Star Trek Quote/Jokes

[Blaze_Inferno]

I could not resist this one. Anyone that is a Star Trek fan probably knows some good jokes or knows some quotes. This thread will be used for jokes that anyone or yourself have used. Also, when you post a quote, name the episode it is from and who said it.  

[Blaze_Inferno]

[I found these off a site. Here are some DS9 Quotes]

Kira: I suppose you want the office.
Sisko: Well, I thought I say hello first and then take the office, but we can do it in any order you like.
Kira: Hello.
Emissary

Sisko to Kira: Go over my head again, and I'll have yours on a platter.
Past Prologue

Jake: Dad, I'm fourteen.
Sisko: I'm glad we agree on something. Go to bed.
Move Along Home

Jake, trying to get out of his homework: Just because you suffered through all that doesn't mean I have to!
Sisko: Yes it does.
The Alternate

Garak: Commander, this is extortion.
Sisko: Hmm... yes, it is.
Second Skin

Sisko: And take those phasers off stun, Chief. No more Mr Nice Guy.
Playing God

Jake: I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you wouldn't understand.
Sisko: So now you're hiding things from me?
Jake: You mean you would have understood?
Sisko: Of course not.
Playing God

Bashir: Try not to yell at any more Admirals for a while.
Sisko: I wasn't "yelling." I was just expressing my opinion loudly.
The Wire

Sisko: If the Dominion comes through the wormhole, the first battle will be fought here. And I intend to be ready for them.
The Jem'Hadar

Sisko: You don't like beets, Doctor?
Bashir: Well, they're not exactly a personal favourite of mine.
Sisko: That's because you haven't had them prepared properly. Beets are a very misunderstood vegetable.
Bashir: Well, I look forward to understanding them better.
Equilibrium

DC: I thought we were on the same side here!
Sisko: We are, but you get on my nerves, and I don't like your hat. Now put the gun down.
Past Tense

Kira: Well, now that you have another pip on your collar, does that mean I can't disagree with you anymore?
Sisko: No. It just means I'm never wrong.
Adversary

Kassidy: Don't get killed.
Sisko: I'll do my best.
The Way of the Warrior

Weyoun: Captain Benjamin Sisko. Your psychological profile is required reading for Vorta Field Supervisors. I probably know things about you that you don't know yourself.
Sisko: If you're trying to impress me, you can forget it.
Weyoun: What would you say if I offered to make you absolute ruler of the Federation? No President, no Starfleet Chief of Staff, just you.
Sisko: I'd say your psychological profile of me isn't as good as you think.
To the Death

Sisko to Jake: It takes courage to look inside yourself, and even more courage to write it for others to see. I'm proud of you, son.
Nor the Battle to the Strong

Sisko: Wait til your son moves out on you!
Jake: I don't have a son.
The Ascent

Ducat: That space station you're so fond of was built by Cardassia.
Sisko: Funny. I thought it was built by Bajoran slave labour.
By Inferno's Light

Sisko: Still calling yourself "Gul"? I'm surprised you haven't promoted yourself back to Legate by now.
Ducat: I prefer the title "Gul." So much more hands-on than Legate, hmmm? And less pretentious than the other alternatives - President, Emperor, First Minister, Emissary...
Sisko: How about "Dominion Puppet"?
Ties of Blood and Water

Sisko: No victory can make this moment any easier for me, and I promise I will not rest until I stand with you again here, in this place where I belong.
Call to Arms

Sisko: One thing is certain: we're losing the peace. Which means a war could be our only hope.
Call to Arms

Weyoun: What is that?
Dukat, holding Sisko's baseball: A message from Sisko.
Weyoun: I don't understand.
Ducat: He's letting me know he'll be back.
Call to Arms  

[Blaze_Inferno]

Odo: I'll never understand the humanoid need to ... couple.
Quark: You've never "coupled"?
Odo: I choose not to. Too many compromises. You want to watch the Karo-Net tournament, she wants to listen to music, so you compromise: you listen to music. You like Earth jazz, she prefers Klingon opera, so you compromise: you listen to Klingon opera. So here you were ready to have a nice night watching the Karo-net match and you wind up spending an agonizing evening listening to Klingon opera.
A Man Alone

Odo: I think I finally figured out what crime you were found guilty of on your homeworld.
Croden: What's that?
Odo: You talk too much.
Vortex

