lopez, oh wait a minute.

* Or maybe, that blue guy who got killed by the tank, came back as a ghost, and now he's posessing Lopez's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner; the blue ghost probably posessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably just a weird set of coincidences, while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body.
. . .
I think I like the ray beam idea better.
Yeah rookie, your idea sounds a little dumb.

* Hey Tucker, is that you?
No, what are you, stupid? Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.

* I hope you're right, because if I see that tank headed towards me, I'm totally gonna freak out.
Man, I sure hope they don't totally freak out when they see us coming.

* Well are you sure you left the part in there?
Hmm think so. Wait... Yes. No. Wait- wait wait- wait... mmmmmmmmngh... I think so.

* Not now rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steam roll right over us!
What!? (jumps twice to see over the jeep, sees the tank) Oh God it's true! I'm totally freakin' out! I'm freaking out!

* Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila how the ******** do I slow you down?
Retard the throttle.
What throttle, this throttle?
Retard the controller.
You mean this thing? What are you talking about, I'm so confused!
The controller, retard.
Hey, that's kind of insulting.
Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard.
Oh come on, now you're just being mean.
Retard. Retard. ... ... ... Retard.

* Good golly Miss Molly, what is going on out there?
Sir. The blues are attacking with their tank. Th they blew up the Warthog. Again.
I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys.

* Arrrr... I be havin' a southern accent.

* Arrr, I got termites in me leg.

* What in buttery goodness? Who is this!?

* Ah ah ow, aahhhhh. Who left the spleen-ball where someone could trip on it? I think I broke something!

* He, is a bad influence, and he, is taking advantage of her, because she, is young and naive. ...and delicate.
Delicate? She weighs like two hundred tons, dude.
She is a precious flower.

* Sheeiiiilaaaaaa! Come baaack to meeee! I made you a muffin!

* Grif, Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif. Let's pretend, we're wearing super-spy jetpacks!
Huhhhhhhg...
No, no no no, like this- Phschewschhhhhhhhhhhwewwwww...

* Adgibagajabagagagagagagagagagaa!

* We would like to talk to you about-
Sneak attack!
Shut up you idiot, we're not here to fight. We're here to negotiate.
Ahay, sneak negotiation!

* We, uh I mean they, would like to negotiate a surrender, to us. No to them, no wait nono that's right, to them, to us.
Oh, smooth dude.
In exchange for not killing us, they, them- we, they would like to, release the robot guy, and me..............the pink guy.
Are you becoming retarded?

* Nooone taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.
Noh I kin, I just can't take this, we're all gonna die!! Wohouw!!
The humanity!

* Huwhuuugaygaayeeeeeee! What the...? Where am I?
We were just talking to your friends. But you're going to stay with us now for a while.
Are we gonna have a sleepover? Because that would be sweet.
...You're a nice lady.

* Yeah, I didn't think so sir. You're great at this, even without any formal training, or first party certification.
...Son did you just shoot yourself in the foot?
Yeah, I do that now sometimes. 'n' I'm not really sure why.
I'm sure it's user error.

* But that's okay. I can even use it to my advantage. I made some special modifications on numero dos. Check it out. Robot, number two! Codewoooord: Dirtbag.
SMACK
Ow! Hey!
Heh, heh heh. Pretty nifty, huh?
That's awesome, sir. Let me try, let me try. Codeword dirtbag.
SMACK
Ow! Okay fine, two can play at this game. Codeword dirtbag.
SMACK
Ah son of a b***h.

* I call it nap time. Which is right before food time... And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all.

* ...Private Donut? That sounds like Private Biscuit.

* That's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.

* Alright. Get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
Uh Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
What?
I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle. It's just a side-note.
Okay fine, triangle of confusion. Rhombus of terror, parabola of mystery, WHO CARES!? Get the God damn show on the road!

* Quiet Commander Pop'n'Fresh. I think they're talking about your golden flakey crust.

* Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Bun! I will always remember your buttery goodness! ...Who was that guy?

* Hey Simmons? Why is there paper coming out of your a**?

* That guy's wicked fast!
Thanks, I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!
Track sucks!
You suck!

* So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.
No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.
No, ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
I think it would be ironic, if everyone was made of iron.
...
Okay. We all agree, that while the current situation, is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together, is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that...

* We will leave Corporal Croissandwich!

* Freeze, drop your weapon!
Uh oh.
I said freeze, dirtbag!
SMACK
Ow! Aw come on!

* Shut up! Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

* I spent my allowance on Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards, and meat flavored bubble gum.

* Hello everyone! I am Private Church from the popular webseries Red Vs. Blue.
Caboose, that's my line.
You can't prove that.

* Check out this awesome sparkler. It is even more fun, because we are playing with it inside.
Hey! That's not a sparkler, that's a grenade!
Don't worry. We are completely safe. All of the doors are locked from the outside, so we cannot escape. Oh, wait a minute...
BOOM

* I will take that fuzzy glowing hamburger please.
Hey. That's not a hamburger, that's a grenade!
I know! I switched them when you weren't looking!... Maybe I should not have done that.
BOOM

* Have you seen my grenade?
Yes. I put it in my pants. Wait-
BOOM

* Hey Donut! Want to see my awesome bottle rocket!?
Totally! Just remember: don't point it directly at me! Okay!?
Okay! And I promise I won't forget whatever it is that you just said.
BOOM
........I forgot!

* Oopsie.
Uh oh.
Running time.
Oh I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip. If you have small children around, or even very very stupid adults, never ever let them play with fireworks without proper supervision. Hey- what's that hissing noise?
BOOM
Caboose!
Simmons did it!
What're you talking about, I wasn't even in this video!

* Does anyone have the new Creed C.D.?
I have it.
Give it to me, right now.
Give it to you, why would I do that?
You're not giving it to me! Give it to me faster!
Wait, that's illegal.
No it isn't. I don't want it to be illegal, therefore it isn't. That's the way it works.
Creed sucks! I hate you, and I hate the band you like!

* You deserve to DIE! Die, and go to hell and burn!

* Hello, anyone! Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay.
Well, I don't think the others are coming. They must have gotten separated somehow.
My toes, are getting pruny.
O...kay.

* Sargeant. Look! A sleeping person!
Look - more sleeping people! It must be nap time. But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times.

* Shh quiet. You hear that?
Yes. That noise is called water. It is very wet, and very sloshy-
I was talking about the trumpet, bluetard.
I have to go to the bathroom now for some reason. Which is odd, because I already went when we were standing in the creek together.

* Sweet jibbly jiblets!
Running time!

* Get over here, give me a boost!
You are a good person, and people say nice things about you.
Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one.

* I need to see what's in that window.
That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.
I know, I need you to help me look through it.
I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, that window is square.

* I bash you in the head with my rifle and you die. Good teamwork you ******** n00b. Good game, good game everybody! GG man, GG. Bleauh!

* Oh blue team... Look what I have.
Oh blue team... Look what, wait, I messed up my line. Let's start over.

* O'Malley taught me how to be mean. I, just, have, to, concentrate, on, bad, things. Like, milk. No wait, red, Red, Bull.
Your brain is a mountain of hatred!
Now. I, am, thinking, about... kittens! Guh, kit-tens, covered, in, spikes. That makes, me, angry!
I will eat your unhappiness.
Your toast has been burned, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts.

* Man um... not really. I found you two guys by accident. And I don't want to start using teleporters at random.
We should definitely take the green one.
Okay, be quiet now.

* Man, I hate this. This sucks.
It's Church!
I just wanna lay around and do nothing.
I think it's Grif!
Right after I take this nice, warm, bubble-bath.
Donut.

* There's no "I" in team, Grif.
Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the God damn team. The team sucks!

