Do you ever wake up in life and wonder what the hell were you doing?
I guess that is what has been happening to me. I remember being so certain of what I was going to do. I remember knowing exactly what I wanted to do. Now, it is only this fog in front of me. Everything is covered because I could face reality when I was a kid.
I think it began when I found out my mother had cancer. Everything changed. We started hiding our feelings with smiles and grins, but never hugs. We started to try to escape our feelings by changing the subject. With my mother, we would laugh and have a movie night. Or skip out after church and go to the fishing hole, not caring that I was wearing my best clothes. We tried to live everything we could without the thought that it was going to end.
I look back now and regret never once talking to her. Everything I want to ask a question, to ask some thing personal that can't be answered by some scientfic definition, I wish that we talked.
After she died, I think I began hiding away. Reading fanfiction seems to be the bigggest part of that...it still is. It is such a huge part in my life, but it isn't helping me in anyway. It only slows me down....to a bloody crawl.
Then comes my brother. Everything is weird with Devlin. I can never tell what is going on behind those eyes, but I always know that there is more there then what everyone sees. We have never talked either, and soon he will be going away. Sally tried to force him to leave sooner. I went to Nicole's house looking for her. I only found Amanda. I ended up sobbing on her shoulder and afterward I was so ashamed.
I am going to have to let Devlin leave sometime. With my other brothers, it was different. They were older then me. They had never been my best friend. When I was a kid, Devlin was my only friend. Now it seems like we barely talk and when we do, he is disappointed in the fact that I can never be more than the selfish little brat that I am used to.
I hope that Devlin will not become like my other brothers. I am no longer a part of their life. I am their younger sister, but I don't babysit and I never visit. No matter how strong a memory is, it will fade in time.
Now that I got that little bit of depression written down here, I will have to sit here and wait untill it passes until I do my homework. Byes.
Forum Freedom Fighter Community Member 
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