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After only being awake for an hour, I wanted to crawl back into my bed. It's the safest, quiestest, warmest place I have to hide.

My mother and sister were screaming, arguing back and forth over the internet usage. Cassie was saying that now, all of sudden, once I'm back she has to share the internet and that its unfair because mom had told her that I would have no privileges. My mother was saying that she had changed her mind and wanted to allow me time to talk to my friends that I can't call on the phone. Cassie was flat-out being rude to my mom, calling her a "retarded b***h" and then continuing on about how she had more friends than me and so thus that made her more important than me and she DESERVED the internet time.

Also, Cassie says that I need to make friends closer around here... so that I don't need to get online to talk to them. I wanted so badly to ask her why should she be allowed to have far-away friends but not me... not me, the one who just lived in a state for another month, not me, the clearly more mature one of us two, not me-because I'm a "slut." Even if I did get friends around here I would still keep my long-distance ones. I have friendships that have been built up over the past 5 years with people online; I'm not throwing those away just because she says so. I'm not here servant, neither is my mom.

I hate how much she gets away with. She really makes me consider death as the better option- Since I "ruined her life" pretty much by existing. I was the first-born... I can't help that my mom had me and decided to keep me and then decide to bring another child into this world. That's not something I can change! I'm not about to off myself just so she can have a "better life" if I'm dead. She deserves to freakin' suffer!

I've been through so much worse than her and I always end up on the short end of the stick when it comes to getting things from mom. Cass uses her amazing bitching powers and basically says she'll stop and be nicer to mom if mom buys her this or that. OH! And she's going bald... but my mom will probably buy her the $3500-$6000 wig because Cass needs to have an image. If I were going bald 1) I wouldn't care, people would just have to accept the hairless me, 2) I wouldn't force mom to buy me a wig when money's already tight.

Money is always tight. Cass always has new stuff, whether it's a purse, shoes, clothes... she's got new. I get maybe 4-5 new shirts a year compared to her like 20... I had the same pair of tennis shoes for 2 years and then mom decided to buy me my new green ones because my old shoes were getting holes and too worn. Cass complained about those and how she never gets anything. We bought her about 4 shirts while we were shopping in Scottsdale and she's bitching that I got a tank top, a new short/capri thing, and a pair of shoes, oh and don't forget my $15 shades! All of which I will wear on pretty much a regular basis.

GRAAAAAAAAAAAH!! She makes me sooo angry!!

Then!! OH! >_< When she was arguing with my mother she brought up my relationship with Ivan. She said, and this was so unbearable to listen to, "Well at least I'm not dating a MEXICAN that lives in ******** ARIZONA!" This broke me, I couldn't stand in there and watch the fight anymore. I sulked quickly to my room and hid under the covers, squeezing Takkun as hard as I could. My mother has even said I should not be dating him... but it's not as if I'm planning my whole life around him nor is he planning his around me. We're two people who get along and happen to like each other and if it weren't for my being 3 years older than him at this particular point in life then it wouldn't matter so much. If we were both older though... I would have probably never met him. I'm such a hermit.

It's ok though... I like to be alone sometimes. As for any worries anyone may have... no one has to worry about me killing myself. My trip to the psych ward over my 18th brithday prevents me from being able to buy a gun. Also, I have someone to live for, someone that wants me to be the best me I can be. You know who you are, and my meeting you and knowing you has changed my life so significantly. I know that no matter what happens in my life, that person will be there for me as much as they can. All of my friends, each and every one of you would stick by my bedside and help me through whatever was plaguing me. Thank you all... I'm so lucky to have friends like you - you keep me sane(ish).

heart Kuri, Misa, Amanda, Mandy, Manda, Marionette, M, Panda-chan, and Aya