[SRP] Wish Me Well (T'of, Makhmilith, & Reya)

[Princess_Feylin]

Manufacturing a meeting with someone on another wing who did not want to meet with you was a good deal harder than T’of had expected. In the past, he and Reya had never had much difficulty locating one another at need, but it now seemed that the greenrider had changed around her entire routine. He was fairly certain that the change was because of him. Or, to be more specific, because of his dragon, and the way Makhmilith had deliberately broken Raqisath’s heart.

After nearly a sevenday of trying to run into her “serendipitously,” T’of accepted that it was not going to happen, and consulted the training schedules to determine when and where Harbingers Wing would be drilling. From there, it was simply a matter of arranging to be where he knew she would, a bit before her Wing’s scheduled training was about to end, just in case they were released early.

When the time and date arrived, T’of was not feeling his best. Although it had been quite some time since he and Makh were injured, he was still subject to occasional bouts of fever and in near-constant pain. This was not something he and Makh had factored in when they were considering when would be the most auspicious time to ambush Reya for an awkward, unwelcome conversation, though they should have. T’of’s own Threadscore pained him, even though it was no longer an open wound, and he still felt echoes of Makhmilith’s more severe pain, though the dragon, too, was recovering.

At any rate, T’of was beginning to sweat through his tunic, and it made him feel befouled and like perhaps he ought to call it off and make the attempt on another day.

Get over it, Makh grumbled unsympathetically from where he lay immobilized in the infirmary. It’s your own sweat.

Because I have a fever, T’of retorted. What if my temperature spikes and I say something that makes everything worse?

What if you’re the biggest coward ever to Impress a dragon? Makh countered. Then he relented somewhat: I would do it if I thought she’d listen to me.

T’of sighed and did his best to generate a breeze by flapping the hem of his tunic. It sort of worked, but he felt like an idiot and gave it up as he drew near the training arena where, according to the schedule, Reya and the other Harbingers should be finishing up their weapons practice. He missed that. Coming from Healer Hall, he had expected to find training with swords, knives, staves, and fists uncomfortable, but in fact he had reveled in it, and grown fairly good with a sword or a staff, though his abhorrence of physical contact made fisticuffs and knives poor choices for him.

It was easy to pick out Reya among the dragonriders, though to someone who knew her less well it might have been a challenge. There was no shortage of women with dark eyes and hair drilling with long knives, padded tunics, and wherhide bracers, but he thought Reya stood out among them, and as he watched her go through numbered combinations of attack and defense with her partner, he was unconsciously evaluating both for ways they could improve. Reya wielded a knife with greater facility than T’of, at least in combat, but her partner was better, his technique more precise and his control more effortless. Nevertheless, it was Reya’s figure and form that T’of’s eyes drank in like cool water.

Sharing in the ease that simply seeing Reya brought his rider, Makh was able to feel some relief from his own suffering. Watching through T’of’s eyes was like a balm for the wounded blue, who loved this human second only to T’of, though there was a considerable span between the two humans, as was only natural. Both dragon and rider were not ready to hear the wingsecond’s whistle bring the drills to halt, and startled by the shrill tone. T’of was once again tempted to depart without saying anything, but Makh’s sharp voice in the back of his mind made it clear that would be taking the coward’s way out.

Okay, but what if I send Shiver and Ladyfriend first?

You mean as emissaries for my emissary? Makh gave a mental snort of amusement. Why not?  

[Princess_Feylin]

Reya didn’t notice T’of as practice ended, nor while she cleaned and stowed her knife. She might have gone on failing to notice him as she toweled off the sweat which trickled from her hair down her neck and chest had not a pair of firelizards burst from between just when she was throwing the towel into her bag. They were, of course, struck by said towel on its way into her bag, prompting several seconds of outraged squeaking and hissing while they disentangled themselves and threatened the offending fabric.

