I'm just going to make a random blot of thoughts here, because I've found a few more things to think about.
For one, I went through a journal today, and I have to process it. Hm...
Another thing, I'm going to see my best friend in 5 days, and I'm hoping I'll find her well.
Then, this other friend is leaving and at the Going Away party yesterday, it hit me a tad harder than I expected.
And another pair of my friends, who are dating, are having troubles, it seems, and it's all very complex, because if they don't date anymore than I'm not sure where that'll leave me, because only one of us is the glue, really. At the worst, I'd have no friends. Optimistically, I'd have one good friend and an occasional acquaintance to wave at in the halls. But on the other hand, if they do keep dating, then I'll be stuck as a perpetual third wheel, and even if that's not immediately lonely, the feeling is still there, and it's sneakier than blatant loneliness.
And with all of the above in account, I'll be graduating in a year, going off to some prestigious college away from all that has ever or will ever be home, as I know it now, and then after four years I'll be an officer in the Navy (if all goes according to plan, that is).
The cherry on top, of course, would be the inevitability of my worst fear, but...
And the pressure to get through my senior year in the first place! Whipped cream, I guess. Four AP classes, band, private lessons, Navy stuff.
It's enough to make me half wish that my application gets rejected, but if that happens, what'll I do about money? I'm smart, but I'm not rich! I couldn't possibly do more than go to an in-state public college, and even that will be costly, unless I get a full ride scholarship, and even considering that... I just don't know. Without that scholarship, the most I could hope for, I think, would be Hendrix. Which wouldn't be bad! There are a lot of good things about going to Hendrix, and I wouldn't worry so much about my worst fear then.
I don't know. Sometimes I think that I have entirely too much planned out, and other times I think that if my plan doesn't work I'll be... clueless, I guess.
But what would you know? You'll go through it soon enough, or you'll be in the same spot, or you'll have gone through it already. Possibly, you'll have skipped it entirely, somehow.
And speaking of that, I have to call my sister sometime. Dad's been bugging me about it these last three days, saying how we should show her we love her and support her in these hard times, but I can't fathom how she would like being embarrassed, though my calling wouldn't exactly make it any worse or less. She knows we know, so... how does it come across, our not calling? Agh...
Anyway, I have homework, which I don't have any real intention of doing at the moment, but since I should, I think I'll end this here, and leave you with knowledge that, despite hard times, I'm a sickeningly optimistic person who finds entirely too much happiness in the present circumstances to be so bothered by the bigger picture, except in moments when I happen to reflect on said picture. Then I just get cross-eyed. mrgreen
So on that note, and with an somewhat-random quote, I depart.
"Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart, don't know how to laugh either." -Goldie Meir
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