It's amazing to me to see how much a person can change in a matter of years. And yeah, obviously I would be referring to myself. I look at younger generations and wonder if there's any hope...and then I see I was the same way as a kid...and I wonder even more.
Nah.
I'm alright.I at least grew up to be less self-involved. Dropped that boy and started actually doing some good in the world. I'd be lying if I said there's not a special place in my heart for that time and that boy, but clearly, seven years have passed and things were bound to change. I'm not sure why I still think about the memories and the people from back then. I guess it's just hard to accept it's all fallen apart. So much is different, and all those people will never be together again, not like that.
Madison and Joann hate each other now. Not without good reason, but they do. Thank God I still have Joann. I guess I'd have Madi too if things weren't so crazy right now. Madi's parents aren't married anymore. I haven't been friends with "Nika" or Hope in years. Hope and her new best friend both had babies in high school. Julia does her own thing now, but she and Stephy are still best friends. Melodie moved away to Oklahoma and is getting married next summer (I'm in the bridal party, thank God we stayed together). And Robby? Well, I guess he tells people that we used to be super close whenever I'm mentioned and politely asks how I'm doing.
I'm sick of all the ******** formalities. Is that all all of us are going to be to each other anymore? Conversational points at parties? It makes me sick to my stomach because these were the last people I loved without reserve, and without expecting much in return (although I was grossly unfair to Robby, I must admit). And to think I was just some whiny hyperactive little brat when all of this happened. I figure I probably still am. I just express myself more eloquently. And love people a lot less, because I know someday they'll probably all be moved away or pregnant or married or not the least bit interested in me as a person.
But my boyfriend's mom has cancer and I have to find a second job to pay the bills and my sisters and brother are growing up too fast for me to keep up. My friends are so busy and I am so lost and I'm trying to make something of myself so I can maybe help just one other person before I'm gone forever.
And it all feels so goddamn futile. I miss speaking my mind in public. I miss being an uninhibited, happy, (somewhat) fearless brat.
I'm not saying I want things back exactly how they were.
I just want to feel the way I used to.
SunshineChristy Community Member 
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