“Hello, Shiver. Ladyfriend,” she greeted the firelizards once the impromptu comedy routine had wrapped up. She fought back her smile because she was certain that if the firelizards were here, their owner couldn’t be far off, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to smile for him at the moment. His dragon had really hurt hers, and that was not something she could simply let go.

“Where’s T’of?” she asked before she finished packing up her things. The two firelizards cheeped at her and Shiver fluttered away, heading straight for a tall man leaning against a wall with a too-casual posture. Automatically her eyes narrowed as she slung her gear over her shoulder and straightened up. Too-casual posture meant that he was hiding something, and while there was no reason it couldn’t be due to pain from being Threadscored from shoulder to hip, Reya doubted it was just that.

What’s he doing here? Raqisath asked.

Probably trying to apologize for his dragon, Reya supposed. Should I tell him to sod off?

There was a moment where Raqi definitely considered it, but in the end she said stiffly, That won’t be necessary. I will simply absent myself and leave the two of you some privacy.

Reya wondered how far Raqi planned to go in her effort to ignore her conversation with T’of, but didn’t have much time to think about it because while she spoke to the green dragon, T’of had decided to end their staring match and approach her. His firelizards had both returned to him and settled into their accustomed places on his shoulders. She knew that must be uncomfortable for him, given the scoring on his torso stretched up to one collarbone and down to the opposite hip, with fractals spiraling across his ribs and abdomen, and curling over his shoulder and hip.

“How long have you been here?” she asked, noting T’of’s pink cheeks. “Has it been so long since you’ve been outside that you’re sunburned already?”

T’of touched the backs of his fingers to his cheeks and answered, “Not that long. I’m just overwarm.”

Reya looked at him sternly. “Overwarm or feverish?”

He raised one hand and tilted it back and forth to indicate that it could be either one or both. Lovely.

Knowing it would be turned down, she reached into her pack and withdrew a waterskin, limp and likely tepid, but at least not empty. “Something to drink?”

T’of shook his head. “No, thank you. Can I carry something?”

Reya’s glance turned sharp. “Do you think this will be a long enough conversation that it will be necessary?”

T’of didn’t answer immediately, and while she waited, Reya studied him, taking in the pallor beneath his flushed cheeks, and the jut of his cheekbones beneath that. His eyes were dark and still looked sunken, as though he was not sleeping well - or at all - and his hair was the longest she had ever seen it. He had not cut it since Makh brought them back to the Weyr, she realized. The longer hair was actually a good look, but she imagined he hated it. Truth be told, she could imagine there were a lot of things in his life that he would change right now, if he could. Perhaps this conversation was his way of making a start.

For her part, Reya had, for some time, been considering how long to let this impasse stand. She did not forgive Makh for what he said to Raqi, but T’of had not been part of that, and she had missed him while she avoided Makhmilith. Actually, she supposed this might be the first time he had left the infirmary and Makh’s side for anything other than eating or bathing since the dragon woke, unless he’d found someone else to bring him meals, which wasn’t impossible. He was charming and not above using that to get his way.  

[Princess_Feylin]

It had been an inspired idea to send the firelizards in first, T’of decided. They had done exactly as he had hoped they would, and given Reya a reason to be in a good mood when he approached her. He could tell because she didn’t immediately tell him to sod off, nor did she tear into him about Makhmilith’s behavior toward Raqisath. Their claws digging into the tender new skin on his shoulder were a minor price to pay for that.

She might just be biding her time. Waiting for an exposed underbelly to eviscerate, Makh pointed out.

Very possibly, T’of agreed. She even has a knife fairly near to hand, if she chooses to do so in a literal sense.

I hadn’t considered that, Makh replied. In a cheerier tone than T’of had heard from him in a while he added, Good luck!