Odo, looking at the shapeshifting pendant: Home - where is it? Someday we'll know - cousin.
Vortex

Odo: It's snowing on the promenade!
If Wishes were Horses

Odo: Procreation does not require changing how you smell, or writing bad poetry, or sacrificing various plants to serve as tokens of affection!
The Forsaken

Lwaxana on Odo: You are the thin beige line between order and chaos.
The Forsaken

Odo: Every sixteenth hour, I turn into a liquid!
Lwaxana: I can swim.
The Forsaken

Dr Mora: You're still having trouble with social integration.
Odo: I integrate as much as I want to.
Dr Mora: Define "as much as I want to."
Odo: "As much as I want to" means "as much as I want to."
The Alternate

Odo I'm a shapeshifter. I just don't do faces very well.
Shadowplay

Odo: You can't just wipe out a civilization. We'd be committing mass murder!
Kira: It's like stepping on ants, Odo!
Odo: I don't step on ants, Major.
Playing God

Odo's response to Chief O'Brien's comment on the Founders' being 'cold-blooded': My people don't have blood, Chief.
The Abandoned

Bashir: I'm sure there's more than one Klingon who thinks that slaying a changeling would be worthy of a song or two.
Odo: Doctor, if a Klingon were to kill me, I'd expect an entire opera on the subject.
Way of the Warrior

Shakaar on Kira: Sometimes I get the sense that maybe, just maybe, she feels the same way. I could be wrong. But I'm afraid to say anything because it might ruin our friendship. But if I don't, I could be letting something very precious slip through my fingers.
Odo, thinking hard: It's a difficult situation.
Shakaar

Weyoun: Your people want you to come home, Odo. No matter what differences you may have with them, no matter what mistakes you may have made, they still love you.
Odo: Well, maybe they do. But I don't love them.
To the Death

Odo: Another glorious chapter of Klingon history. Tell me, do they still sing songs of the great Tribble hunt?
Trials & Tribbleations

Dr Mora: I wasn't even sure you were a life form!
Odo: I wasn't sure about you, either.
The Begotten

Garak to Odo: You're an island of tranquility in a sea of chaos.
Call to Arms  

[-[.Moo.]-]

Data quotes:


"Oh yes! I hate this! It is revolting!"
"More?"
"Please."

- Data and Guinan, during the meeting in Ten-Forward

~


"I just love scanning for lifeforms. (commences singing and tapping on console like a keyboard) Lifeforms... you tiny little lifeforms... you precious little lifeforms... where are you?"

- Data

~

"Oh... s**t!"

- Data, as the saucer is crashing down on Veridian III

~


"Captain, I believe I speak for everyone here when I say, 'To Hell with our orders'."

- Data
~


"I will always be puzzled by the Human predilection for piloting vehicles at unsafe velocities."

- Data
~

"Ode to Spot" by Lieutenant Commander Data

Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued by your subvocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents.
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array,
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

~

Spot. This is down. Down is good.
-Data
~
* Data asks Worf to take care of Spot:

Data: "He will need to be fed once a day. He prefers feline supplement number 125."
Worf: "I understand."
Data: "And he will require water. And you must provide him with a sandbox. And you must talk to him. Tell him he is a pretty cat, and a good cat, and--"
Worf: "I will feed him."
Data: "Perhaps that will be enough."

+==+==+moo+

 

[Lord Redtail Rathan]

-[.Moo.]-

Data quotes:


"Oh yes! I hate this! It is revolting!"
"More?"
"Please."

- Data and Guinan, during the meeting in Ten-Forward

~


"I just love scanning for lifeforms. (commences singing and tapping on console like a keyboard) Lifeforms... you tiny little lifeforms... you precious little lifeforms... where are you?"

- Data

~

"Oh... s**t!"

- Data, as the saucer is crashing down on Veridian III

~


"Captain, I believe I speak for everyone here when I say, 'To Hell with our orders'."

- Data
~


"I will always be puzzled by the Human predilection for piloting vehicles at unsafe velocities."

- Data
~

"Ode to Spot" by Lieutenant Commander Data

Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued by your subvocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents.
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array,
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

~

Spot. This is down. Down is good.
-Data
~
* Data asks Worf to take care of Spot:

Data: "He will need to be fed once a day. He prefers feline supplement number 125."
Worf: "I understand."
Data: "And he will require water. And you must provide him with a sandbox. And you must talk to him. Tell him he is a pretty cat, and a good cat, and--"
Worf: "I will feed him."
Data: "Perhaps that will be enough."

