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Yusuke's Journal
YOU SUCK AT LIFE!!
I'm writing a book. (creaive feed back?)
Ok as you can tell from the subject I'm writing a book. I've tried it before and failed so this is the farthest I have gotten in writing a book. So be nice but tell me what you think k?

The Begining


Karen, Martha, Jared....... They believed. Me? No. I didn't. At least, I used to not believe. So why was I going through this and they weren't? It's because they believed, that they weren't in pain right now. I was because I had wanted more proof, that I could feel life slipping away. Because they were so willing. Because I wasn't......

Awakining


Midnight. A time when the world sleeps. I was sleeping too. I thought I was sleeping. This didn't feel like sleep though. I was resting, that much was true, but I was strangely aware of everything going on around me. The dust settling by my ear, the bug scurrying across the floor and a presence in the corner. The latter registered in my mind and I sat up to see what it was. What I saw was complete darkness, so when a soft handsome voice spoke, I jumped, turning in the direction it had come from.
"Well, look who finally decided to wake up". I had heard the voice before, but there was a fog that kept me from identifying it.
"Who's that"? I managed to say, careful not to slur my words.
"You mean you don't know who I am"? He, for it was a male voice, said in mock sadness. "We shall have to change that".
It was a swift movement and I hadn't realized what had happened until I felt the cool night breeze rushing past my face. It felt like I was flying, only I was being carried.
Before I could truly appreciate it, the breeze ended and I was set on my feet in a dark room. Off balence, I started stubbling, trying to stay up right. A cold hand caught me above the elbow and helped steady me.
"There now. We don't need you falling over right now". With that, who ever had my arm let go and proceded to light several candles. As my eyes ajusted, I could make out a tattered old couch and a side table that seemed to be missing a leg.
"Carlton". I said, finally reconizing the voice and where we were. We were in his manor, in the sitting room. He was dressed in dark blue jeans and a black hoodie. Carlton's movements were quick and barely made a sound as he finished lighting the candles.
"Violet, I've asked you before; call me Carl please. Now that you remember who I am and I'm sure you reconize where you are" he said, sprwaling across the couch, "Tell me; How are you feeling"? With that he fixed his gaze on me waiting for my response.


Well thats all i have right now but im still working on it! thats not even half on the first chapter. so tell me what you think please!!!! crying

Komugi_8
Community Member
  • [09/12/08 06:18am]
  • [08/22/08 07:38am]
  • [06/21/08 05:16am]
  • [05/08/08 11:15pm]
  • [01/11/08 10:57pm]
  • [12/31/07 02:43am]
  • [11/24/07 09:06pm]
  • [08/12/07 04:05pm]
  • [08/05/07 09:56pm]
  • [08/01/07 05:10pm]




  • User Comments: [3]
    I Am Fluffy Hear Me Roar
    Community Member





    Mon Jan 22, 2007 @ 10:51am


    I fancy myself a bit of a writer, so I'll bite. >D

    But first, let me ask how you want your feedback?

    Gental C&C, or can I be brutal?


    I Am Fluffy Hear Me Roar
    Community Member





    Mon Jan 22, 2007 @ 11:28pm


    Alright. Your funeral. >D

    And you guessed it first. Running a writing piece through the spell checker isn't enough. Have someone proofread it for you. Though, this is many times better than your usual rants on here. Only the color pink on light blue is making my eyes bleed. Better than run ons, I guess.

    Next, description is your friend. You set up a lot of characters. But for anyone imagining this as they read it, they have way to much to fill in. Describe what the characters look like. And since your main character is also the narrator, have her also give her opinions on the characters; the way her thoughts would sum those people up. Don't dwell to much on each one, but try to be adequate when painting them with words.

    That wasn't too evil, was it?


    Komugi_8
    Community Member





    Tue Jan 23, 2007 @ 01:29am


    it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be.

    1) your right. it was better then my usually rants
    2) its not pink (and shun you for thinking that i would pick such a color!) it violet. i tought i would be a good color since the main charecters name is violet. but yea it does do things to the eyes.....


    User Comments: [3]
     
     
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