[PRP] Green Eyed Monster (Lusialu + Kahbrohm)

[demon_pachabel]

Another hatching - the second clutch sitting upon the sands should have soothed Kahbrohm's moods after Anakumath's first clutch had hatched. But he'd been absolutely steeping in his sour mood and his painstakingly kept good thoughts for Banshideth's first clutch upon High Reaches' sands as an official member of the Weyr faded quickly upon the last dragonet picking out their rider and moving off with them.

Leaving him again with that seething knowledge that Dehka - D'hka - was going to be in attendance with that lovely little green of his. Yes, he'd admit she was a beautiful dragon, even if he'd been doing his best to avoid her hopeful, loving gaze that was determined to adore him even if he wanted nothing to do with the whole affair. He felt so very wronged and couldn't even say why. It made no sense, but feelings rarely did.

So, he'd taken an indulgence at that feast that wasn't in the norm: a little wine. Then a little more. Enough that the part of his mind that cared was a little more numb, but hardly enough to be a fool about it. Kahbrohm was too aware of himself to be such a fool - and really it was just a liquid patch on a usually unbreakable ego.

Surely, that would get him through this night and then he'd work on patching up his feelings to survive to the next one.

Uta

 

[Uta]

Another Hatching come and went... and Lusialu was, once again, left utterly alone.. She hadn't realized how much she had been holding onto hope in the second set of eggs, but with those dreams dashed, she felt utterly betrayed. Where she had done her best to keep her mood light and happy during Anakumath's Hatching Feast, Luisalu's willpower was already frayed, and her feelings a tangled mess of utter jealousy.

So while she had attended the Hatching Feast, and strived valiantly to be all smiles for the newest weyrlings sakes--she had found herself drinking a fair bit more than she ate. She was not drunk, per say, but the alcohol at least seemed to help dull the pain. It made her more sociable, at minimum, and helped her pretend that everything was fine.

But it wasn't fine.

The babies were still all anybody could talk about, and if her family wasn't making much of Yunara and her Ardoxshoth, they were expressing concern for Nadry's nieces, or cooing over the babies who had just turned a Turn old, or Alumet's baby. It wasn't like Lusialu to let her envy consume her--but the poor girl's burying of her feelings for the sake of others was leaving her very hollow, indeed. The disappointment of losing her dearest-friends to weyrlinghood right in front of her, and watching her dreams of standing out from others in her famil, was a double-dose of disenchantment. She was, to say, disheartened....

But trying valiantly to keep it all in.

Nursing a drink in hand, Luisalu had found herself a wallflower, but she was far from alone. There were other Candidates who had also been left standing, and she had been offering them smiles or words of condolences all night, when able. More so now that she was well into her cups. "Kahbrohm," she spoke, lifting her glass and giving a small dip of her head. "I'm sorry to see you've only a drink to keep you company tonight." She didn't know the boy well, having found D'hka a bit more approachable, but he was no stranger to the girl. They had all but grown up together in the Weyr, and her words were true, regardless. She felt for all the Candidates who had not found Theirs -- and perhaps all the more, for they had double-the-chances in so short a time.

demon_pachabel

 

[demon_pachabel]

Of course, Kahbrohm knew Lusialu even before candidacy - they both wore 'Weyrbrat' upon their very beings. It was an unspoken physical trait, in a way, and it was rarely difficult to even tell who from Western had also been born and raised amongst the dragons. "Yeah, well..." he couldn't keep the harshness from his voice - rarely did even in his better moods, "I'm kind of used to having different company for these events." Because even though the two brothers didn't get along solely because he had spent his life looking down, Dehka - shardit D'hka - had still made a point to visit and socialize and generally hang around him.

And he only really felt that now that he was trying to put distance between them. Not that it made him more appreciative of the efforts, unfortunately.

"s'stupid."

Uta

 

[Uta]

demon_pachabel

Lusialu wasn't put off by the harshness in Kahbrohm's words. She knew his reputation and had worked with him on enough occasions to know he was D'hka's opposite--where one was soft and approachable, the other was jagged edges and direct. And given he--they--had not only failed to Impress a Hatchling twice in barely a sevenday, on top of watching dear friends and family find their lifemate--it was understandable.

