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The complete issue of the Saga of the Post of Insipidity, now part of a complete breakfast!
It all started a long time ago, when the world was young, and so were gaians. I was doing my routine buying/selling/exploiting from, to, and of, respectively, various gaians when I found this comment on my profile.
Sailor Wildfire:
Hey dud de can I please have mY yokai back?! I didn't mean to trade it!!! Someone hacked and did it! Please!
Naturally I set out to ensure that this person never, EVER begged from me again.
Notesurfer:
*laughs hysterically at your request*
I wish I hadn't read your profile before I commented, because I'm afraid that the brain damage will be irreparable.
1. Dane Cook is not a musician.
2. "Rock" is the new pop, and it certainly doesn't belong as a genre unless preceded by some sort of adjective.
3. The real clincher . . . is it really that hard to remember the names of your "favorite things?" Behold:
"Ah, My Goddess" not "Oh My goddess"
"Card Captor Sakura" not "Card Capture Sakura"
"Ranma 1/2" not "Ranma"
Hopefully becoming literate is one of your goals in life.
Have a nice day, and always keep in mind that the people to whom you are rude may return the favor. (-:
Unfortunately it seems that this child did not appreciate my kind gesture . . . .
Sailor Wildfire:
Ok.......one, I KNOW DANE COOK ISN'T A MUSICIAN, i just like him.
Two, the manga i read was called OH MY GODDESS
Three, I wasn't being rude you &!$%, I just realised a friend wanted it really bad, so i had to buy another one and give it to him
And four, GET OVER YOURSELF JUST BECAUSE I WROTE RANMA INSTEAD OF RANMA 1/2 DOESN'T MEAN $%!#, I just dont like 1/2 as opposed to the real one over two form of a fraction
.......d**k
Notesurfer:
If you read the manga then why does your profile refer to it as anime? The manga and the anime are called two different things you know . . .
By the way, could you translate "&!$%" for me? Sorry, I don't speak moron . . . at least, not fluently. Still, I think I got the gist of what you were saying: it seems that you'd rather forgo meaningful interaction and instead indulge in begging while fulminating with self-censors and accusations, when in fact it is your own ineptitude that has led to this diatribe.
Do you think the "d**k" that you threw haphazardly onto the end of your message feels lonely? I mean, all the good vulgarities censor themselves out, and they get to hang out in complete sentences, while poor little Richard is stuck all alone next to the rogue, mutant ellipses. Truly life is pain.
At this point she informed her friends, possibly through a veil of tears, that someone of indeterminate nature was mocking her outright on gaia. This resulted in the flooding of my profile by hundreds of her loyal compatriots. Er, both of them that is.
Drakmore belzelgace mask:
hello i am a friend of wildfire's but thats just a little background information so that you understand why i am now calling you a pathetic little man... that being said i suppose i should explain my reasoning... if you spend your time trying to drag other people into the "sea of despair" then you yourself do it to thrive off it... you need to feel smarter than others so that your existence seems more important than other people's so you attack there typing... i won't say this is fact just an accurate hypothesis... as for her censorship as far as i can tell she was only following the rules of language on this site which is perfectly reasonable since d**k is allowed being that it can be in pg-13 movies...so to wrap up my ramblings i will say this... don't bug others or else you may have to face the fact that you yourself are as low as the words you speak...
I was, of course, stunned by the depth of meaning that could be extrapolated from this message. This may or may not have been due to his grammar, or lack thereof, but whatever: I'm not picky.
Notesurfer:
Truly you have pierced the core of my cynical heart. Should we hug now or something?
That said, anyone who begs or tries to scam me deserves every pejorative I so carefully select to hurl in their direction. If that bothers you . . . get over it.
Perhaps this might have been the end of the escapade, but being the generous soul that I am, I chose to respond to each one of the angry messages left on my profile by Sailor Wildfire's loyal fans. Fan. Whatever.
Defung:
your almost as pathetic as me
Notesurfer:
Awww, it's a baby goth! They're so cute when they're young. ^_^
For the sake of clarity (and humor!), I shall henceforth refer to Drakmore belzelgace mask as The Drunk Philosopher and Defung as His Gothliness. Now, for Sailor Wildfire's reaction to my request for a translation . . .
Sailor Wildfire:
Well, I thought you were smart enough to fill in the blanks, but i guess i thought wrong. By the way, it doesn't matter where I put my manga and anime, the important thing is that it's on my profile.
Notesurfer:
I'm so sorry, your wit has clearly overwhelmed my facade of intellect. You and your friend are truly the most perceptive people I've ever met - ever considered a career in counseling?
Everything should have ended here, but as I am something of an entrepreneur of sarcastic conflict, I chose to continue it.
