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there is so much I want to say
my feelings most of the time are confusing even to myself
yesterday,I found myself being cnforted by a person I had never even seen in my life yet I knew that she would understand without trying to say that what I'm doing is wrong.
I have no control over anything and I hate it,I hate this so much,I thought that by telling those that care for me would be a good thing but now I'm not so sure that I made the right decision.
I hate everything.
my thoughts everytime I eat, I know that this isn't normal but this is what I want.
so it's bad for me,what isn't?
I just want to be left alone when it comes to my decisions and not be forced to eat if I don't want to,there will be times when I do but at the moment,the only thing that I want is to go on a fast.
don't get me wrong,I love knowing that there are people out there who love me enought to not give up like they have up until now; I just hate feeling this way.
I hate having to hurt everyone and never make anyone happy,it's like,I tell them what it's like in my own way (I know that it can be in ridels at times but that's because no one is ready for the truth right now and that's way I do that),yet no one gets it,all I do is dissapoint people and that's just something that you shouldn't do to an ana (anorexic) like me.....I want to make everyone happy and having to lie to my mother for the reasons as to why I'm not fasting kills me and having to be basicly forced to eat so I can make her happy kills me too.
no matter what I do,I can't seem to make anyone happy and I feel like no one wants to try to understand the s**t that goes through my mind everytime I see food; sometimes I'll be fine and I'll let you know but other times ,like now, I won't and I want to be understood and supported regardless of what state of mind I'm at the moment and unfortunally I have no one I can say that will be that person for me.
there are times,like yesterday,when I feel like I'm missing a big piece of myself,it's hard to describe unless you've been through something like that but when that happens I don't even know what I want or who I am, at those moments,I'm sad to say, is whenI need my lover the most and it hurts me that the person who I'm supposed to trust the most won't understand me,and I feel like that same person doesn't even wat to listen to me when it comes to me saying what's truly bothering me.
I don't wish this upon anyone,having ana, mia or ednos (all eating disorders) is not fun,but that's my life and I have to deal with it and for me to be keeped away from what I need to do at the moment only brings me one step closer to a breakdown.
 yamiruri · Sat Mar 18, 2006 @ 04:43pm · 1 Comments |
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