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(( wahmbulance No warnings. Could care less. Shut the ******** up. Go away. wahmbulance ))
Sitting on a burgandy sofa in the middle of the room. A slightly older man sits behind his desk with a pad of paper and pen in hand. I stare at the far window that seemed to show me the city of New York. I have placed myself here. And I wonder if I would it would hurt to drop ten stories onto the pavement below.
"You're here to express your feelings. Something has been bothering you and people would like to know why. Care to share?"
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I tend to find things easier said when I am blind to everything around me. I kinda wish I brought my Ipod with me.
"I'm not sure what to say. A few things have happened over a short period of time and it feels like I'm losing control of the situation."
"Dear, how can you lose something you've never had?"
". . . . I don't know. I mean, I thought I had control or at least some kind of power to prevent all this from happening. My sole and only purpose in life, the thing that keeps me sane, is to make people smile and laugh. But it always turns out that I'm doing the opposite."
"Have any examples?"
"Well. It started with ****. A friend in Lousiville. We were cool and having our usual banter about anime on Myspace. This particluar conversation has been going on for about a week, changing here and there. Then suddenly I get this PM that his father is rediagnosed with lung cancer and he doesn't speak to me for about a month."
"You had no control over that. How is that your fault?"
"That's not the only one. ******** is no longer coming to school. She dropped out and now I have no one to talk to. We would amke jokes about everything and anything. 'How to kill people, zombie plans, racist and prejudice slurs, anime porn, tv shows, holiday inventions, wise cracks about people's mamas,' Everything! And now she's gone and all I have are the weepies about how everyone misses her. I know people miss her because I miss her. But I don't need to hear about it!"
"Another thing you couldn't control."
"Then why don't I have another friend to replace her with?"
". . . ."
"Then there was this recent Halo Tounrament at school. Barely planned out but I go anyways with ****. But instead of focusing on the head shots and frag greandes, he gets phone calls from his ex and then he goes all emo on me. I left early because I didn't want to deal with it."
"I'm seeing a pattern. And it's not you. People just seem to have more hectic lives than you. None of these are your fault."
"Then why is it always around me? How come I can't find a person, that is a friend, that is like me. Care free, okay grades, can deal with life by just ignoring the phone calls? Why do people want to make their lives so ******** complicated?!"
"It's the way they are. Their life is complicated because they make it so."
"So am I doomed to just sit here for the rest of my life, caring about no one but me?"
"If you make it so. Any other problems?"
"I'm having.... Those doubts again."
"People doubts or life doubts?"
"Both but recently people doubts. Like I want to cut all ties to my friends and just be alone from now on. No more going online, no more eating with friends, going over to people's houses, or stuff like that."
"We've been over this before. Secluding yourself will only lead to your downfall."
"But what if I don't care? What if I want to meet my downfall head on? I mean, if getting drunk and hurting myself is all life has to offer than I rather be dead."
"But what about the people around you? You're not only condeming yourself but your friends and family as well."
"What friends and family? I doubt they could care less. Like you said earlier, they're too wrapped up in their own little lives to give a damn about me. I'll just be another page in the diary of some emo kid. And my family? My sister would be glad to have me gone. My Mom wouldn't have to worry about me anymore and my Dad won't have to worry about how to pay my college!"
"I feel stress aimed toward your family."
"That's all he cares about! How he's going to make enough money for college when I can just graduate and just get a ******** job! I don't ned college but instead he's pushing me towards it and then complains about how we don't have the money. Who the ******** does that?!"
"Anything else you'd like to get off your chest before we end this session."
"Yeah. Would everyone that I DON'T know shut the ******** up and quit talking to me! I mean, seriously! If I don't know you, why the hell are you talking to me? Why are you lecturing me about life and how alcohol is bad for me, that the lord is my savior, and that I'm just being pissy! If that's true, then you have nothing to say here! Just go the ******** away and read someone else's journal! For ******** sake! I' serious. I'm fed up with all these PMs from people I know and random n00bs! That's the reason that's going to make me end up quiting Gaia!
'Then why post this horrible stuff if you don't want peoplt to read it?'
I WANT people to READ it! That's the only way I'll feel good later! Writing in some stupid diary no one will ever read is so pointless! I write my feelings in blogs and and journals so I can let this stuff go! Doesn't mean you have to comment s**t about it!"
"Feeling better?"
"A little.... Feel like I'm forgetting something."
"Throwing yourself out the window?"
"Oh yeah. Thanks."
 SikFox · Sat Nov 03, 2007 @ 03:43pm · 5 Comments |
