I don't know if you know yet but VO's father has died from cancer on April 9th and in memory for him and my mother whom I lost in the Winter of 1998 on December 10th due to Breast Cancer I would like to recall my mother's life and death.
My mother's life is given to me in small portions and I barely know what her life was like. She was born in Italy in 1965 and moved to Engladn 2 years later and when she was 11 moved to America where she excelled in life and became a Pharmacists, she married my father in 1986 and had me in 1991. She lived life to the fullest until cancer took ahold with a noticeable effect when I was 3 or 4ish She fought to the end and made it a long time...
I barely remember anything about the day my mother died, I tried and managed to expell those memories and now I want them back but I am a bit frightened to ask my father those questions that a truly burning my heart away into ashes. But what I do remember is it was during recess and I got a call down to the office saying that I will be going home. I, at the time, LOVED recess and in my first grade class we had the pretend kitchen and it was my turn to be the mother... I was mad and I was (to my dismay) met with my Uncle Jim in the office. I was confused and I wished my mother was there to pick me up instead since the day before it was snowing and she walked me to school and back, those trips I enjoy quite a bit.
I remember we went back to my house and got something...but I don't remember what it was but then we got back into his pick up and we road down to Mercy Hospital in which that ride was very long since none of us talked.
My mother was in the ER but I wasn't able to see her. So my Aunt Anna and myself sat in the ER waiting room and several times my father came in and looked very rushed and sad but once he came in after my lunch of McDonalds (Which I got a Miss Piggy notebook that had a pink plastic film on it on which you can draw) he showed me how to draw a flower in a vase... the one he drew was perfect and later I put it in my mother's coffin.
Several house later I was in the waiting room and my father walked in and told me to follow him. So of course I got up (At this point I didn't know she was going to die, I didn't even know she had cancer) and together we walked into the ER and I would never forget the sick people that were in there and this one old women that was laying in the bed and looked at me when I passed, she was skeletal like and was extremely pale, I remember smiling when I passed and she smiled back...
We walked into the room in the far left hand corner and inside was my mother, bald, pale and seemingly sleeping. I felt shy and I walk to her bed side. I have seen her sick before but never like this. As I walked closer I noticed her eyes slightly open and I think she was watching me. My father walks on the opposite side of the bed and I think he placed his hand on my mothers but I am not sure.
"Jessica, just tell her that you love her. She may not seem like she can but she is listening..." It was then that I understood what was going on, my mother was dieing she wouldn't be like this, the usually happy, loving person was now laying motionless in a bed in which she didn't belong.
Through tears I stuggle to say I love you Mommy, I wanted to say good bye but my throat locked up and my face contorted itself but I held it back. My father nods and take my hands and leads me out of the room again. I heard the Beeeep from another room but we continued walking and out to the lobby where all my family that lived in the area were. I sat next to my cousin Johnny and said Hi. About 10 minutes later I walk back down the hall way into the waiting room where my aunt was. I sit next to her and she takes my hand in silence. I swear I heard the beep then but god knows if that is true. A minute later my father comes into the room with a doctor and tells us my mother passed. My father leads me to her bed. Right away I begin to cry, really scream and I took her hand and sat on the bed screaming out my whys and thinking in my head, Why her? Why now?! Why not some deserving person? A priest comes in and tells everyone who was now in the room to "Hold" my mothers spirit down just for a little longer and he leads us in a prayer the entire time I weeped with my head thrown back and tears streaking down my face.
Once we did that we were told to go out of the room and only my father and grandmother were allowed to stay. I walked out of the room still sobbing, not uncontrollably like before but still loudly. My aunt managed to calm me down and everyone hugged me and said they were sorry. I just nodded. The next couple of days I remember shopping for a dress for my mother's wake and funeral and then the actual wake and funeral. The first day I cried but I held it in because of all the people and my teacher was there...
Everytime I pass that funeral home now I have to look away and in the church where the service was held I refuse to look down the aisle at the spot where the coffin was placed... The graveyard I do not mind anymore but I do have to hold back tears when I go. I still mourn my mother's death and today was the first time in a year that I have cried about her death and now I do feel a lot better.
I am sorry if this is so long and it bored you but I had to get it out or it might have just killed me.
" This is my body and with all my might, I will prevail with one hell of a fight." -J Joens, 10/13/05
bink-chan · Wed Apr 12, 2006 @ 03:36am · 0 Comments |