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To Those Who Actually Read This: ~ 11/6/08 Well. You know I've been having a rather tough year. And everyone does, at one point. For me, I have never had such a hard time. So maybe that's why I feel like such a big baby. I'm learning to deal with new situations. And this journal is my way of letting it all out since I don't have anyone to tell it to. So for the sake of organized thoughts, I'm going to break this down into sections. And there are a ton of typos in this, but I'm not in the mood to go through and fix all of them. So ignore them, please~
People Haha, most of the time I feel like I'm gonna be shot for talking about any of this. XD;; But anyway, I have the right to talk about it. Because it bothers me, and for my own mental sanity I have to talk about it. So here goes. I'm never good at explaining everything I'm feeling, but I'll try. So yeah, this year, I've been having a lot of trouble with people. Like people acting all immature about not liking me. I've heard a bunch of reasons why this one person doesn't like me, and they're all pretty...dumb. Jealousy is one... But anyway I'm passed all of it, I don't care about her at all. But she still acts dumb about it whenever she's around me. Again, I don't know how to explain things well. So this probably sounds like nothing. And then there's other people... And I am NOT going to go on about it here, If you want to know, you can ask and I'll probably tell you. This is for my own sake, lol. But it was really stressful and I'd cry a lot. Like almost every night because I was so stressed out.
Cancer Okay, one morning I woke up at 6 during August to watch tv while everyone was still sleeping. Quiet is good sometimes. :3 Anyways, for some reason my mom comes out fully dressed and grabs the car keys. Naturally, I asked where she was going. And she said to the hospital because my grandpa had a heartattack the night before, they just hadn't told me. So I like WTH. Anyway, during the many times we were in the hospital for him off and on, they said he had cancer. And said that he'd have 5 years at the most to live. So I was really scared... I see my grandparents alllll the time. So you know, we're close. So now I had this worrying me along with the "people problems".
My Sammy Sammy... She was my horse. ;~; Okay, so my junior year of high school started August 25. And I have been having these people problems all summer. So being at school with these people was stressful enough. The 3rd day of school, I woke up feeling really sick, so I had to stay home. At around lunch time, my mom came home from work. She then told me she was worried about me horse. She said that when she went out to feed her that morning before going to work, she was acting weird. So then we both went out to check on her, and she was down. Like on the ground. Which horses don't usually do. So we called the vet, because she looked like a mess. They came, and said she was sick. She wouldn't eat or drink, and her insides were really dried out. So they had to do a bunch of things. That I don't know because they never explained fully to me. But the next day my mom picked me up from school and was strangely quiet. She eventually told me we had to hurry and get home so that I could say goodbye. I just sat there quiet. I've never had anyone or anything die on me before... So you know...how do you know what to do at such short notice? So I got home, and went up to the stable and into the corral. I stood with Sammy for while petting and talking to her. Then the vet came back, and I had to go back into the house while they put her down. I don't think I had ever cried so much before. I still do. =/ I'm still not over it and it's been over a month.
Death Okay, so I'm sitting in my crime science class yesterday, November 5th, taking notes on fiber evidence. It was a perfectly normal day. Then my teacher gives me a call slip from the office saying I had to report there immediately. I was kind of surprised, because there was no reason I could think of that the office would want me for. So I headed down there and my mom comes out. So I thought "Oh, well maybe I have an appointment that I forgot about." So we headed to the car and I asked her where exactly were we going. And she told me that my grandpa was in the hospital because he had a stroke that morning. Oh s**t. So she took me home to watch my brothers while she went to be with my grandma at the hospital. Hours went by, and she hadn't called me like she'd said she would with "updates". I was starting to get a bad feeling. Somehow, I knew it would end that night. I always know things, that's why my grandma says I'm "special". (Corny sounding, probably. But whatever.) Finally, my dad calls. And he says he's going to pick us up to take us to the hospital. He wasn't going to tell me the truth, I knew. So I just told him I already knew it was gonna be over. He never believes me, he doesn't really believe that sort of stuff, But he told me we were going to say goodbye and to get my brothers ready to go. I had already started to cry when the phone rang, but it just got worse after I hung up. For the first time, I knew what people meant when they said your body goes cold and numb. I had to stop crying before I told my brothers to get ready because I didn't want to scare them. So we go, and my grandpa is basically a vegetable connected to life support. For some reason, just seeing him laying there all peaceful was too much for me. I started crying all over again. Most everyone was. My grandma, my mom, my two cousins that were there, my aunt... Anyway... we all stayed in that room for a while. My grandma pulled me over to hold his hand one last time. Aaand I cried again, because I'm a baby. I felt like I was going to faint, my legs were shaking and everything. I couldn't even feel them. So my dad stood behind me thank god. And I am a fainter, I've fainted plenty of times. A few more hours went by... and they made the decision to finally pull the plug. So the nurse comes in to take everything off and hook him up to some medicine that would at least keep him comfortable until he finally died. I was looking at something on the wall, and I heard a gagging noise. So I turned around, and blood was like gushing out of my grandpa's nose and mouth. I never thought I'd see something like that outside of tv. Let alone it being someone I knew. It was like watching a war movie. It was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen... So us younger people left. I stayed with my brothers in the waiting room for a while... Then my cousin came out and told me that it was finally done. He had died at 9:51 pm. Eventually everyone came out, and we got ready to leave. I asked my mom if she knew what time it was at the moment, and she got all pissed at me. So I said I would just look at her phone then, and she got even angrier. I thought it was because of the situation, and it irritated me because she acted like she was the only one who cared. So I said "You know you're not the only one going through this." And she says "Yeah well you really make it seem like it." WTF. I had been crying the whole time. The reason I wanted the phone was because I wanted to know the time so I could think if there'd be any of my friends online to talk to. Anyway, the my cousin asked if she could take me home with her. And my mom goes " No, I wouldn't mind at all" in a nasty, mean tone. That hurt me, it really did. I mean I understand that this was a horrible situation, but that was completely uncalled for. So I just left them, and left the hospital on my own and sat on a curb outside for a while. So that was my night last night... Just lovely. My grandpa died, and my mom said she didn't want me. (She probably didn't mean it... But I have a problem to where I think that people don't want me. So that was...very nice.)
Overall Yeah... So I've been living a life of never ending bullshit lately. I thought it stopped once school started, but it just alll came back worse than before. I feel so alone. I feel like no one cares. I feel like I'm standing in a room full of people screaming my head off and no one hears me. It all just never stops... I guess I've had a relatively easy life up until now... Who knows. All I know is that I don't know how to deal with any of this... And I don't think I have anyone that will help me.
A Lethal Beauty · Fri Nov 07, 2008 @ 12:30am · 1 Comments |
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