* Oh man, maybe our crew's come to bust us out of the joint. I don't know if I can live on the outside though any more Church. I'm all institutionalized and s**t.
I don't know. Sounds like whoever's fighting them is winning. That can't possibly be our guys.

* Absolutely, Admiral Buttercrust.

* I don't want to be dead! I want to be alive, or, a cowboy.

* He has amnesia! Tucker. Don't worry. You are safe. We're the reds, we are your mortal enemies. Wait. That didn't sound right.

* We're in the future! Things are very shiny here.

* Enter Stage Left. Hello, I am stupid Private Tucker. I am going to set off a big bomb now, and totally mess things up for everyone. Because I am stupid. Turns around. Hello, present. I'm going to set off a bomb in you.
Don't do that, stupid Private Tucker. That might kill me.
Thinks about this, for a moment.
Caboose, stop reading your stage directions!

* If Church was facing forward during the explosion, and that blew us in to the future, that could mean that he was blown backward in to the... oh no!
Backwards in to what? A wall? A broom closet?
A big rock?
Another big rock!

* Look what I found.
I found it!
Look at what I took credit for finding.

* Ya-ya-yaaaoouwwwww!
Donut, are you okay?
I was just, petting, the bunny. And then it went in to the soup can... and part of my hand went with it.

* Donut, I told you not to touch anything. You touched everything! That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!

* Hello? Is anyone home? Don't be alarmed, we're only here to kill you and take all your possessions.

* He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days now, and he's got some help, one of those religious nuts you guys picked up.
Oh, I like them. They were funny.
Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a flag.
I try not to remember the bad things about people.
That's all they tried to do, there were no good things.
That's okay. I have a really bad memory-wow look, a beach!

* And then we attack O'Malley.
No. That's when we plant, this.
...We're planting a volleyball.
It's not a ball, it's a bomb.
We're planting a volleybomb?

* Can't I just pick this up when we are ready to go?
Yeah, I guess that makes sense.
THUNK
Ahhhh...
Okay, we're ready to go!
Crap.

* You know what, I miss the old days, when we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were all just a bunch of nameless assholes I would yell at with Church.
It's okay. We hate you too man.

* Uh... Sarge?
You could blow us all to smithereens!
Sarge, I'm pretty sure that guy up there with the gun, sees us.
You wanna blow people to smithereens, at least make sure Grif is nearby.
Duck!
BANG BANG BANG BANG
What the?
A duck? Where? I love ducks.
Get down, idiot.

* Okay Grif, we just need to jump through here.
Okay, go for it.
Me? Why me first?
Because, I don't wanna die?
But this thing's moving super slow. See?
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
Nice knowing you Simmons.

* X. I'm looking for an X. That, is a plus sign. Not an X. I need to find an X.

* Yeah I'm bored, I wanna stop doing whatever it is I'm pretending to be doing.

* I don't know, Tex shot it. Hey, Tex!
What?
When you shot Lopez's head, where did it go?
How do I know?
Are you sure you hit it?
...
I mean is it possible that you missed?
...
I mean just this one time, it doesn't say anything about your overall skill level.
...
Yeah, she says she doesn't know.

* See? It's Church. Ahand he's meaner than ever!
Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?
Church. I can hear you. Can you hear me.
Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?
Church. I can hear you. How are you?
Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?
I think it might be a recording.
Quiet, I wanna see how long this lasts.
Church. I can hear you. Do you miss me?

* I don't have a detonator, it's on a timer.
A countdown timer?
No, a countup timer. It goes from one, to explode. Of course a countdown timer you idiot!

* Just three minutes left on the bomb!
Whah! We're all gonna explode and die!
Simmons come over here, help me chew on this wall. We can eat our way out!

* Awesome. But it's like three-fifteen in the afternoon.
You're forgetting about the time change, Tucker.
Oh yeah, it's like three-eighteen. Why the hell is daylight savings time here only three minutes?

* Extra ammo management is disabled. The "Friendly Fire" protocol is enabled.
Friendly Fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?
Affirmative.
Alright. Disable, the "Friendly Fire" protocol.
"Friendly Fire" protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by Auto-lock.
Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.

This tutorial program, is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving.
Wait! Oh my God, no!
I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!
Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
New target acquired.
That's not a target. That's Church.
Target locked.
What?
What? Oh, son of a bi-
BOOM!
Oh NO! I'm the teamkilling ********]
You shot Church, you team-killing ********]

* Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap running, running, running.

* Um... Shouldn't we bury Church?
[******** that, has he ever buried us?

* Eek! I'm gonna faint!

* What happened? Oh man, the back of my head is killing me!
Yeah, that's great.
SMACK
Ow, geez, the front of my face!

* Hey, what're you guys doin' up here!?
BANG, misses
(reloading the sniper rifle) Oh my God, how did I miss?
That chick in the black armor's back!
What chick, the one that stuck the grenade to my head?
BANG, misses
GOD DAMMIT!
That's the one.
Ohhuw. Oh I been waiting for this. Hey b***h! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!
BANG BANG BANG BANG
(firing at the grenade four times and missing each time) ********, THIS, HORSE, s**t!!!!
Alright that's it, I quit. I'm going to live in a cave

* Wait, I know how to do this- Dearly beloved
No, shut him up, seriously. Shut him up.
We are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now! Or forever, rest in peace! With liberty, and justice, for all. The end.
Man this funeral is laaaame.

* Hey there Lopez, Sheila, you're both looking... uh very shiny, today, uh, rust-free, and, anyway, uh-huhm. The reason I'm up here to talk to you guys is, I know we've had our differences in the past, you know with uh, the nut turning and the um possessing and stuff like that, ah but I'm hoping we could put that behind us 'cause I wanna talk to you about maybe some crazy ideas you might be havin up here? Like I dunno, say uh, starting your own robot army? And you know it's, it's something you should think about pretty seriously if you're thinking about doing it, um because it's hard to run an army, and you might not be aware that, it's a lotta, it's a lot of logistics, a lot of rhetoric, um, you know it's uh, you gotta have chain of command, and that stuff you know, it's it's uh when you have ranks it, it puts friends against each other, that's not always a good thing. 'Cause it might seem like it's easy with only three people, even when those people are just robots- I don't mean, I don't mean just robots, I mean, three, you have, you you have three you have three people, that are, mechanized people, mechanized, Americans um, and then, you know, it's uh, it's uh, anyway you shouldn't do it. Bye.

* Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!

* And uh, sorry that I blamed you for killing me all this time.
That's okay, I'm sorry I enjoyed blowing you up so much.
Yeah I'm not sure it was necessary to tell me that.

* Hey everybody, what's up?
I am so happy that you made it in time to die with me. We will get to be smithereens together!

* Oh I wanna hear the long version. But can you tell me in three parts?

* But he's the one that told you Red and Blue are the same.
Exactly.
Wait are, are you talking about a conspiracy that Red and Blue are the same, or a conspiracy that Red and Blue are different?
Exactly.
You just keep saying exactly, do you have a theory or don't you?
Look, I don't care about Red, or Blue. All I know, is that those guys are up to something down there.
Maybe they're planning to use the radio to beam secret messages to the fillings in my teeth.
Secret messages about what!?
Exactly.

* Yes. We're talking about me.
Sounds like you're patronizing me.
No really, it's me, I'm a b***h.
Heh heh, keep going.
And I need to be calmed down all the time.
Or what happens?
Or, else I get so mad, I kill people on my own team.
...I see your point.

