the loneliness that captivates you is so tight
you can't breathe.
there are people surrounding you and smiles emanating from faces
but you are alone.
in your dark room you let yourself cry
sob
and wish that it was different
wish that you had someone
anyone
to be by your side.
you start to wonder why you bother.
what's one good moment worth
if more bad ones just follow after?
you start to doubt everything you do
from the way you walk
speak
the things you wear
the things you say.
you don't know yourself
anymore.
when you wake up it's like a haze has blown onto your ceiling
like this is some purgatory you got sent to and can't escape.
every movement is like walking on a cloud
and every breath feels like it's slowly poisoning you
until you just don't wake up.
you can take it, you tell yourself.
you've done it before and you can do it again
and again.
but when does it stop being worth it?
how many times do you have to fall to learn?
just how naive
can you really be?
a darkness calls to you and it's harder to resist.
it's soft and subtle and has no voice or urges
it just sits on your lap and delicately plays with your strings.
it tells you "maybe next time" and "it'll be over for you"
and you're ashamed that you listen
that you entertain it
that you dream about it.
it's getting harder for you to maintain a grip
to make up excuses to etch on.
it's impossible to see past the haze
to ignore the weighted beast upon your lap
harder to cope with the emptiness that you created.
you try to remember how to breathe
how to think and how to feel
but there are times where you remember
the peace of the fall.
the sudden ease of everything going around you
and the abrupt stop at the bottom.
faggulicious Community Member 
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