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Moar family crap. (And general why-my-life-sucks crap) |
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Ignoring every
t e m p t a t i o n...
And today I have stumbled upon realization that my life, frequently now-a-days, sucks very muchly so. I'm in decent mood at the moment but earlier I was bawling eyes out because of another fight between my mom and my brother. One which resulted in my brother thinking he was being kicked out of the house. I don't know exactly is going to happen, or whether he will return or not. He's at a rehearsal, so he has a place to be at the moment, but he has no place to live and no job. So that is taking it's toll on everyone in the family. Well, mainly my mom and I.
School has recently become my favorite place to be because I have friends there and I don't have to worry about incredibly bad news at school. I have also recently realized that if not for my friends I would probably be insane and might have an illegal addiction or two. Like, seriously. I really don't like my family right now. I'm just happy this crap didn't happen in my childhood, when I was vulnerable and had no more than two or three friends because if it did I would be a verrryyyy messed up person. And I am naturally a messed up person (Not in a bad way, more in a holy-hell-is-any-of-my-life-real way.) so chances are my life would really suck and I'd be in counseling or something. If this crap happened in my childhood.
At the moment, although I am in a better mood than earlier, I'm feeling pretty apathetic. Might be the heat, but I don't think so. This week has really sucked, and I don't there's been a single day where there hasn't been a fight between my mom and brother or my mom and dad. Or both going on at the same time. I guess my family doesn't have very compatible personalities or something. Except me, I seem to be pretty agreeable. After, I'm not the one getting into arguments. I just want to keep the peace. However, my attempts never seem to work. Usually, any attempt to clarify what someone said (Because my mom is very defensive most of the time and misunderstands what people say and brother thinks he's the only one who's got a good point usually) ends up in a "Shut up Penny!" or "Who asked you?" or something like that. I don't know why I keep trying. I just want peace, I guess. Again, it's days like these that make me treasure my friends, mainly IRL but online too, very much so. You guys don't think my opinion is totally irrelevant. You guys aren't ingesting illegal substances in any manner or drinking. You guys rock very much, and I love you all dearly.
Oh, and speaking of friends, my "best friend"? Last time she spent the night, about 90% of the time she was talking to her boyfriend or on her cell phone or waiting for her cell phone to ring or text messaging. I felt sort of used, the last time she came over. She doesn't have nice things like speedy internet or a PS2 with a crap load of PS2 games. And since she barely interacted with me at all, I'm starting think that I am being used. She's also added to the list of reasons why I don't want a cell phone or a myspace. It reaaallly sucks because I met her when I was in first or second grade. But even then, I was paranoid about her using me because I have awesome game consoles and internet. I wish I had met my current friends earlier, because now I realize that I would rather trust my life with them than I would my best friend. Whom I've known for seven or eight years. As opposed to my current friends, who, at the longest, I've known for four or five years.
Typing this up I realized something. A good chunk of the things I hate or dislike or am never going to do are on my hate or dislike or never going to do list because of other people. For example, today I made a vow to do my absolute best to never drink (alcohol, that is) or smoke (Anything, including cigarettes) in my entire life time. Sure, I was never going to go out and get drunk before, but today I made an actual vow. Really, I'm tempted to write out the oath in blood!
Recently, specifically today, I've been having arrogant thoughts. I keep wondering how other people would handle the situation and realize that I probably am holding up a thousand times better than they ever would. Like not giving in to the "temptation" to try drugs or drink. I also think I'm being incredibly optimistic, mainly in an attempt to prevent self-loathing. Things like, "Well, I don't have the worst situation in the world. At least my parents aren't abusive drunks or something like that." and along that line. All I keep thinking my situation could get worse. But today, a little voice popped up and said, "Dude. I think you should allow yourself some leeway on that. I mean, your situation isn't very good at the moment." It's odd to have thoughts like that, because usually after a bit of self-loathing I think I'm pathetic for going all emo over my "minor" situation. I'm generally a pretty humble person I think, although I often act horribly arrogant for comic relief, and I'm not very argumentative either. I know when some comments are better left unsaid and I don't lash out with sarcasm and wit as much as I could. Those things are a whole boatload of things that neither my dad nor my brother could even begin to say. I have faults, but nothing too awful such as being too defensive (Such as my mom) or too much of a smart a** (Like my dad) or too argumentative (Like zee brother).
Today I think I just gained a bit of MPD. Simply typing those things or thinking them brings up an argument in my head. "Oh, and you're so modest, too." "Weell. I put up with a lot of crap. Seriously. I think I'm allowed to show a bit of arrogance for one day." "Mm. Sure, but have you heard what you've been thinking lately? You aren't really humble at all." "Please. Shut up. I usually am a wonderfully humble saint so I think I deserve a day off." Or something like that. At any rate, as expected, writing this has helped me clear up my thoughts and feelings and feel a bit of acceptance towards my situation. Once again, I love you very much, my friends, and I will forever rely upon your acceptance and help. I imagine sometime I'll bring you guys something like pocky and share it with you. Also, kudos if you actually made it through all off this depressing crap that I felt like typing up. I would probably die or want to kill myself without you guys, so thanks. heart
Only to destroy my sanity
 dalia salvd · Fri Aug 15, 2008 @ 04:27am · 0 Comments |
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