heart ..:: ~*+*~ It was a month or so ago that I got dumped by my ex-boyfriend. Yeah, I was pretty screwed up there at the beginning. All I did was think about him day in and day out. Even when I layed down to go to sleep, I thought about him.
First of all, our relationship was... sort of a secret. Besides the fact that my sister and friends knew about it, I never told any adults, especially my parents. They wouldn't have understood. I had just broke up with my first boyfriend, and he was a piece of trash. My (now ex) had said he liked me, and after a while, I started liking him, too. I was afraid to start a relationship with him at first, because I though that if we ever broke up, our friendship would never be the same. So, he convinced me with those oh so loving words he always used, that we'd be fine. And so, the start of something glorious came.
I loved him so much. He told me he loved me countless times. It didn't matter how many times he said it, because every time it felt real to me. We promised so many things to each other. I promised him my first kiss, among other things. We talked about our future together. How we could go to the same college, and we'd get married. And we even spoke of having children together. Such powerful words... meant nothing in the end.
As the date of our breakup came closer, he started becoming more distant each time we spoke. I was under the impression that he just had a lot of school work since it was his first year in high school. Then, he sent me a message saying that he had something important to talk to me about. I had this feeling that something terrible was happening, but I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that it was something else, anything else. But... the next time I heard from him, he started out saying, "We haven't been spending much time together lately..." And I knew. I just knew it was over. I cried. For many nights I cried myself to sleep.
I went on the next few weeks with the impression that maybe, under some act of a higher calling, that he'd tell me he loved me again. That he'd tell me that he still wanted to be with me. Even though I had been mad at him at first because I thought he'd given up when I didn't, I realised it wasn't his fault if he didn't love me anymore.
And so, this Saturday, I was in a great mood because I'd gone with a fair with my friends, and we had such a good time! I hadn't spoken to my ex in a painfully long time, and suddenly he messaged me. He said he was feeling great! I was so happy to hear it, too. I spoke of my time at the fair, then he said he'd gone on a date... my heart sunk. My conscience scurried to the back of my mind. He said he had a new girlfriend. I asked him if he was happy. "Yes. I'm very happy," he said in return. "That's all that matters..." I replied.
For the past few days, I felt as if my mind was blank. All I could think about was that the boy I loved so much, the boy I'd promised everything to... had someone else now. I had no chance, now. I felt utterly worthless and dead inside. Life without the hope that he'd love me again was violently torn to shreds, along with my heart.
Today I realised that... maybe I don't need him to be in love with me. Maybe all I really need... is for him to love me. As a friend. If that's all i can be to him, and if he's truely happy, that's really all that matters to me. Besides, it may take a lifetime, but I'm sure someday someone will truely be in love with me, and I'll truely be in love with them. That will be the person I give my first kiss to. That will be the person who I promise everything to.
To the person I'm meant o be with: I LOVE YOU ~*+*~ ::.. heart
First of all, our relationship was... sort of a secret. Besides the fact that my sister and friends knew about it, I never told any adults, especially my parents. They wouldn't have understood. I had just broke up with my first boyfriend, and he was a piece of trash. My (now ex) had said he liked me, and after a while, I started liking him, too. I was afraid to start a relationship with him at first, because I though that if we ever broke up, our friendship would never be the same. So, he convinced me with those oh so loving words he always used, that we'd be fine. And so, the start of something glorious came.
I loved him so much. He told me he loved me countless times. It didn't matter how many times he said it, because every time it felt real to me. We promised so many things to each other. I promised him my first kiss, among other things. We talked about our future together. How we could go to the same college, and we'd get married. And we even spoke of having children together. Such powerful words... meant nothing in the end.
As the date of our breakup came closer, he started becoming more distant each time we spoke. I was under the impression that he just had a lot of school work since it was his first year in high school. Then, he sent me a message saying that he had something important to talk to me about. I had this feeling that something terrible was happening, but I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that it was something else, anything else. But... the next time I heard from him, he started out saying, "We haven't been spending much time together lately..." And I knew. I just knew it was over. I cried. For many nights I cried myself to sleep.
I went on the next few weeks with the impression that maybe, under some act of a higher calling, that he'd tell me he loved me again. That he'd tell me that he still wanted to be with me. Even though I had been mad at him at first because I thought he'd given up when I didn't, I realised it wasn't his fault if he didn't love me anymore.
And so, this Saturday, I was in a great mood because I'd gone with a fair with my friends, and we had such a good time! I hadn't spoken to my ex in a painfully long time, and suddenly he messaged me. He said he was feeling great! I was so happy to hear it, too. I spoke of my time at the fair, then he said he'd gone on a date... my heart sunk. My conscience scurried to the back of my mind. He said he had a new girlfriend. I asked him if he was happy. "Yes. I'm very happy," he said in return. "That's all that matters..." I replied.
For the past few days, I felt as if my mind was blank. All I could think about was that the boy I loved so much, the boy I'd promised everything to... had someone else now. I had no chance, now. I felt utterly worthless and dead inside. Life without the hope that he'd love me again was violently torn to shreds, along with my heart.
Today I realised that... maybe I don't need him to be in love with me. Maybe all I really need... is for him to love me. As a friend. If that's all i can be to him, and if he's truely happy, that's really all that matters to me. Besides, it may take a lifetime, but I'm sure someday someone will truely be in love with me, and I'll truely be in love with them. That will be the person I give my first kiss to. That will be the person who I promise everything to.
To the person I'm meant o be with: I LOVE YOU ~*+*~ ::.. heart
