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This is actually something I wrote in my Social Studies notebook the other day... I dunno why I'm posting it here, exactly. I guess it's because I don't feel like my feelings are really let out unless I type it out. And right now I'm lonely, it's dark and raining... and I haven't been the best person all week. So heck, I think now's a good time to type this and hope that everything would be even just a little better after...
Aww. Crap.
Here I am again.
12:00 MN, and I haven't studied. As usual. I dunno, it all feels so hopeless. I never remember anything anyway. Even if I tried to. Is it my fault my memory sucks the s**t outta me? @___@ I'm already so tired... :'( UGH.
Everything I try to remember, I don't.
wow.
That's REAL convenient.
Could I ever be the best anyway?
There will always be someone pushing me down, why bother climbing? I'd rather be nothing than second place D:
It still hurts sometimes, though.
Everything I seem to do will FAIL.
Why bother trying and hurting myself?!
Because I need to, that's why. I understand much more than I ever wished I did. Like this.
I KNOW I should try.
Although I feel weak, who am I to complain? I must be the one responsible for my own misery, anyway. It's not like there's anyone to actually make me sad because I hurt everyone's feelings once again.
Sometimes, I think it's a wonder why my friends still put up with me. As if there is anything so special about me. Everyone encourages the youth like me that we're something more than we are. What if it was all a lie to make us feel better? What is they feel sorry for our insecurities and loneliness enough for them to make false crap about us?
About me?
I wouldn't want false happiness.
Sure, it would make me feel better, maybe several times, but I'd rather die of sadness
False happiness is like false hope.
I don't want to put everything to something I doubt exists! That would be letting my guard down sad
..But I don't know... It's hard keeping your chin high all the time... especially when you're ashamed of yourself.
When you can't stand looking at yourself anymore because of the many people you're hurting. And the worse part is that you have a hard time not hurting people with your stupid, insensitive words.
Sometimes, I wish I could take the hurtful words I say to people, back.
They don't deserve some of the things I THINK about them. That's right. Thinking about them in a wrong manner already upsets my conscience. It must be crazy since people like my friends would think that I am always too distant... when all I try to do is help myself from saying things which I don't want said, and I'm already battling with myself in my mind...
I hate the way I could be either obnoxious or insensitive to what people feel... I just don't like spoon feeding people with what I know they would like to hear neutral
Call me selfish, I don't like giving away compliments very much because I don't think I'm the whole 'touchy-feely' kind. With my friends, that is.
I don't enjoy friendly advices or the whole 'best friends forever' concept. I know nothing lasts forever... definitely not friendship.
I mean, sure. I have nothing against my current friends, they're great. But I've never felt something in my whole life that I thought would last forever, because nothing does.
FOREVER.
What is it, really? Isn't it just a measure of time?
Sure, forever would sound great in one of those cheap lines. I'm not sure what I think about it anymore... I'm so unsure. Being in a country like the Philippines where everyone is beautiful and everyone belongs somewhere, where do I stand?
I'm no where near belonging anywhere here.
Let's face it and get back to reality.
In the real world, things are cruel... after school in CSR, I'd probably be in college.
I'm kind of hoping for it not to be here. I'd miss everything, maybe even everyone- from the smiles people greet me with in the morning, to the beautiful view I'd never forget... but no.
Other people are just too lucky in life.
Being in their own country, being where they're actually supposed to be I could never imagine the overwhelming feeling of actually being in a place you could settle in. Belonging in a high school full of fun people your kind... going to a college which will lead you to a definite job where you know you are; where you're supposed to be. Imagine finding love in the place you're in now. It's amazing, just thinking about it... and other people take it for granted because they don't know how much it would make them happy if they were me.
Because me is the opposite.
I don't live where I belong, because that's impossible. Since I practically don't belong anywhere. I'll go to college, then what? New people to start with? Then? Move abroad? I'm afraid I'll be too attached even if I didn't belong anywhere, I'd find my own little way to cling on to something.
False hope.
I dislike it.
Yet it continues.
 Moonlight_Dancero9 · Sat Oct 04, 2008 @ 11:54am · 2 Comments |
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