Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Your browser has JavaScript disabled. Enable JavaScript on your browser for most GaiaOnline features to work correctly.

View User's Journal

Report This Entry Subscribe to this Journal

	Begginings of... The begging of my stories and thoughts
	Begginings of... The begging of my stories and thoughts


Father Tech: Chapter 1: And so time colides... "Damn it Kraven!!!"( scream ) yelled and young man in his 18 teen's. His Silver hair fell in front of his face as he tried to steer his ship. "It might be a battle ship but it can take only so much abuse." he continued to yell in the intercome. ______________ From outside the ship: "Keep your damn pants on... for all oursakes!!!" ( scream ) he said pissed off. An laser gun was stick out of his arm, as it shot meteors out off the way. He too seemed the same age as the young man driving the ship. His hair was black with red highlights, one of his eyes could be seen it was the color purple. "CAN'T YOU SHOOT FASTER!!!" yelled the young man on the intercome again. "MAYBE I SHOULD JUST LET THE SHIP GET DESTROYED!!! IT'S NOT LIKE I NEED OXYGEN, SCIENX" yelled Kraven to the driver. "I swear I'll turn the defence system on you if you abadon us... you damn android" ( stressed ) he threanted. Kraven just rolled his eyes ( mad ). "Like I haven't heard that before..." a meteor hit the ship from the side as the two arrgued. "WAY TO GO, KRAVEN" yelled Scienx( scream ) sarcastacly(sp?). All of the sudden a female voice could be heard on the intercom. "Hi, Kraven!!! having fun with the mettys (meteors)" She sounded hyper ( 4laugh ) "Oh no..." Kraven said under his breath ( mad ) on the inside he was more like ( gonk ) horrorfied to hear her. "Kiona, calm down... I want to live!!!" yelled Scienx was mortified ( gonk ) A cat girl was on the screen she had purple hair and green eyes. And a collar with a bell on it. "Aww... relax I'm not going to do anything... Brainy" talking to Scienx. The ship shook oddly suddenly. "Though I can't garantee any thing from Samantha" she said laughing nervously ( sweatdrop , 4laugh , sweatdrop ) Kraven and Scienx -------------> eek eek gonk gonk "Crap!!!" they both said in unison. "What the hell did you do Sam?!" yelled Scienx. Another cat girl appeard on a holo-screen, she had black short hair with purple hightlights and green eyes as well. "Ummm... I saw this pretty button it was bright red, and- and- I couldn't resist" ( crying ) Kraven -------> stare Scienx -------> gonk Kiona --------> sweatdrop "The ship is going to self-destruct, isn't it...?" said ( stare ) Kraven on top of the ship. "Oh no... this ship doesn't have that function..." he said, but his voice sounded like something worse was going to happen. ( stare ) "So..." Kraven said neutral . "what was it?" "The time machine, that we where delivering." stare sweatdrop "You've got to be kidding me..." mad stare said Kraven. A portal opened in the middle of space and started to suck everything like a black hole. Kraven was sucked off the ship, and pulled in to the portal to the unknown. ____________________________________________________________________ Inside the ship... "We are doomed" said Scienx ------> stare Kiona -----> sweatdrop "I'm sorry.... crying " said Sam. ____________________________________________________________________ End of Chapter... (Short I know... but that way it's better so I don't get writer's block.) Though I doubt anyone will read it... sweatdrop Oh well, I'll get to writting chapter two as soon as possible. ____________________________________________________________________ Read the before chapter. Samantha DiContalessa · Sat Jan 14, 2006 @ 11:00pm · 2 Comments


Samantha DiContalessa Community Member «Prev \| Next» Archive \| Home [03/30/09 07:25pm] [09/05/07 02:11pm] [08/03/07 10:54pm] [09/03/06 01:57am] [07/28/06 05:34am] [07/10/06 11:29pm] [07/01/06 10:34pm] [06/16/06 02:46pm] [06/08/06 07:31pm] [05/18/06 08:58pm]

	User Comments: [2]
	User Comments: [2]


	Uh....wow... Well, it's as much a work of art as a story isn't it? My advice - cut the emotacons. It really stops people taking you seriously. In consideration that it's the first story you've published on Gaia, well done. shakes hand Your dialouge was very well written, and only needs a little bit of work .And the concept is good as well. If you want more comments - post the story in the thread (without the emotacons) Alright, firstly, there's too much shouting at the begining, and it takes away from you instantly getting into the story. As it's a first chapter, I thought it might explain what a bunch of teenagers are doing driving a ship, and why there are a pair of unskilled females also and the ship, and why there's a time machine on the ship, but that's exposition, and can wait until chapter two, as long as it as adressed (in an active manner) at some point. You seem to only have two personalities for four characters, the two male, and two female characters seeming identical in everything but name. Give your characters more defining characteristics. Make your description active. Not a huge problem - mainly only effects your initial descriptions of the two male characters. That's about that. Over all, it's fairly good, and I would like to read the next chapter. Offline wasted_dawn · Community Member · Sun Jan 15, 2006 @ 12:05am


	Oh yeah: Quote: on the inside he was more like horrorfied to hear her. Problem with this sentance. No likes please. If you want to say he felt horrified, do it more subtly. Offline wasted_dawn · Community Member · Sun Jan 15, 2006 @ 12:07am

	User Comments: [2]
	User Comments: [2]

Offline

User Image

More Information

© Copyright 2003 - 2024 Gaia Interactive, Inc. All Rights Reserved.