Hm...
Last night I was thinking about this before I went to sleep.
There's this certain aspect of myself that I would like to change...
But this aspect of myself is only there because of the environment I grew up in.
To simply put it, I have Arrhenphobia, or in other words, a fear of men.
I have this phobia simply because while I was growing,
My father was never close to me and the boys at school would bully me.
It sounds like a lame excuse but...
never having any real interaction with males for the vast majority of my childhood
and then having them hurt me emotionally and sometimes physically.
On top of that, I was raised in an very typical Asian styled family
So while growing up, because I was female (and because I am part white)
I'm always treated with little respect
And was put under the impression that females are the weaker gender.
For the majority of my life, yeah, I spent it in a lot fear of guys...
Then finally I moved and had to go to a new school
And naturally I thought this as a time where I could change myself.
But I don't think it turned out for the best.
I became somewhat of a man-hater.
I wouldn't put up with guys treating me poorly.
And to put it quite simply,
I would try to beat them up if they did (literally).
Though for the first time in many years,
I was able to make friends of the male gender.
I finally was able to even myself out in high school.
I wasn't so hateful anymore, but then I kind of developed a new fear
which was pretty infamous among all my friends.
You see, I learned how sexual intercourse really worked
(somehow, the last bazillion years of elementary school manged to mislead me on the subject)
And it kinda freaked me out.
So yeah, I developed what my friends liked to call "p***s-phobia".
Anyway, that's sorted out now, so I'm doing even better with males then used to.
But still there are many things about me that I wish I could overcome.
One being my shyness.
If I'm unfamiliar with a guy, I tend to more shy, more quiet and in I don't like making a lot of physical interactions.
Though if I have known one for a good while, I'm quite the opposite and I can feel a lot more natural around them.
But it's a bit frustrating...
I don't want to be shy like that :/
Two being my competitiveness.
Because I was always under the impression that girls were the weaker gender,
and I simply HATE feeling that way (weaker),
So I'm a lot more competitive with guys; especially in video games.
And I've had way too many guy friends who are determined that they can play video games better than me,
so it's only pushed me to be extremely competitive...
But that's something I'd like to push aside
because I know men have their pride
and there are a lot of my guy friends who AREN'T competitive with video games,
And I don't want whether or not I can play video games better then they can to be push them away...
Since I know I like to show off a little once in a while...
There are probably a few other things I think I missing...
Like I still think I'm a bit of a boy bully sometimes...
But yeah...
orz
Last night I was thinking about this before I went to sleep.
There's this certain aspect of myself that I would like to change...
But this aspect of myself is only there because of the environment I grew up in.
To simply put it, I have Arrhenphobia, or in other words, a fear of men.
I have this phobia simply because while I was growing,
My father was never close to me and the boys at school would bully me.
It sounds like a lame excuse but...
never having any real interaction with males for the vast majority of my childhood
and then having them hurt me emotionally and sometimes physically.
On top of that, I was raised in an very typical Asian styled family
So while growing up, because I was female (and because I am part white)
I'm always treated with little respect
And was put under the impression that females are the weaker gender.
For the majority of my life, yeah, I spent it in a lot fear of guys...
Then finally I moved and had to go to a new school
And naturally I thought this as a time where I could change myself.
But I don't think it turned out for the best.
I became somewhat of a man-hater.
I wouldn't put up with guys treating me poorly.
And to put it quite simply,
I would try to beat them up if they did (literally).
Though for the first time in many years,
I was able to make friends of the male gender.
I finally was able to even myself out in high school.
I wasn't so hateful anymore, but then I kind of developed a new fear
which was pretty infamous among all my friends.
You see, I learned how sexual intercourse really worked
(somehow, the last bazillion years of elementary school manged to mislead me on the subject)
And it kinda freaked me out.
So yeah, I developed what my friends liked to call "p***s-phobia".
Anyway, that's sorted out now, so I'm doing even better with males then used to.
But still there are many things about me that I wish I could overcome.
One being my shyness.
If I'm unfamiliar with a guy, I tend to more shy, more quiet and in I don't like making a lot of physical interactions.
Though if I have known one for a good while, I'm quite the opposite and I can feel a lot more natural around them.
But it's a bit frustrating...
I don't want to be shy like that :/
Two being my competitiveness.
Because I was always under the impression that girls were the weaker gender,
and I simply HATE feeling that way (weaker),
So I'm a lot more competitive with guys; especially in video games.
And I've had way too many guy friends who are determined that they can play video games better than me,
so it's only pushed me to be extremely competitive...
But that's something I'd like to push aside
because I know men have their pride
and there are a lot of my guy friends who AREN'T competitive with video games,
And I don't want whether or not I can play video games better then they can to be push them away...
Since I know I like to show off a little once in a while...
There are probably a few other things I think I missing...
Like I still think I'm a bit of a boy bully sometimes...
But yeah...
orz
