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If you're not blind (to my friends at school) |
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All three of you know nothing. I shall use different names than usual, ones that they can recognize. This is for them to know. You know who you are.
Alis. I know you don't trust me. I know who the short blonde is!! Do you think I can't tell that you don't trust me? Or do you hate me? You probably won't even read this. Maybe no one will. Why didn't you tell me in some other way? Alis, you didn't have to tell me in stories like that. I've read them. I understand. I'm not trying to take her from you. If you need me to, I'll let go. If you need me to, I'll stop being with her. Is that what you want? Do you just want me to stop being her friend? Do you think I'm pulling her away from you? You make it sound like she trusts me more than you. Do you really believe that?! She doesn't trust me. At all. You know who I'm talking about, don't pretend not to!! Trust me. Or don't. But I have to tell you. You need to understand. She might not even like me. She doesn't trust me at all. She'll act like it, she always does, but I can see through her. Her shell may make her seem like she trusts me, as much as yours makes you look happy, if not more. But I'm speaking to you as another that isn't trusted. I know. She doesn't trust me at all. Please, listen. Believe me. I know you're angry. But don't be fooled by her anymore.
Emma. You know who I was talking about when I spoke to Alis. You know I mean you. Yes, I know you don't trust me. Don't bother pretending to! Don't you realize? While you pretend to trust me, you're hurting Alis! But you never noticed, did you? Or, wait. Maybe you did. Stop pretending. Is this just to show off your skill as an actress? Because let me tell you, you're wrong. I can see it. Alis is hurting. You've known her since kindergarden, remember that? Not me! You've only known me for about two years! Don't pretend anymore, please. It's painful to watch. It's painful to experience. You're hurting people lie by lie. Stop. I swear, Emma, I won't let you hurt people anymore. Just stop. Before it gets any worse.
Sammy. I'll not criticize you. Even though you can't read this, not being on Gaia and all, I'm sure Alis or Emma will send this o you. Alis, if you're reading this part, could you please do the honors? Now, Sammy. I have a question. Why do you yell at people like you do? Like Santiago, or Alok. Why do you do that? No, maybe a better question is required. Why don't you? I'm so happy for you, Sammy. You did one of the things I wish I could do someday. I like to pretend that I can help people. Did you really think I could? Think carefully. Can you really remember a single time I've hugged you to comfort you? All I can remember is hugging you for fun, or when you were comforting me. Remember that day at the park? When Emma wasn't there? It was near the end of the school year. Remember? You, Alis and I were sitting beside a tree. People kept on bothering us with cameras. I was hitting some people, remember that? When I yelled at people, screaming that I wasn't the freak they though I was, you were the one to hold me then. You held me, you comforted me, you whispered that everything was going to be alright. Were you crying? I can't really remember whether or not you were. And remember on the way there? Santiago was bugging you. You were trying to avoid him. I was the one to tell him to shut the f**k up. I hit him on the arm. Or was that someone else? Can't remember, I just know it was a boy and it was a creep. But I hit him. Gently. Not nearly as hard as I did to the ones bothering me. I hit the ones bugging me a lot harder than I hit the one bugging you. What does that say about me? But you, you didn't say anything. Until they were bugging Alis and I. When they began to bother Alis and I, you were the one to yell at them. You were more protective than I was. What does that say about me? You're better than I am, Sammy. You're lucky.
While I'm at it, Julia. God, so much to say. There's something you never noticed when you were with me. What do you think it was? Think back. I was walking with Emma, like always. We were talking. I was smiling. So was she. But for some reason, my smile was the slightest bit dark. Then I remember. I look up. I hear your yell, and I see you running. Did you notice? My smile brightened, didn't it? Did you ever notice that? Hey, remember the whole issue with me yelling (online, anyway) that I missed you like crazy? I didn't say anything like that to Alis. That's all I'll say on the matter. I'll leave the rest of the figuring up to you.
I really hope all four of you read this. Please understand. I never wanted to hurt any of you. I just had to tell you how much I was hurting, how I still am, and understand why I couldn't tell you in person. Put yourself in my place, then try to tell me you would've spoken face-to-face.
 FN Pixie · Mon Aug 11, 2008 @ 06:10pm · 1 Comments |
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