"Sounds like you need a bigger goblet," she spoke, giving him a tip of her own glass, before taking another sip. While Lusialu might have otherwise let him alone, the alcohol was pleasantly numbing, and she wasn't quite ready to go back to being alone. If she didn't have to think about her disappointment, her grief, and her utter selfishness--the better--and Kahbrohm at least might be able to commiserate a little bit, or at least share a drink or five. There were new dragonets afoot again thanks to Banshideth, but Anakumath's brood were hardly much older. Some of them had even returned with Theirs--hadn't she congratuled Elibrie earlier that night and formally met her Kesucianth? And what of Kinye and her Metisoth? Wasn't she the most perfect companion for her friend? And Yunara-- Well. Yunara and Ara were still nothing but the Weyr's newest darlings, and the reminder was still as sharp and jagged as it had been during Anakumath's Hatching Feast.

"I didn't think it would feel this bad, really," she confessed, peering down into her cup curiously, as if the remaining liquid would give her an answer. "Clearly, we'll need to hang out more now that..." She wasn't sure wanted to say it. Her circle of friends, and his brother, were now on different schedules, with different lives. "... Now that some room's been made."  

[demon_pachabel]

Kahbrohm actually looked at his cup with another severe frown. He didn't usually indulge as hard as he had at these last two feasts, but normally he wasn't left watching his brother walking around with a little green who looked at him like he actually hung every star in the sky just for her. That he couldn't find that sickeningly sweet and instead had a healthy amount of envy curl in his gut instead didn't sit right with him. Because logically it was stupid to feel that way. Logically, he knew there was a dragon in his future and when it found him all of Pern would shudder in unison once it's greatest defender was finally at the reigns.

Logic and ego had a way of butting heads sometimes.

"It's different than just being left waiting - I can handle that much," Kahbrohm said, knowing this to be true. Outside of some small bruising, his ego could take some pretty hard hits and not bend. This? This feeling was like something had kicked it's way right out of his chest and taken all of his organs along with it. He hated it. "Clearly we'll have to," not because he needed a sympathy group - that didn't seem to be what Lusialu was offering.

Uta

 

[Uta]

demon_pachabel

Lusialu gave a small sigh, the sight of glittering hide catching her eye, before she looked away. She wasn't in the mood to pretend this late in the feast, and the liquid courage that had made her so sociable earlier in the night was now souring. Or perhaps it had nothing to do with the alcohol at all, and everything to do with her envy that gripped her heart.

"I feel a bit like a fraud, honestly," she confessed, unsure why she was confiding in Kahbrohm of all individuals. Probably because, of everyone in the Candidate barracks, she doubted he cared two licks about what she said, or how she felt. They might have been weyrbrats together, but they weren't close--but perhaps that's why she was here. Because she had heard the rumors about him after Anakumath's hatching, and while it was no business of hers, she wasn't so unaware to know that there was some sort of sibling-rivalry between the two.

And while Lusialu was not outwardly bitter, lately, she felt more and more like a jealous monster. Especially now that Yunara had, her first time standing, Impressed. And yes, as much as she didn't want to admit it, it did make a difference that it was a gold. She was not colorist in the least, and was certain if any dragon was in her future, it would be a beautiful and swift-winged green. But it was High Reaches, and there was more weight involved when it came to metallics. She had been painfully envious when it came to Alumet and Zenobiath... and now, her foster-sister had her own glittering gold.

And it hurt. She didn't know why, and she wanted to hide them, but here she was. It would have hurt no matter the color, but somehow, she felt all the lesser. She had always struggled to stand out compared to her family, and now... Even if she did someday find herself with a gold, she would be a third--just another.

It made her sick. Was she such a metallic chaser? Or was the envy and jealousy in her heart the reason no dragon ahd looked her way? Elibrie had found a most precious blue--so polite, so good natured--and Kinye a most gorgeous green--just like she'd wanted! But why... Why couldn't she have found Hers with them?

