Why am I dreaming of my ex? and why was it so incredibly intimate?
There was a lot of blush worthy things that happened and he seemed to have a ton of stamina and then I asked him to drive me home but that was a three hour drive/three hour tour? from where he lives. why is three so prevalent here? I should look it up. It would be a longer drive in reality that I know.
I question so many times why is it that I still feel so drawn to someone when the best thing I can do is just walk away and forget all about him? It is not a situation I want to be in, he has no intention of changing. . .anything frankly. I do not think it is because I am lonely, I have had ample opportunity to hook up with someone else if I choose but I chose not to. Is it because I am using him as an excuse not to get close to anyone? That I know it'll never work? Is that why I am still so into him because I know we could never love eachother as I would want it to be? Things are still so very complicated and I keep getting tarot readings that my heart is closed off.
Maybe its just better that it stays closed this time. He kind of always knew I would be willing to sacrifice that part anyway for my own important reasons anyway. But I do wonder at times if maybe we are just tied due to all of our secrets together, mine. . . and his. Is that why I am still haunted by him? because even when he was completely pissed off at me and hated my guts he never betrayed me? I find a certain amount of honor in that and I think that is one of the main reasons why I find him such a good man. Or would anyone have done that and I just had a bunch of shitheads in my past that would betray me in a new york minute?
If he did not care at all he would have sold me out, right? but I still feel that its for the best if I just did my very best to get over how I feel. . . . just. . . . .how do you get over loving someone when you know neither of you are good for the other at all?
Maybe when I am stronger I can talk to him again but for now I plan to stick to other sites. I won't have to suffer forever, I know that but I do need some time.
 Jayce Reinhardt · Fri Aug 29, 2008 @ 04:34am · 0 Comments |
