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DEAR DAD,
IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH
MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MUM AND YOU.
I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL
HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.

BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA ASSURES ME THAT
WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I AM, SHE
ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD ENOUGH FOR THE
WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE
OF MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE
GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE
AND ECSTASY WE NEED. IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE
FOR AIDS SO THAT BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!
DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 12 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR
GRANDCHILDREN.

YOUR SON, NATHAN

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT A FRIENDS HOUSE.
I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT
CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.

I LOVE YOU!


PS:CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME