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Uhmmm neutral
Okay since where I last left you unexisting readers, I was moneyless and starving, well that's changed, I have money and I'm not starving, so all is well. all is well OR ******** IS IT no its bloody not, nothing is well, everything is wrong, everything is ******** wrong and i'm mad about it! oh not just mad, words cannot possibly describe all my loathing to everything that it is!!
RAGE
Seriously, I'm through trying to describe all my feelings through words, if I could do that, I would be a writer and write books and novels, but since I can't express myself fully with words I'm a comic artist something person. But even that I can't express my emotions and myself fully with pictures! Because I'm not as good as any other comic artist! But that's not the point, I enjoy drawing just as I do and all the special detail shadow ******** can bite me, even though I totally despise them and secretly wish I could be like them but whatever. I'll try well enough to write a part of my feelings to this journal place. Not like I'm expecting anyone to read this, Not like I'm writing this for anyone, but I guess anyone who might actually come to the insanely impossible chance of reading this isn't going to care, you'll all just say "oh he's at it again" well ******** you! Anyway. I still love you, even though you completely resent me. SO! Onwards with my feelings and loathing thoughts towards this god forsaken world. I have stumbled upon a certain array of people in my life that just don't deserve to live. Life is terribly unfair and people like that are completely blind, unfixable, cannot be un-dumbed, cannot be un-stupided, they are how they are and how they are is unworthy of being alive. I'm not sure if it's up to me to make these life and death and worthyness decisions but I'm doing it anyway. That doesn't mean I decide everyone's worth but the only and first thing that comes to my mind when I trip over these idiots is death, simply death, it's the first thing that comes to my mind, and not in a joking, funny kind of a way, I sincerely start to think that Omg, this cannot be true, It has to be a joke, noone is that stupid, and for a moment it already starts looking like it's all just some intelligent individual making fun out of himself and being intentionally harrasive, but hell no, it never is so, it turns out that they are indeed such horrible mindless blind ******** that my mind just boils. And here I am now, hiding away from all these people in Servo, the dancers HQ, there's no stupid individuals around here. maybe outside the windows, but I don't know those finnish people and let it stay that way. For example! One super great example of these ohgodveryhorrible individuals ( No, they're not even human ) is my roommate. For those of you ( that are reading this and don't really exist ) that don't know who he is or why I'm mad at him, well let me tell you. He's from Pakistan, he's something over 20, he's Muslim (not that it matters to me, but some of you inexistent readers might be racist and join me in hating him, or not, or whatever, whatever.) and he makes me want to die. He makes me so sad, he makes me lose all the hope for humanity (him and all of the others like-him idiots) Because I cannot just believe how someone like that can even exist, I mean.. UNEXPLAINABLE RAGE, and I don't even see why I should care about these people but it cannot be helped, I rage and I get angry and depressed and it's all even without the slightest of effort. I wish I was doing some drugs, this day would be a perfect day for me being under some substances. But being drunk doesn't help, and I don't take pills or smoke-related s**t, not even close to injections or sniffing or whatever, and coca cola doesn't solve everything.. I'm trapped in this horrible world of sobriety. Uh, but that's not the main issue here, the main thing i'm pissed at these days is him and others like him. ARROGANT, STUPID, BLIND, CLOSED-MINDED... I don't mind if people are casually stupid, don't take me wrong, that's just human, and casually stupid people always have room for improvement or whatever, and I totally get that, and accept it, and I'm not angry at them, they're all just like you and me, but these people are extremes, they cannot see any sense even if it's in front of their faces, they make stupid face expressions and can't speak proper english ( in some cases ) which makes me rage even more because I even get into fights with him because I enrage so much and then when I try to tell him why I'm so angry, after a half an hour of a monologue to him, he doesn't even get half of the things I was saying and then suddenly I rage even more and storm out to scream in the rain. because it was raining and because I don't want to hurt him. Even though I want to hurt him reaaallly baaaad, I don't think I'd be capable of killing another human being, but believe me I think about it veeeery much and very frequently and I'm pretty much an uh..what's the word.. potential! I'm a potential murderer. I guess..But that really doesn't sound like me, I wish harm to a lot of people, but I just can't get myself to the breaking point of hurting them. I'm sure that in cases of me losing it, people would indeed be in a danger around me, and these days I'm getting horribly close to my breaking point, but I'm just too smart for my own good and go out and try to calm down, and it sadly works, I hate it, I would like to go crazy already, but I'm way too sane, and that's one of the things I never thought I'd be complaining about. but whatever, again, not the point. And when I was going through all these mean thoughts in my head in one point today, I came to realize that it can be one of these two things, and whichever one it might be, it ain't good.. Now. Either there's really so much horrible stupid closed minded arrogant idiotic fools around me and I'm forced to hate them all my life, OR I'm a higher being that understands all with a crystal clear mind and just sees and hates more than normal people because they can't view the horror like I do? Each case, I'm not happy. I wouldn't be proud of calling myself more important than other people ( even though I have personal thoughts I might be, but I still wouldn't be proud of it ) because It's just not right, to feel better than everyone else, and I feel guilty of it of even producing such a thought, but hey, it's a chance... And my mind just hurts so very much, to think about these idiots that needs to be killed! Isn't that worrying? Death being my first and only thought about these people? It's not my -natural harm-wishing-self- that brings these thoughts up even! It's completely natural, like breathing! It just seems so logical to just get rid of them and make this place a better one, but then again I don't know if I'm right, I KNOW these individuals are idiotic and don't deserve to live, but then again I might be crazy, but I know I'm not. Oh hate overflowing me, I hate it! I'm so open to bad feelings today! Everything is getting worse.. Day through day I feel more threatened by society's stupidity and..and.. and I don't know what to do, I'm just getting so worked up about it I can't come up with a solution! And why should I? It's not my job.. But who's job is it? I would gladly be someone important and take care of it, but that would just make me Hitler.. OH! biggrin And I got the Dog Eats Dog book and I'm halfway through it already, started reading it today and it starts with a magnificent sentence "Hitler was right." Very promising, dear nonexistent readers, I'd like to uhm..goddamn words.. recommend! I'd like to recommend you some fine books or movies or whatever that comes to my mind while writing the next sentence!
Recommending!
Vojna S Salamandri ( od zizeka, super bukva)
War Of The Worlds ( the old version, ******** remakes. Dunno if there are any, but there surely are some out there and ******** em. read the bloody original. )
Dog Eats Dog (he was right)
Brave New World ( <3 )
I LOVED the brave new world, the book that I had with me all of the time but never read it and i recently finally got on it and I loved it. Read it! and the salamander thing, that's without a doubt also supergreat. Again stupid words can't describe the awesomeness, which is ironical because i'm talking about a book, which is just words. hah. But I guess my beloved nonexistent readers wont mind, will you? no you wont, because you're not there, nor do you care about silly details like this, do you? No you don't, thank you, thank you, what a great audience.
If anyone actually DOES read this under a series of strange circumstances of you ever visiting my profile and even more unlikely going to my journal page
if you DO happen to be here
I love you.
heart
Unless you're one of the people I was just describing. Which isn't very possible since I don't have any of those in my friends list, but I guess I put that here because of the uncertain future that just might bring one of those ******** in my friends list. Oh the 0.0# percentages, screw it.
Love you mrgreen
 Youpine · Sat May 09, 2009 @ 07:42pm · 0 Comments |
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