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 Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2019 11:30 am
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Eridia was allowed few visitors. There were, of course, exceptions to be made for trolls in good standing with the military or on nights when the guard drones were feeling exceptionally kind. The drone who came to pick her up tonight sounded a bit putout as he announced, "you've got a visitor, get up," but gave her no indication of who they were or what their business was. He shackled Eridia's hands at her front and, with the help of a small guard detail, led her to a nondescript room closer to the entrance of the Pits.
The room was cut down the middle by a thick wall of plexigass with nothing but benches and telephone receivers on either side. Once Eridia was seated, her cuffs were removed and two guards were posted near the door. The rest waited outside.
"We can't give you a whole lot of time," a drone told Hemera as they waited outside the door on the opposite side of the room. They had an uninterrupted view of Eridia through a two-way mirror as she was led inside. "So don't waste it." That said, the drone motioned to the door, giving Hemera permission to enter.
This was her chance to say what needed to be said.
Only Gl!tch~ and ImaginationsParadise may post in this growth. Please quote the mule if you need a follow up post or when you're finished!
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Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2019 2:29 pm
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Hemera was never one to sleep restlessly, as far as she aware. Yes, her daymares had intensified a little after the ball sweeps ago, and after the spaceship crash in Four Fronds, but she was a child then. Overactive imaginations happened. It never kept her up all day, anyhow. After the space tower, she came close, but more just because her thinkpan wouldn't stop going over the gap in her planning when it came to Civisect.
And after her final space mission...she slept like a grub. She had to. So much exhaustion, necessary recovery, and all that. Honestly the only thing that kept her up was Leeroi, between his music and his snoring. The first few dusks she woke up to stumps, and that stayed a lingering shock, but it became routine quickly enough.
She had stayed busy since. Mera had to prove that she was acclimatizing well to her new legs, new position in the military, and new position in the Lightseekers. Plus a relationship. And sewing as maintenance plus commission. Not even going into Grub Scouts! So sleep became important, both before the mansion investigation, and after. What little she got, anyway.
Her life thus far was all about compartmentalizing, internalizing, and moving on. Color Hemera surprised when thoughts about the things Eridia said to her during the awful hostage situation at the Rutven seance wouldn't leave her alone. They made her think time and time again, grind her teeth, and think while grinding her teeth.
She never got to respond. And that really, really bothered her.
Unsure of Eridia's fate, Hemera finally came in for a visit. She didn't expect it to go well, or even be satisfactory. But it didn't matter. Mera wasn't sure if she couldn't afford to care, or if it just was too dangerous to. More importantly, the tealblood just wanted some peace of mind. She followed the drone, nodded at their words, and stepped into the visitation room to sit down.
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Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2019 6:43 pm
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"If you had given me the opportunity to, I would have."
But, Hemera sighed, primarily at herself. "Hello, Eridia." She knew what she wanted to talk about, but realized she didn't know what to say. Not without just...barreling along selfishly.
"I'm sorry that it came to this. I want you to know that." Part of her hated at how sincere that was. They weren't even friends, or ever, ever on honestly decent terms. For some reason, she had hoped for better at the investigation. That maybe, if Eridia got her head out of her a**, she would have potential. For what? Hemera had no idea. But looking back at how at odds they always were, while it was understandable, it was disappointing. Eridia could be more than a brat... And now who knew if that would ever be possible.
Mera steeled herself, expecting a hostile response.
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2019 1:20 pm
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If there was one big assessment Hemera could make after a whole minute of conversation, it was that prison life hadn't broken Eridia's spirit. It took everything in Hemera's power to not start tuning the purpleblood out or glance at the ceiling herself.
"I'm not here to profile you, Eridia, especially if you can't remember the moment." A pity- not being unable to profile, because that wasn't her job and she didn't envy anyone who might have to do that. No, the one-sided conversation was a real shame. Already, Eridia just wanted to focus on herself and only include Hemera has a subject. But if that's how the power dynamics had always been in Eridia's life, she probably had no other idea how to act.
"I don't expect any explanatons, and again, there's no point hoping for it if you don't remember anyway."
And she doubted that Eridia really cared why it was important to her. Mera would press on anyway.
Even if Eridia couldn't recall crying and admitting to her misery, Hemera still did. As well as Eridia's mentality at the time.