T’of didn’t have time to respond to his dragon because Reya had asked him a question. Fortunately, it was an easy one and he was able to answer her truthfully that he hadn’t been there that long, though he could feel heat rising in his face as he recalled that he had spent the time he was there simply admiring Reya and being glad to be able to see her in the flesh. Reya, perhaps understandably, misinterpreted his flushed cheeks as either sunburn or fever and offered him some of her water, which he naturally declined, though he was still feeling excessively sweaty and perhaps a bit feverish, if he was being perfectly honest.

This is going well. She seems to not want me to die of a fever. His optimism might have been premature. Reya’s gaze turned sharp and she asked him how long he thought this conversation was going to be.

Sensing the change in the tone of the humans’ conversation, Makh remarked helpfully, Or maybe she was hoping to poison you herself, and the concern was just an excuse to offer you the poison.

There’s no way she poisoned her waterskin. She didn’t even know I was going to be here this afternoon. Also, why would she be trying to poison me?

Why wouldn’t she? I’m pretty sure there are lots of people who have at least considered trying to poison you.

Okay, well, you work on that list, and I’ll work on getting Reya to listen to you apologize so that maybe you can apologize to Raqisath next. And perhaps you could also work on how you’re going to apologize to me, for saying that lots of people have considered trying to poison me.

T’of realized that conversing with Makh had left a long-ish pause in their conversation, and that he probably should have had a more ready answer, but it seemed fortune was on his side in this instance, and Reya’s expression was not impatient. She was, instead, looking him over with a thoroughness he found almost disconcerting. By the time Reya completed her examination of T’of’s person, he had a response ready for her and wished he could read her mind to glean what conclusions she had drawn from her observations, because her facial expression was a study.

“How long do you think it will take me to convince you to persuade Raqi to hear an apology from Makh?” He answered her question with another question. “I have a long version that involves charts, though I don’t have those with me. I also have a much shorter version that amounts to ‘please’ with some groveling tailored to the situation. Whichever you prefer.”  

[Princess_Feylin]

Reya had sort of expected that this was what T’of wanted to talk to her about. She was more than a little glad that he had finally taken this step, and actually glad that he had elected to do so by seeking her out in person, which implied both that Makh was stable enough to be left alone at least briefly and that this was something T’of was taking seriously. Though apparently not so seriously that he wouldn’t try to make her smile, and damn the b*****d but it was working.

Making a sincere effort not to let T’of know how easily he had charmed her, nor how glad she was to see him at all, Reya waited a few seconds before answering him, only to find herself falling into their usual pattern of banter instead: “I do love charts, so I’m leaning toward the full version of this persuasion, but I also find myself very interested in bespoke groveling.”

That really wasn’t what she’d meant to say, but it was so easy to speak with him, and she had missed this sort of conversation. Along with about five score other things about T’of. Missing him was not all there was to it, though. She knew she could not allow herself to be won over by the giddiness bubbling in the back of her mind at being near T’of again. She had a very real duty to Raqi to ensure that the dragon would not be hurt any more, or anew by his dragon.

“More to the point, though,” she continued, fixing Raqi firmly in the fore of her mind, “I want to talk to Makhmilith. I have no doubt you can offer a winning argument, but I’d rather hear from him what he wants to say to Raqi, and why, and what assurances he offers that he will never, ever do the slightest thing to hurt her again.”

A part of her wondered if there was anything Makh could say which would convince her to persuade Raqi to give him the chance to apologize. Reya was not big on second chances herself, having generally found that allowing them was nearly always a mistake, and that apologies were only words. It had taken Reya too long to learn that, and it was the sort of hard, heartbreaking lesson she would spare Raqi if she could. Of course, she had already failed to prevent the green from being hurt in the first place and deep down she knew that Makhmilith was not like Joha, but that didn’t make it any easier for her.

“Regardless of what Makhmilith says, I will want to see those charts and hear some of that groveling,” she warned as T’of’s expression went briefly distant while he spoke to his dragon.

Meanwhile, Reya reached out to Raqi.

