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As I have gotten older I think I know more and more about myself. I think I change and grow, but when confronted with men it seems like I keep regressing. I keep investing more and more of my time into them to no avail and maybe even wanting to see something that can't or won't ever be there. It's depressing to keep coming to this conclusion and it's the very definition of insanity that it keeps happening in the first place. I always think I get so far with...let's call him Jay...like maybe even mutual love...but he quickly puts me in my place and shows me that I will always be the one who wants more or feels more than him. Yet I couldn't bear the thought of him not being in my life. I think I am a masochist. I wish I could just like get over him yet at times I feel like he's the only one who truly understands and accepts me.