* Course we are, now get ready for your orders. Donut!
Yes Sir.
Scream like a woman!
Can do! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! We're all gonna die! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, wahaaaaaaaaah whooooooooo hoo hoooooooooooo, whoaa noooooo, whahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa, gonna die, we're gonna die, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Ahhhhhhhhhhh, we're all gonna die, can't someone help me, won't someone help me, whoaohhhhhhhhhhh, help me somebody... I'm too young to die, I'm too pretty to die... I haven't even seen Paris yet!

* I am feeling much better now. And, I can fly. I am flyinggggggg-
CRASH
Ow. The sky is very hard.

* We got something called IPuds.
...
Don't ask.

* Beans have carbs, dumbass. People in Hollywood die if they eat those.
Gotcha. Extra beans.

* And whose idea was it to leave a trail of ice cubes back to the base? In the snow?

* Oh hey look, a map.
Cool!
You are here. Good! At least now we know where we are.
I already knew I was here. Thanks for nothing map.

* Alright fine, we'll be right back. Come on Tucker, let's head North. I mean up- I mean North, God dammit!

* What an advantage! We could slowly dehydrate the Reds and when they come over to get a drink, Bam!
When did you start thinking strategically?
Ah, I just like being mean to people.

* Hey look, a yogurt shop, awesome!
I don't think they're open Tucker!
I think you're right, let's break in.
I'm not breaking in to a store to get you free yogurt. Come on, let's go.
I can see the sprinkles. Sprinkles Church, seriously.

* Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Nohohohoooooooooohaoooooooooooooo!
Is he ever gonna stop screaming? He's been up there for hours.
Simmons, shut him up!
Hey Grif, shut the ******** up! Get down here and help us check out the base!
No! No! Noooooooooooooohohohooooooooooooooo!
I don't think he's even listening to us.
Noooooooo actually that time I was answering your question noooooooooooo!

* Isn't anybody gonna ask me, "What happened to your body, Church?"
What happened to your body church.
What happened to some... body... Church?

* See, he is mad. Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.
... Okay. I was talking to Gary and-
Told you so.
God dammit!

* Hahahaha, some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church! Haha!
He didn't scare the crap outta him, he scared the soul outta him.
Oh it's Church, what's the difference? His soul is made outta crap. Stupid crap for soul.

* Bow chickachicka-
Shut up.
-gow wow chicka-
Shut up.
-chicka bow bow chickachickachi bow bow!
Shut up!

* No, we go in line. It goes you then me, then Simmons, then back down to me then you, then me then me, then Simmons then me then me then Simmons, me, me Simmons you Simmons me me me Simmons you. Me. Then me again. It makes perfect sense!

* Okay... Here we go...
...
...
...Uh, we're not moving.
Yeah, yeah, okay. Here we go.
...We're still not moving.
Does talking count as moving?
Alright screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight.
Bowchickabowwow.
Never mind, Tucker's in front.
Eh, it was worth it.

* Huh? There it is!
Jesus run!
Crap!
Oh my God oh my God I'm gonna die, what the ******** is that thing!
Run!
Women and children last!
Run run run run run run runn!
Ahhh run run run run run!
Did we win?

* I'm telling you it was here. It drove by while you were talking. You had your back turned, and it went zoom right behind you!
Well it really sounded like Ehhhhhhhhrchugachugachur-ah, my leg ah!

* You didn't hit anything but the wall.
How the hell would you know, you were runnin' straight backwards.
This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
Where were you planning on shooting him from, the ******** moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets.

* Uhh, what would I say?
Start with some common ground. Like how you both killed Church.
Mmm... good times.

* Over- huhem, ahuhh, overruled. Shame on you. Hurr

* In yo face wrench, in yo face!

* Oh man, I can't believe this. My life was going exactly as planned. I was second in command of a marginally successful unit, I had a superior officer who genuinely cared about me, I had the respect and admiration of all my peers. That was the dream! How did it all go so wrong? How! Hahahahow!? Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.
I don't think so.
Shut up, you ruined my life.

* Is a skunk juggling dead hamsters in here?