hey...
I'm kinda bummed right now. every time i try to close my eyes and sleep i see my mom's face and i start to cry. as if insomnia wasn't enough of a problem. rolleyes i think i'll spend some time writing to try and get my feelings out, i've never tried it before and i'm hoping it'll work. if not i can always bore myself to sleep working on homework. and no it's not summer school(well yea sorta but not really). being the gun ho student that i am rofl i decided to take a compressed 7 week college course to get a jump start on the whole shabang. which is probably a good idea cause i was stupid enough to think it was a good idea so maybe i can get some brains into the area above my eyes. the real estate market is so bad right now that no one wants to lease up there. i had some marbles up there in storage but i lost them. if anyone finds them let me know.
today was trying.
dad tried to wake me up for church.
i tried to pretend him trying to wake me up was a bad dream.
then he gave up trying and went with my sis to church.
then we tried to have a calm sudo-spring cleaning event to prepare for the cleaning ladies?
doesn't it seem a little bit like a paradox that i have to clean my room so that the cleaning lady can do it the next day on a paycheck?
ANYONE???
anyways there was the regular yelling from dad at laura, laura at dad, redirected anger from dad to me, then me to dad, then laura says something to piss me off so the anger bounces to her and etcetera etcetera and so forth.
it's like a bizzaro three way tennis game of hurtful feelings and future hours in therapy.
then we went to tata and sidi's house and for an hour we pretended to be normal civilized people while we ate...and then we went back home to start yelling at each other all over again.
my idea was that we all get our respective books, sit in the same room, and read
still family togetherness but it didn't run the risk of actual communication which usually leads to more yelling
it went well, dad fell asleep with his book so i got him headed to bed, and tucked laura in.
now i'm sitting in my room at 11pm typing to a world of virtual people because i:
*cut ties with my therapist(finally)
*can never really talk to dad in a way that makes me feel he will remember what was said(forgetfullness runs in the family)
*or talk to my sister(she's only 11 and thinks deep and meaningful conversations involve what her idiot friends are doing)
*or my mom(well i can but she won't talk back cause she's...well...dead
*can talk to my dog but it really doesn't help as much as people would think(this isn't a cartoon, he can't actually talk)
*i only have one friend my age and whenever i take a breathe of air to talk about my feelings she leaps in with what her latest drama is, because her life is clearly more important to talk about than mine.
*have no bf(face it, i never go out, i went to an all girls school and i weigh about 250lbs, i'm like an emo godzilla)
*complain a lot(if u don't believe me look above, that's a hell of a lot of bitching i just did right there)
i just can't wait for something to happen to show me that life truly is worthwhile outside the pages of my books.
until then i'm staying inside
o well
life moves on
ema
PS
i've discovered that playing As Long as Your Mine, and I'm not that Girl from Wicked over and over again thoroughly depresses me. for some reason i've been doing this for over an hour. i have some serious problems
EDIT:
i just sent this journal entry to my dad with an explanation. i hope it turns out ok
The Ink Alchemist Community Member 
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