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sometimes I think about dying, about leaving everything and never coming back, and I wonder what life would have been like had some of the things been prevented.
sometimes I blame my disease on one event or on a couple of key words that I've hear while growing up and wonder what it would have been like had my life not had them.
now I wonder of my uncertain future,I only see a small ray of hope yet that ray seems far away.
I don't want to give up the fight,I don't want to be stuck in this world anymore,the world that I dessapprove of albeit I am forced to live in it.
it's funny in a way.
there are days when I can train my mind to be triggered to fuction like a "normal's" then the day is gone and the tears come and I'm left exposed and alone.
this darkness is overwhelming at times.
I wish I could change yet at the same time I know that this is my only way of control over a life that lacks much of it.
I don't want to die but that won't stop the thoughts that plague my mind.
at times when I'm walking I have thought of just going straight for the road and let one of the cars hit me, then I snap back and wonder what that was all about.
I don't want this sickness yet I find myself purging and fasting just because of a feeling,sometimes just because I can,and knowing how bad it is for me and how much many people that care for me dissapprove of it makes me wonder just how much I like it.
I feel empty,alone,and forgotten.
it's a constant in my life for me to feel that even thought those days (that weren't so long ago) are gone.
I'm afraid of truly giving myself to someone,afraid that if they know the real me then they will hate me.
the darkness is everywere and I'm always followed by my ghosts,they are there,always watching,waiting,listening,and looking over everything I do.
waiting for me to slip and fall.
for their chance of having me back.
I hear them constantly throughtout the day, see them in almost every corner,feel their presence as I go about my schedule,they are there,always there,always by my side.
sometimes the pain get the better of me and I feel like screaming,crying,fighting,cutting all at once,all of it I wish to do in record time just so I can feel alive, just so I can realise that I'm human yet I never act upon those desires in fear of their concequences.
sometimes I cry myself to sleep and when I wake up I still have tears in my eyes.
sometimes I lay awake wondering of all the things that lead to this and out of anger I throw the pillows and stuff animals all about the room.
sometimes I walk,praying to Ra that it'll rain so I can safely cry,because I can never truly let my emotions go.
theres never a moment for me to just let go.
 yamiruri · Fri Apr 28, 2006 @ 12:54am · 0 Comments |
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