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Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 12:26 am
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It was good, but while the repitition made the poem more powerful, it also seemed to drain the poem a little. If you have any lines that you think are the same with different phrasing, cut one of them. I thought the lines
"Thank You for the big things in life So that I may not worry about the little things Thank You for keeping the big picture a secret So that when I see it I will be amazed"
were the best in the whole poem. They were really powerful, and you surprised me with the reasons you were thanking God.
Capitalizing "you" in "Thank you" I think was meant to put extra emphasis on Thank You as a seperate entity, but it ended up distracting me from the poem.
At the end, where it says "Thank You from me" it seemed to read a little rushed. Perhaps put a comma or some pause there so it reads
"Thank you, from me."
or
"Thank you-- from me."
And the "amen" at the end, seems a little redundant because it's almost as if you're writing a letter to God and at the end there is
Thank you, from me.
like there would be at the end of a letter, and it seems to just be stuck on there at the end.
I would suggest you either change it to "Thank you, God" or cut the "amen", but it's your poem so it's up to you.
Some extra random formatting stuff, was the poem double spaced on your computer? I assume not, since fictionpress automatically double spaces unless when you edit it you delete each space and then click shift+enter to make a single space instead of a double, but if it was you might want to single space it because it looks more proffessional. I would also just bold the title, the underlining is a bit of overkill.
I hope you meant it when you said constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, because I think I went a bit overboard. Don't think I didn't like the poem though, because it was brilliant.
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High-functioning Businesswoman
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Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 6:08 pm
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Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 9:39 pm
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Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 6:03 pm
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Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 4:03 pm
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High-functioning Businesswoman
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Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 5:09 pm
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Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 5:15 pm
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High-functioning Businesswoman
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Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 4:18 pm
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Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 4:25 pm
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Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 8:07 pm
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Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 8:07 pm
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High-functioning Businesswoman
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Posted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 8:57 pm
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Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 10:14 am
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