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Short story, not real, don't take serious |
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I Loved her
By: Savvi
AN: Short story, not real, don't take serious
It was a very cold morning, early morning, nearly dawn. I couldn't see the sun, but I knew, just like a wild animal knows, knows to run from those who have guns, us humans who are merely afraid of ourselves and take it out on the wild animals. I had been stuck in this blizzard for over a few days now. No one could get in, I couldn't get out.Being cut off from other human beings taught me something, something important. I hope that some day you'll find this journal, but it will be long after I am gone. For tonight I am doing it. So as I sit here, here in at this small table, fit for only two.... here.... I sit thinking about her. The fragrance of her hair that is still on my cloths, the one that even when I wash my cloths never comes off. As if it doesn't want to leave me, but she already has, hasn't she? and for that is way I am here, partaking a journey I will not return from, alive, but I do indeed tend to finsh. I can hear the winds outside whipping agaisnt the frozen snow, the frozen ground. Although my cabin and I are under this frozen snow, under the chilled winters and under so much more than I merely beilive to be snow. I wish she were here, if she were here maybe things would be different than they are now, but she has chosen not to show herseld, refuses to admit that her own being indeed loved me back.
None of that matters now.No, not None of it. She isn't here and that is my problem, yes indeed. For you know, I had loved her, I felt she was mine. Yes mine. Mine to hold, to laugh with, I wanted to share every moment with her. I wanted it to last forever, but her fear of someone finding out had gotten her, dragged her down so quickly. She resorted to ignoreing me, and therefore I am stuck in this blizzard. Indeed, I'm quite glad she is not here.
I don't have much fire wood left, and I simply can't just start using more than the furinature than I already have. After all I had paid for it, why should I let it all go to waste? Yes, a mere waste like our love, like the secret kisses right undernear her mothers nose, the "I love you's" That taunted me Her eyes showing how true those words were, but her voice showing empty compassion,was and had pulled at my skin making me feel that there was no real love behind them. Truely I loved her, as much as I wished she was mine, I knew I was under her spelled, she pulled the strings, and yet I still tought of her as mine. that Her cheerful brown eyes that had said so much more to me than what she ever wanted to or will ever admit to, I felt they were mine. It must have been the admitting that killed her. She couldn't do it, so now she'd fallen apart. Of course she was not really dead, that would have been Oh so much eaiser, wished for, only her soul was merely dead, yes, Compressed to a life she never wanted or dreamed of having, And that I feel was my fault. Indeed my fault.
It was stronger now, the wind, it seemed with ever flicker of fire that went out, the wind got stronger, pushing it's way though the chimne which was amazingly still above snow. i didn't know how high the snow had been, only that I was barracaded in, that the windows and doors where unavailable to allow me though.If the fire didn't last till tonight I'd die, and indeed I did not want to die, not yet. Not till the time my journey would start. After the journey was started it didn't matter weather the fire was gone or not, cause then indeed I would be dead, but that was tonight, it was tonight that my journey would be unravled. I sopose I could manage a few furinature to be held over the fire, to give heat to me, although I felt as if I didn't need it, my body told me otherwise. I felt so cold, numb that even if the cabin itself was ablaze that I still would be nothing more than cold, then numb. I sopose that is how she felt now. Indeed, how she felt. I knew right about now that her mother was leaving for work. I wondered if she thought about me, yes, yes of course I was her first kiss. I had taken it, with out much care if she wanted me too or not, I only wanted her to love me, at that time I did not care if it was a forced love or not, I only wanted to be with her.
Ah, but now... now that what has been set a toll will not change, for I do wish it did. Now, now that she was in her room, feeling as cold and numb as I am. This thought makes me heisatate weather or not to go though with tonights journey, I must shake off these thoughts of troubles, for I have already desided what will become of me, tonight, indeed tonight was the beginning of a new adventure, one that I would use to forget her, the one I love. The one who could not lie to me for her voice, eyes, mouth, even her own stomache would betray her when she lied, well at least at me. The one who'd I'd run to even if I was unable to breath, even if I was on the verge of dying myself, oh dear mind not the wetness that has started to tadder away at my journals paper.
The body's sorrow always leads to my eyes, and I fear that I have started to smear my writing agaisnt the journal, I fear that you will not be able to read this, and that indeed would be a problem. Although I wonder why you have not come upon my resuce, I feel that you have been troubled by me enough, and I'm not surprized as much as I am delighted that you too, my dear will not be here tonight.
To some, they may think I am insaine now, that I have broken far to many wires and no body's here to tape them back together. I do not see it that way, no Indeed I do not. I am still fully here, I can tell you I am still wise, I have not been off my rocker, I am merely lost, yes Indeed I am quite Lost, lost in a never ending turn of events called my life.
Oh, I have lost track of time, as I listen carefully to the wind, which has slowed down to a mere whisper. Telling me it was dark and it was now time, yes I thank you my dear, when you find me. I will know you have read this, and you will not scream. please do not tell her. Yes, her the one I love... I loved her.
Do you hear me my darling? I have recalled it many of times though out this entry, and now I wish dare a say, that you do not tell her.
yes my darling, I loved her. Now I must forget her, and you do understand this was my only was of fogetting her, Yes Indeed. This is the only way, I cannot forget her, without forgetting myself. So as I write down my last and oh so dieing breath, I wish that you tell her. "I Love you, love Me" Tell her that and she Indeed will understand. I must now put past the remarks, and begin this journey.
As I set down my pencil which Indeed has began to dull, and I take that knife which I used to carve oh so many things, includeing many gifts for her. The gifts that I now know are gone, As she is. She will not be back, as I won't. So here I go.. I have set out my journey and will not turn back now. Yes, Indeed as I take the blade of this knife, I slowly rub my finger agaisnt it, Yes it is indeed still sharp from the last gift. My finger is bleeding now, as a test I feel that it does not hurt, my dear as I fill my last pages of dieing sorrow I will not hurt, no. Cold and Numb, with the Numb comes the pleasure of Indeed feeling nothing, No Not Pain, nor love. And so as I say good bye, as I summerise this up, I wish for you to know that I will not be back, As I do feel that you will find the corpse I feel behind tommorrow, most likely morning.
Now it is time, just before she left, it's the time she took me home, showing that fear. I will leave her to be, and now I say good bye truely good bye. As the knife inflicts itself into my heart and the pencil slowly drops from my hand, the lasts words that I have written.. I Loved her.
 Savvi · Fri Feb 17, 2006 @ 10:14pm · 0 Comments |
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