She knew that if she did Impress, all of these feelings would dissipate. She would be with Hers at last, and none of these slights would matter. But her confidence was not as resolved as Kahbrohm's. Hadn't her mother been left standing? Weren't many in the kitchens once former Candidates? She was not so unaware that there was never any guarantee--an while she still had many Turns left, she could not assume she was destined for anything.

"I really am happy for them, but I... I have some mixed feelings, I guess, truthfully. I had thought--" what did she think would have happened? "I suppose I thought it would have all turned out different." All of it. That she would have Impressed with her friends, that her sister (either of them) would have been a chromatic rider like she was sure to be, or that she at least would have time to spend as a Candidate with any of her siblings.

Meh.

Another sip of her drink.  

[demon_pachabel]

If Kahbrohm's envy had been rooted in a metallic hide, perhaps he'd have justified it to himself better. But Lufianth wasn't a bronze at D'hka's side. She was petite and green and she worshipped at his brother's feet - none of which were traits he necessarily disliked in a dragon. In fact, the only thing she'd done that stirred his complicated feelings was to need the boy with her entire being - and even in that, it wasn't her fault that the same couldn't have been said of either her siblings or Banshidheth's brood for him. Logically, he knew a lot of his feelings and thoughts didn't make sense.

But nobody could run purely off of hard logic. Kahbrohm was made of so many raw, snippy feelings that sometimes logic poked it's head out of it's burrow and got it bitten off.

"I'm hardly here to celebrate," Kahbrohm stated with little concern how it made him sound. He saw no reason to paint his feelings with vague brushes to be interpreted with speculation. It really could have been anybody and he'd have allowed himself to be so candid. But it was Lusialu who he'd found himself in the company of, so she got the honor of the night.

But he wasn't so wrapped in himself to not hear exactly what it was she was saying in turn - and he related to what she didn't say. "He and I have always been step in step," same age, same father, each milestone met together. "And now I've been left behind." His ego wasn't so fragile that it would crumple for having the truth laid bare. "Now I have to watch his back as they move ahead together."

And it felt like they'd never really be standing at the line together again.

Uta

 

[Uta]

Lusialu’s brows knit momentarily as Kahbrohm made a point of explaining exactly why he was here--she wasn't shocked by his acknowledgment that he wasn’t here to celebrate--she had never been under any illusion that was the case. She might well have retreated then, and let him alone to his own brooding--but his confession did give her pause to linger, as it did strike a chord.

“You and I are not so different,” she mused, before giving a sigh and taking another sip of her drink. “It’s a hard thing to do, being left behind. I don’t know if it’s better or worse to slip a step than to be outrun before you even begin the race.” And it was a race, no matter what others thought or said or felt.

While Lusialu wasn’t a competitive person, she had been born the odd-one-out in her family. Perhaps she had been spoiled as a baby, or perhaps she had simply had an expectation of how things would go--but lately, she just felt as if her family had already won every ribbon the world might grant them. “It doesn’t help now, I know, but there’s still a chance to catch up. You might feel idle now, but what if a blue, brown, or bronze seeks you out?” Unlike her, where not one, but two in her family had found themselves with the pinnacle of perfection in High Reaches.

Lightning didn’t strike twice, so the saying went--which would make it almost ludicrous to strike thrice. She would find Hers, maybe, if the stars aligned--and even if she did, where would she go in a place like High Reaches? Even if the impossible happened, and she found Hers in a metallic--it would be nothing but a repeat of what her sisters had already accomplished.

She wasn’t a gold digger--but she had always wanted to be as special, as desired, as popular as her siblings. But the reality was she was doomed to a more mediocre fate; and at present, with Elibrie and Kinye having found Theirs, and Yunara with Hers…. She was feeling awfully alone.

“Someone like you wouldn’t want just any dragonet though. You want Yours and clearly, though D’hka found His--you’re not standing still, you’re lying in wait. It sucks now, but it’s just a temporary delay, I’m sure. And once you find Yours, I’m know nothing will hold you back.” She knew Kahbrohm didn’t need to hear it, and she wasn’t giving him platitudes. She had to believe it. He was at least still in some race--even if he had fallen behind, it wasn’t over no matter that D’hka had Lufianth. “You’ll be back in step sooner than you think, I bet. I mean, at least he didn’t Impress a bronze.” And if that came out bitter, well… It couldn’t be helped.

She wasn’t perfect, and metallics were still on her mind.

demon_pachabel

 

[demon_pachabel]

Lusialu's somewhat thoughtful answer was only a little mollifying - he knew well enough that she had the shadows of older siblings on dragons to stand in. More than that, one was a goldrider. If he was unaware of the fact that it was truly two, that didn't dampen the weight he imagined she felt upon her shoulders about it. It was a difficult showing to follow up a sister already at the top of the Weyr's proverbial food chain.

"At least he didn't impress a bronze, huh?" Kahbrohm took a pointed drink from his cup, not even enjoying the flavor or burn the contents of it left in his mouth. Was it supposed to take the edge off of his feelings or make them feel like they were set ablaze? "Frankly, I'd feel better - more justified - if he had. I mean," he gestured with a hand off in the direction of D'hka and Lufianth, though there wasn't any of the pent of aggression that was coiled up inside of him in the motion, "yeah, she's green. And there are absolutely those who don't think that someone impressin' a green is worth getting wound up over." No accusation was pointed towards Lusialu's wording, at least not in Kahbrohm's tone. "But she's a star in the sky, even if she's not Rukbat, y'know?"

He wanted to be in that orbit

Uta

 

[Uta]

Lusialu was too tipsy to care what she might have sounded like, petulant as it may have been. She wasn't perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, and while she didn't think less of any color of dragon, it was very difficult not to know that she was destined for seemingly mediocrity. No matter the color, she would be following up an act that was already done; her friends and siblings had long since surpassed her, and while they might be happy for her, they would not be there to share in the experience. Surely, she would forget all such things when she finally locked eyes on her most perfect dragon, the one that was meant for her--but until then, at least for tonight, her envy was rampant, and her feelings difficult to control.

To make matters worse, she didn't feel an better grousing to Kahbrohm about it. Glancing over to where he gestured, seeing D'kha and Lufianth looking happy, looking radiant, and that dragon gazing up at him like he hung the moons... Again, a twang of jealousy tugged at her heart. Her throat tightened, and she felt a familiar sting behind her eyes. So she looked away, blinking back any tears that threatened to spill over.

Maybe she shouldn't have come.

The Barracks would certainly be empty, or emptier. Any reassurance or comradery she had hoped to find felt hellow and empty. "She's perfect for him," she spoke quietly. "And when you find yours, and he or she will be equally perfect." It wasn't a lie. Impression was a mystery that no man or woman could quite explain--or figure out. Dragon's chose who they wanted, when they wanted, at their own time. Surely, Kahbrohm had time. His father was a rider, his brother. The same could be said for Lusialu, though she did...worry...she also might be like her mother--a Candidate who never quite find their match. Unlike her mother, she had little charm and was not a coveted beauty or trained crafter. But there was time...would be time...for them both, wouldn't there?

It was all Lusialu could do to hope.

"Anyway, I guess it is what it is. I'm sorry you didn't Impress, and hope you find what you're looking for next time." For there would be a next time. And a next time. And a time after that. Over, and over, until they found their match, or aged out. They were powerless to do anything, but wait, and see.

demon_pachabel

 

[demon_pachabel]

Over and over indeed. Kahbrohm couldn't help but stare at his brother and his lifemate as though he could start fires from just looking long enough - not that he actually wanted to set either ablaze.

"It'll be better, whenever it is," he huffed into his glass. He didn't feel better for getting it off his chest. Envy was a disgusting feeling in general and feeling it because of D'hka was even worse, in his opinion. "And when it comes it'll be about us and not us," his emphasis was meant to assert the former was 'my dragon and I' and the latter was 'my brother and I'. Because that was the only real lining he could find to his disappointment.

He didn't have to share with D'hka.

It was so much easier to feel patient before now, though. Waiting hadn't been the problem.

Uta