Makh wants to apologize to you, she reported. He’s going to ask me to persuade you to allow it. Would you like to hear him try?

Reya could sense the green’s temptation: Raqi always wanted to know what people thought of her, good or bad. She could also sense Raqi’s justifiable hesitation, and resolved not to try to influence her one way or the other, at least not about “listening in” on Reya’s conversation with Makh. Raqi was an adult, even if she was a mere two turns old, and it wasn’t as if she couldn’t change her mind at any point.

I don’t know, Raqi admitted. I just…

Her final words trailed off just as Reya heard Makhmilith’s rasping voice inside her mind, rough as always, carrying the undeniable undertones of both wariness and hope.

Reya.  

[Princess_Feylin]

It was so easy for T’of to fall into the familiar pattern of conversation with Reya, and even though he had not lost sight of the unfortunate purpose of this particular conversation, it was a relief to be having it. Even before Makh confessed what he’d said to Raqi, and how that might have been the reason neither of them had seen the green or her rider for some time, T’of had missed his best friend terribly.

When Reya said that she wanted to hear from Makh himself, it made perfect sense to both dragon and rider, but T’of still took a moment to remind Makh his blue dragon that he would really need to convince Reya that he would not do anything to hurt Raqi again. He was fairly certain that Reya could guess what an apology would sound like, after all.

I’ll do my best, Makh promised.

Alone in the infirmary, still restrained and intubated, the blue could have wished to be speaking from a position with a little more dignity, even though Reya couldn’t see him, but none of this was about his dignity. It was about righting the wrong he had done someone whose only mistake had been to care too much about him.

Reya, he began, and then had to pause. Her mind had always pleased him, from the very first, and he’d always claimed that if she hadn’t Impressed that night, he would have Searched her because there was just a rightness to her. Since then he had wondered whether that rightness he sensed was not just that she was suited to Impress a dragon, but that she was suited to be a part of his life and T’of’s. In any event, touching her mind reminded him that he didn’t wish to lose the privilege of doing so again in the future.

Reya, he started again. Thank you. I’m not sure there’s anything I could say in an apology which would excuse the way I lashed out at Raqisath, but I am sorry. I have always felt protective of her and cared about her. I never imagined that I would turn her feelings for me against her under any provocation, and I’m so very ashamed to have done so.

Makh was out of words, and so could only wait for a response from Reya. He could get a sense of her feelings, but without the detail and insight he would have liked, courtesy of the practice she had done with T’of and Raqi in creating private spaces within her mind and feelings so that every thought and emotion needn’t become communal. Nevertheless, he got the sense that she was not rejecting him outright, and made an effort to let her sense the sincerity of his regret, unaware that he was also sharing with her the disgust he felt with himself for losing control and hurting someone.

T’of had been listening, only able to hear what Makh said, but able to actually see Reya as he spoke, her gaze going distant and her body still. He said nothing to his dragon for the time being, but he felt Makh had made a fairly good go of it so far, acknowledging the severity of his transgression, actually apologizing, and providing evidence that what he had said and done was out of character, with the implication that, as such, it was not something he intended to happen again. But of course it wasn’t his opinion that mattered.

I’m not asking to be forgiven, or allowed back into Raqisath’s life, Makh said to Reya, unable to read her silence and uncharacteristically unnerved by it. But I have wronged her and she is owed an apology. Moreover, it is important to me that she hears that she did not deserve a single word of what I said and there is nothing wrong with her.

Makh knew Raqi very well. That was how he had known how to hurt her in the first place. Knowing her so, he could be reasonably certain that however hurt and angry she might be, she might also believe in some part that she had deserved to be hurt, and that she had brought it on herself.

Raqisath…she…I know how she feels about me. Felt about me? There was a momentary pause while he gave Reya the opportunity to fill in that blank, but she elected not to, and so he went on, I’m aware it would make many things much easier if I could return her feelings. Instead I used them against her, and in so doing I showed myself to be unworthy of her.