+==+==+moo+

You forgto this:

Picard: "Say goodbye Data."
Data: "Goodbye Data."

And from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier:

Spock: "I am well versed in all the classics Doctor.
McCoy: "Then how come you don't know 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat?'"  

[Blaze_Inferno]

Credit goes to http://www.st-minutiae.com/academy/literature329/ for those transcripts.

------------------------

From the episode: "The Magificient Ferengi

Keevan- I hate the ferengi.
------------
QUARK
(disappointed)
Starfleet has really corrupted you, hasn't it? You can start by getting the external sensors back on-line. I want to know the minute a Dominion ship comes within ten million kilometers of this station.

ROM
I'll set up a transport jamming signal -- that way, the Dominion won't be able to beam our prisoner away without our say-so.

KEEVAN
We certainly wouldn't want that to happen, would we?

LECK
You don't sound too happy at the thought of being reunited with your people.

KEEVAN
Believe me when I tell you I have nothing to be happy about. Vorta
are supposed to commit suicide when they're captured. I failed to follow that rather... harsh policy.

ROM
They're going to execute you?

KEEVAN
After what is surely going to be a most unpleasant debriefing.

QUARK
I'm sorry to hear that, but it's not my problem. All I want is my Moogie back.


KEEVAN
By the time the Dominion is done with you, all you'll want is a quick death.

--------------------------

[From "The die is cast"]

ODO
Garak... I was thinking that... we should have breakfast together... sometime.

GARAK
(surprised)
Why, Constable... I thought you didn't eat.

ODO
I don't.
-----------------------
[From the episode "To the death" from DS9]

WEYOUN
Omet'iklan, control your men.These people saved our lives.

OMET'IKLAN
And we shall take advantage of their mistake.

WEYOUN
You'll do nothing without my approval.My apologies, Captain. I'm afraid
the Jem'Hadar are sadly deficient in the social graces.
---------------

WEYOUN
The Defiant's sensors registered a powerful explosion in the
vicinity of the Gateway. I assume your mission was a success?

Omet'iklan looks coldly at Weyoun.

DAX
The Gateway's been destroyed, if that's what you mean.

WEYOUN
Well done, Captain.You've all done very nicely. Extra rations of White for
everyone. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to inspect the wreckage.

But before Weyoun can finish his sentence...

Omet'iklan opens fire, disintegrating the Vorta. Sisko and the others react.

OMET'IKLAN
That's for questioning our loyalty.
--------------------------------
WEYOUN
Odo, may I speak to you for a moment?

ODO
A moment.

WEYOUN
You know, I've been watching you.

ODO
I've noticed.

WEYOUN
I have to admit, I find it somewhat... disturbing. Seeing you working for these... Federation people, letting them order you around. You're a
Founder. You should be the one giving the orders. To them, to the Jem'Hadar, even to me.

ODO
Then if I order you to leave me alone, you will?

WEYOUN
Of course. But before you do, please hear what I have to say.

WEYOUN
Your people want you to come home, Odo. No matter what differences
you may have with them, no matter what mistakes you may have made... they still love you.

ODO
Maybe they do. But I don't love them.

WEYOUN

You're lying. And you're not very good at it. I, on the other hand,
I am an expert on lies. Both in telling them, and in spotting
them. So you may as well admit the truth. More than anything in your life, you want to return to your people.And I can make it possible.

ODO
How?

WEYOUN
Let me worry about the "how." All I need to know is... Are you ready to go home?



ODO
No. But I am ready to end this conversation.


WEYOUN
Then it's over. After all, you're a Founder. I live to serve you.  

[-[.Moo.]-]

Omg
I laughed so much
When I first saw the 'row row row your boat' thing on that film <3

+==+==+moo+

 

[Lord Redtail Rathan]

-[.Moo.]-

Omg
I laughed so much
When I first saw the 'row row row your boat' thing on that film <3

+==+==+moo+

I know. Hilarious!  

