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good morning

Do you ever wake up and just feel too small for the world? As if it's going to rage around you and there will never be enough of you to meet the needs of those you care about?

I'm afraid I'll be like the knight professing love at the base of a window only to have water thrown in my face, and then to realize I'm just a tom cat and not the powerful, golden knight I imagined. It's like a bad dream where you think you're the professor in a class, eloquent and full of finesse, only mid way through the lecture you realize you're just a student, first year, and everyone in the class knows it. Snickering and never forgetting... such things should always be just bad dreams.

I imagine everyone feels like that, sometimes, at least.

I'm cleaning out my old apartment today. I loved that apartment. OMG.. I loved it. The time to move had really come though. This new apartment is much better and I think I'll feel better and less like I'm losing part of myself.

It's strange how attached I am to that one place, as if walking down that hall everyday, expecting to hear my daughter's voices, to hear Raven, to have them to smile at, it had become a part of me, almost a definition of me. I've never been attached to a place like that before, ever.

I'm afraid that without London (she didn't like me, long story, may she have a good life), without some willing person to hold to ... see, I'm greedy. I long for some companion to be my reference... It's probably villianous of me somehow. I guess I don't understand relationships at all. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out I didn't understand anything at all

I have a cute new avatar here on Gaia though. I got nifty stars and birds from Lady Change. They are gifts that are greatly appreciated.

Maybe I'll make progress on my comic today. I'm just being like a little kid, kicking and screaming and refusing to leave the store until I get my toy, but life is bigger than I and will drag me along to where I'm supposed to go. I doubt I'll learn enough to get wise and secure, but maybe if I stop kicking and screaming so much, maybe there's some fun to be had between here and the store entrance.