As soon as T’of realized the direction of Makh’s words, he’d been mentally shouting at his dragon to shut up, but Makh had really gotten into the remorseful spirit of things and would not heed him. He did, however, fall silent when Reya spoke for the first time, telling him, That’s enough, Makhmilith.  

[Princess_Feylin]

Once Reya realized that Raqi did intend to listen in when Makh spoke to her, she simultaneously realized she would have to keep virtually silent as he spoke so that he wouldn’t unconsciously pick up on Reya’s eavesdropper. Reya did have some reservations about keeping Makh in ignorance about Raqi listening in, particularly since she didn’t know exactly what the blue intended to say, and worried he might say something which would hurt her dragon even more, but Raqi was an adult, and if she chose to listen, she would have to live with what she heard.

What more could he say? Raqi asked wryly. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard the worst he could throw at me.

A part of Reya wondered if Makh had been coached by T’of, because the first segment of his apology was so straightforward and succinct, while at the same time addressing everything she had asked of him. And she could feel that he was in earnest. He was letting her feel that, and through her Raqi could feel it, too. Makh did not often open his feelings up to others, and it was a little overwhelming to be aware of the depth of the dragon’s regret and shame.

When Reya didn’t respond to Makh’s apology and he kept talking, she was more than a little surprised. She had not forgotten the power of silence in conversation, but she had always known Makh to be someone who was willing to wait out uncomfortable silences without any appearance of being bothered by them. That her silence prompted further elaboration on his part was another glimpse into how sincerely discomfited he was by the situation. He was really worried about mucking this up. And he should be.

Reya may have held onto some healthy skepticism, but it was clear that Raqi, despite herself, felt bad for Makhmilith, and might have broken her silence when he declared she had done nothing to deserve his treatment of her, but before she could come up with the correct words to attempt to comfort him, he mentioned Raqi’s feelings and for all her self-reported nonchalance, Raqi’s desperation to hear that there had been an alteration in his feelings for her forced Reya to tamp down firmly on both their thoughts to maintain the charade that Makh spoke only to her.

How can you just let him squirm like that? Raqi asked, whispering even though it wasn’t necessary that she do so.

Reya was letting him squirm because apologizing perfectly and with genuine regret wasn’t the same as not having transgressed in the first place, and what someone did once, they could - and usually would - do again. She knew that. But she also knew Makh, and she knew he was not being so painfully earnest as part of a scheme to trick her. He said what he meant and he felt what he claimed, and since she could see that her silence was wearing harder on him than she’d expected, and he might soon babble something they’d all wish he hadn’t, she stopped him.

That’s enough, Makhmilith.

Speaking aloud to include T’of she grumbled, “It wasn’t necessary to ambush me. You never thought to write a note?”  

[Princess_Feylin]

Makh recognized that Reya had saved him from himself and continued to borrow T’of’s senses so that he could study her facial expression and posture. In doing so, he thought she might have cut him off because she was inclined to move past his wrongdoing, as long as he didn’t give her reason to regret it. Buoyed by this thawing of Reya’s chill silence, he essayed humor, answering her, I thought about it, but you know my penmanship is execrable.

T’of could see the beginnings of a smirk about the corners of Reya’s mouth at Makh’s joke, and it brought an answering smile to his own lips. Or maybe that was the blue’s joke. One of the things he and Makh shared was a sense of humor, after all.

“I wasn’t sure if you would read a note,” T’of added more soberly. His shrug and raised eyebrows asked her, Would you?

There was a span of silence and T’of wondered if Reya was talking to Raqi, or if she was just considering whether she actually would have read a note if he’d written one. Eventually, she answered, “Let’s hope you never have to find out. For your sake and Makh’s.”

T’of found nothing to disagree with in that sentiment, and his smile broadened.

Do you think things will go back to the way they were? Makh asked him privately.