[Blaze_Inferno]

Here are some Trek jokes. This one was found off a site and is not my property.:

Top Ten Ways To Kill Weyoun
10. Dress him up like a Centauri, place him outside a locked room full of angry Narn, and give one of the Narn the key

9. Tell Hamblin that he put out a hit on Janeway!

8. Give him a glass of O.J, because everybody knows that O.J. kills!

7. Put a bear suit on him, tie him up, and drop him in the forest outside South Park while Jimbo and Ned are hunting

6. Accuse him of blowing up a youth center where Mr. T works.

5. Drop him on Luthien with a sign saying "Omi Kurita is a slut"

4. Place him in a theater of angry SW fans wearing a shirt saying, "I love Jar Jar!"

3. Tie him up, and send him to Jabba the Hut with "Rancor Meal" written on the box

2. Drop him on Klendathu with a can of Bugout and a flyswatter

1. Give him a red shirt!

By Big Steve  

[Blaze_Inferno]

Top Ten Weyoun Jokes
10. One little, two little, three little Weyouns, four little, five little, six little Weyouns....

9. Weyoun come, Weyoun go

8. For someone not wearing a redshirt, Weyoun dies often enough

7. Weyoun is like a roach; stomp on one, and two take his place.

6. Weyoun is like the Energizer Bunny; he keeps going and going and going and going....

5. Weyoun's been killed so many times, you'd think he'd get the hint that no one likes him!

4. At least Wesley got the hint, and never returned!

3. Weyoun-killing has become an interstellar sport.

2. Weyoun is the living embodiment of the plot device: whenever the plot needs something extra, they kill him.

1. He's got more lives than a cat, and half the charm!

By Big Steve  

[Recca]

-[.Moo.]-

Omg
I laughed so much
When I first saw the 'row row row your boat' thing on that film <3

+==+==+moo+

I think I got a little sick to my stomach.  

[satien]

Oh I'm so here!

Enterprise-

"please sir may I have some more"
-Malcolm/ Minefield

"He's sound asleep"
"I'm glad to see someone is"

"We'll know in a cupple of hours!"
-Dr. Phlox and Archer/ Night in sickbay

"for the record you made a damn good father"
"you made a damn good son"
-Dr. Phlox and Sim (trip clone)

"I'm a phisition not and enginer!"
-Dr. Phlox/ Dr. orders

"The fun of watching a mistory is to try and solve it before hand using logic...I'd think you of all people would appreciates that"
"then use logic more quietly"
-Trip and T'pol

"It's practically gift warped"
- Malcolm

(there are so many good quotes it's hard to choose to them! I shall post more later this is all I can do from memories)  

[USS_Galactica]

"On Vulcan, the 'teddy bears' are alive and they have six-inch fangs." Spock

"How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life, wouldn't you say?"
-- Captain James T. Kirk

"Why is any object we don't understand always called 'a thing'?" Doctor McCoy

Dr. Julian Bashir: Causing people to suffer because you hate them is terrible... but causing people to suffer because you have forgotten how to care... that's really hard to understand.

Part of my random collection of funny or meaningful quotes from stuff.  

[Nishihana-hime]

my fav is still the one where kirk goes all patriotis...heres a clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gutY7NnNuyA  

[Katina Star]

-[.Moo.]-

Data quotes:


"Oh yes! I hate this! It is revolting!"
"More?"
"Please."

- Data and Guinan, during the meeting in Ten-Forward

~


"I just love scanning for lifeforms. (commences singing and tapping on console like a keyboard) Lifeforms... you tiny little lifeforms... you precious little lifeforms... where are you?"

- Data

~

"Oh... s**t!"

- Data, as the saucer is crashing down on Veridian III

~


"Captain, I believe I speak for everyone here when I say, 'To Hell with our orders'."

- Data
~


"I will always be puzzled by the Human predilection for piloting vehicles at unsafe velocities."

- Data
~

"Ode to Spot" by Lieutenant Commander Data

Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued by your subvocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents.
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array,
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

~

Spot. This is down. Down is good.
-Data
~
* Data asks Worf to take care of Spot:

Data: "He will need to be fed once a day. He prefers feline supplement number 125."
Worf: "I understand."
Data: "And he will require water. And you must provide him with a sandbox. And you must talk to him. Tell him he is a pretty cat, and a good cat, and--"
Worf: "I will feed him."
Data: "Perhaps that will be enough."

+==+==+moo+

I've got some other Data quotes!

I assume your handprint will open this door whether you are conscious or not. (from A Matter of Time) (This is my personal favorite quote, btw)

In the event of a water landing, I have been designed to serve as a floatation device. (from Insurrection)

My hair does not require trimming, you lunkhead. (from Data's Day)