A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb a**?"

A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.

A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

A good friend will help you up when you fall. A best friend was the one who tripped you in the first place.

A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.

A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. A best friend will throw you a tampon and push you in.

A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen.

Good friends ask why you're crying. Best friends already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry.

Good friends will help you with your drug problem. Best friends are the ones who sold it to you.This had me laughing for ages - Please read

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

When I am at Hogwarts I will not: Ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling

When I am at Hogwarts I will not sing: "I'm Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmasters office.

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

Life was so simple when boys had cooties

I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

Fergie taught me how to spell delicious and glamorious. But not so much tastey!

Huh, it figures. All the good guys are taken, vampires, or both.

I agree with the dictionary. girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

We fall for stupid boys we make lots of dumb mistakes we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls, we're really going at one thing, staying strong.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

I'm right 90 percent of the time, so why worry about the other 3?

I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y".

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone.

"Doctors say I have multiple personalties. We disagree with that."

"When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then laugh while people try to figure out what the hell you did."

"It doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full, just drink it and get it over with."

"I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do, kill me?"
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together."

"Education is important, school however, is another matter."

"Don’t mess with me - I've got a stick."

"Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable."

"Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't."

"I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either."

"1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you."

"Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls."

"Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped."

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'"

"He Said: I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it.
She Said: You wear pants don't you?"

"Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that."

"Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over."

"You know your addicted when Volterra is added to your computer dictionary."

"Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door."

"I'm the kind of girl who falls and apologizes for it."

"I do not suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it."

"I smile cause I don't know what the hell is going on."

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.
"If you know me, chances are you hate me." ~ Anonymous
"Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over." ~ Anonymous
"When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back." ~ Anonymous
"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit and shut up." ~ Anonymous
"Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it." ~ Anonymous
"Sometimes, people just build walls up not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break through." ~ Anonymous
"The cracks in the cement are a reminder that no matter how strong you may be, you can break." ~ Anonymous
Got a problem with me? Solve it.
Think I'm trippin'? Tie my shoe.
Can't stand me? Then sit down.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you,
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty,
And so is your head.
If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.
ran with scissors, and lived!
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
"Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
All the good ones are either dateing someone, married, or fictional characters in books or movies
The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.
"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it."
"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"
"Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real."
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they've seen me laugh, and they've seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
I'm not so good at advice. Can I intrest you in a sarcastic comment?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Talk to the hand ,a flick of the wrist oh my gosh you just got dissed.

Im a person who lives in america and goes to a school and reads books!
SOCCER IS THE BESTEST SPORT EVER!
I dont have Blonde Moments i have Blonde Years!
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils
"Fragile. Do not drop."(oppsie...)
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceilingEnergizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
He who laughs last didn't get it
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
You can't spell awesome without ME!
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.