I can hope so, he replied. Of course he wanted to ask Reya whether she had come to a decision and how she would advise her dragon, but he was fairly certain that whatever else came of this conversation, Reya would once more be a part of his life and Makh’s. If Raqi chose otherwise, that would be both unfortunate and awkward, but Raqi tended to let herself be guided by Reya, and he had hopes that she would do so in this instance, too.

Abruptly, T’of remembered that they were still standing at the edge of the sparring area, and that another wing would soon be coming by to practice their drills. He and Reya had completely ignored her wingmates as they departed, electing instead to stand in one place for what must have been a strange conversation, punctuated as it was by periods of silence. Of course, in a Weyr folks knew that silence didn’t necessarily mean conversation wasn’t occurring, but as human beings it was still not the done thing to stand facing each other without speaking or doing anything else at all.

“Will you come see Makh?” T’of asked. “It doesn’t have to be this minute. I know you have to put away your weapons and probably want a shower and food and have other drills to be at. But I hope you’re able to find time to visit soon. He didn’t say it, but he’s missed you. We both have.”

As much as they had missed her, T’of sort of hoped she would choose to bathe before coming to visit Makh. She was sweaty and a bit grimy and Makh was still very vulnerable to infections. Not that T’of would ever tell her that he was worried she would cause his dragon’s wounds to become infected. For that matter, he was sweat-stained, too, and lightheaded as well. Perhaps that fever he’d been concerned about before hadn’t all been nerves after all.

Doing his best to ignore the flurry of hypochondriacal thoughts beginning to swirl in his mind, T’of raised one hand to wave goodbye to Reya and turned away, saying over his shoulder, “Sorry about the ambush!”  

[Princess_Feylin]

Reya and Raqi had a lot to talk about, but not right away. Raqi wanted to mull things over privately before discussing them with Reya, and then would want to consider that conversation, too. Whether Reya thought all that consideration was unnecessary went unspoken, for Reya was always quick to make up her mind once she felt she had enough facts. Raqi, more afraid of looking foolish than her rider, required more time, and since her feelings for Makhmilith were so complicated, the decision to hear him out or not was one she would go back and forth on. She knew that if she let him talk to her and apologize to her, she would forgive him. To do otherwise was unthinkable. She just wasn't sure she was ready to forgive him, which meant she wasn't sure she was ready to talk to him.

Take all the time you need, Reya told her dragon. He will await your pleasure if he's not a total idiot.

For her part, Reya accepted that Makh had spoken in earnest when they spoke, and although she didn't trust him not to hurt Raqi again - nobody could make that sort of a promise - she trusted that he genuinely did not intend to and would do whatever he could to avoid it. She wondered how far that would end up stretching, and selfishly she wondered about the long-term effects would be on her relationship with the dragon and his rider, because Reya was not only friends with T'of, but with Makh as well, and it was a separate friendship from the one she enjoyed with T'of. She suspected there would be more distance there henceforth, and regretted it.

T'of's next question, about whether she would come see Makh, made her reconsider though. It was true Makh himself hadn't told her that he'd missed her, but she'd felt it when he first said her name. It gave her reason to hope that perhaps, with care, things between the two pairs could be good again, if not the way they once were. To be quite honest, she wasn't sure she would want things to return to the way they were, with Raqi pointlessly pining after Makh and an tacitly agreed-upon distance maintained between T'of and herself. Those were things she wouldn't mind changing.

For the time being, though, she was able to joke with T'of again and enjoy it, though no sooner had she agreed that she would visit Makh in the near future then T'of began to retreat, apologizing over his shoulder for ambushing her. It was unsatisfying and just the sort of withdrawal she'd begun to find so frustrating in recent months. She wasn't innocent on that count, either, but she could pretend to herself. At any rate, she was not going to let him have the last word, even if her rejoinder was fairly weak.

"I still want to see those charts!" she called after his retreating figure.