Alright, that's not actually true. In reality, due to the fact that I hadn't eaten my Mighty-O's that morning, I was feeling rather insecure and so I chose to bring in two of MY friends. I am a strong believer in leveling the playing field. Of course, bringing in two more sardonic intellectuals did no such thing, but I can dream, can't I? Special thanks to Malkyru and Gami-Chya for helping me make a mad lib out of The Drunk Philosopher's post. Twice.
Malkyru:
hello i am a friend of notesurfer's but thats just a little grease *noun* so that you operate *verb* why i am now urinating*gerund* you a frilly *adjective* aged*adjective* detergent*noun*... that being said i suppose i should explain my reasoning... if you spend your shadows*noun* trying to fathom*verb* other monkey butts*plural noun* into the "ponytail*noun* of fire*noun*" then you yourself do it to squeeze*verb* off it... you need to feel chromatic*adjective* than thermostats*plural noun* so that your patriotism*noun* seems more shiny*adjective* than other demon's *noun* so you vibrate*verb* there riding*gerund*... i won't say this is Caesar*noun* just an roman emperor *synonym for previous word*... as for her earwax*noun* as far as i can tell she was only following the gondola*noun* of sock*noun* on this site which is perfectly riveting*adjective* since Moby d**k*noun* is allowed being that it can be in pg-13 movies...so to wrap up my grease monkey*noun* i will say this... don't air freshener*noun* others or else you may have to face the fact that you yourself are as holy*adjective* as the buttons*noun* you lather*verb*
if any of this seems grammatically "off", it's because you were...
Not yet satisfied, I set out to prove myself to Sailor Wildfire once and for all, and with Malkyru and Gami-Chya's help produced the following, which was posted to her profile:
Malkyru:
hello i am a friend of notesurfer's but thats just a little gila monster *noun* so that you screech *verb* why i am now feasting*gerund* you a androgynous *adjective* beautiful*adjective* liposuction*noun*... that being said i suppose i should explain my reasoning... if you spend your hamsters*noun* trying to smoke*verb* other steels*plural noun* into the "poodle*noun* of danger*noun*" then you yourself do it to control*verb* off it... you need to feel gemmed*adjective* than 'shrooms*plural noun* so that your Tyra Banks*noun* seems more inspired*adjective* than other santa's *noun* so you lick*verb* there lapping*gerund*... i won't say this is cleavage*noun* just an large breasts *synonym for previous word*... as for her froth*noun* as far as i can tell she was only following the construction paper*noun* of poison ivy*noun* on this site which is perfectly rambunctious*adjective* since trout*noun* is allowed being that it can be in pg-13 movies...so to wrap up my handcuffs*noun* i will say this... don't greenhouse*noun* others or else you may have to face the fact that you yourself are as cynical*adjective* as the machetes*noun* you hemorrhage*verb*
this is a tribute to your friend's defense of you.
from notesurfer:
"As you can see, I am more than capable of filling in any blanks that present themselves."
Sincerely,
The Mad Lib Society
"At last" I cried! "I may be free of my insecurities, for surely I have owned her so hard that I might as well have the deed to her soul." Unfortunately, it seems that her and her comrades did not see the situation in the same light . . .
Defung aka His Gothliness:
listen pantie waste, in no way am i a goth. Just because you have, we can call them "awkward" fantasies of Goths and animals. doesn't mean i have to be a part of your sick world. In conclusion, you suck and will never amount to anything. Have a pathetic life. PS: the truth hurts...
I'm not sure what exactly he saw between the lines of my post, but if he hangs out with The Drunk Philosopher I can't blame him for trying to read into depths that aren't there.
Notesurfer:
It's true, the truth does hurt. Still, that doesn't explain the warm pleasant sensation that overtook my body when I read your post. Perhaps, if correctness causes pain, your incorrect assumptions have the effect of an unusually pleasant opiate.
Sailor wildfire then set out against me again, armed only with her generously endowed intellect and overcompensational courage.
Sailor Wildfire:
Listen....I don't know what happened to you that made you such a rotten waste of my caring, but I'll tell you this; stop picking every single thing apart
including people, or you going to be in real hell later. The story is, I sold you my item, and I messed up and wanted it back, that's it.
So much so that I just bought it off you two seconds after I pleaded for it back.
So go ahead and rant like a miserable wretch, but please please please stop being such a assumptious jerk. Or you'll just be miserable....believe it or not
I don't want that to happen to you. I'm sorry we had to meet on such bad terms and i'm sure your sarcasm would have amused me if we had become
better aquantences. I hope my typing was perfect enough for you this time
As you can see, I have been thoroughly, irreversibly, and inexorably crushed by the Goof Troop's airtight offense. I have learned my lesson - in the future, don't point it out to people when they misuse semicolons.
This broadcast was made possible in part by the Mad Lib Society, the Appropriate Nickname Generator, and contributions from viewers like you.
 Notesurfer · Mon Jun 18, 2007 @ 06:09pm · 3 Comments |
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