But, again, it wasn't her job to work with Eridia on that. There were plenty of reports someone else could parse and reference for their own meeting with the disgraced purpleblood.
"Whether or not you remember it, you called me a good troll. In a mocking manner, putting us on two opposing sides. And there was the statement that everyone loves me because I am a 'good' troll. And you are right. I fulfill a function, a service. If I stop doing what others want of me, I will no longer serve the function they desire or demand of me. And then I suppose that would make me bad, because I am not doing what is defined as good. And that is a very hard thing to consider."
Hemera always knew that she needed to work hard for the good of Alternia more than for herself. And everyone who did in fact praise her, who wanted to work with her, perhaps even those who loved her, only wanted anything to do with her because she was a good little troll who did her reports and followed protocol and didn't cause any drama. And if she stepped away from expectations, then those who put time and energy into her were likely to lose interest. Friendship and comradery only meant so much when everyone had goals. Her work in the military and with the Lightseekers were goal-oriented. If she dragged her feet on any of that at any time, or didn't follow to expectation, she would be a problem.
"In the end, we have a choice. To either do good, or do bad. The definition is out of our hands whether something is one or the other. People can personally debate them, but in the end it's not our call what they are." That fact hurt the most. Mera did not believe Eridia was destined to be bad, and she always had potential to change. But Leeroi thought she was bad, the Lightseekers likely thought her bad, and now she was a criminal in the eyes of society. Consequences should be demanded for her actions. But it was just so easy to fall into a terrible reputation with few to no chances for redemption.
"I think in the face of how limited our options are, we still are able to make those choices for ourselves, mindfully. And if my choice is to make others happy versus myself, so be it. I don't like being so aware of how I am just a cog in the machine, but I suppose I need to be aware of how real the fact is. And I have to deal with being content over expecting resounding successes at every turn. Not everything can go my way. If all I can achieve is a diplomatic ending to a stand-off compared to guns blazing and wanton death, that has to be enough. And sometimes paperwork is all you can do to find some level of order when so much is outside of your control."
She sighed. "I suppose at the end of the day you have to find what keeps you stable and content, or otherwise you are left to die adrift and miserable."
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Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2019 7:46 pm
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"No honey, you're a tool." Eridia breathed out, trying to keep herself calm. It triggered her how servicial she made herself sound. A martyr, trying to do what was "best" to make others "happy". "But I can see why I was mocking you back there." So maybe she was jealous of how easy it was for Hemera to be liked, or how easy she made it look just by doing as told. It wasn't that Eridia was a rebellious troll, not entirely. The purpleblood liked to think that people were just eager to label a situation, to put concrete around it by judging it as "good" or "bad". And maybe that whole situation drove her mad because not once had she heard someone else call her good. Making her blind as anyone else on the whole matter and closing down her own ability to truly see a situation.
If it’s not good, we don’t want to be it. No one wanted something spoiled, wrecked or bad. Almost no one truly wanted her because she was bad and that was noticeable by the amount of trolls that ever tried visiting her. Three, counting Hemera and the tealblood was only there for answers.
Maybe Eridia was tired of being hated, tired pulling out the darker emotions in trolls around you all the time not knowing how she got so skillful ever since she was a child. It had been fun, no doubt but-- she also wanted to be recognized as good once in a while. Not just, complying with others but as a good troll with the biggest and most badass heart out there. Gerard saw that potential-- her potential to be good at something why... Why couldn't anyone else see that?
"You know what I think? That maybe what I saw back there was a troll who puts extreme pressure on herself to constantly maintain her self-image. It feels good constantly being on other’s “good” sides. It feels good to avoid negative feelings and get the spotlight for being seen as virtuous and kind. However the chronic stress always demanding that you keep your mask strapped on even though it might be suffocating you."
"That is nothing but a selfish act: the paperwork, and the "diplomatic" actions you take. Hell," She snorted, wiping one of her teary eyes. "It’s one thing not to want to start conflict. But avoiding conflict at all costs means that you’ll struggle to stand up for the things — and the trolls — you really believe in. Deep down, you're just trying to control someone else’s reaction towards you by behaving in a certain way."
The purpleblood pinched the bridge of her nose and stopped her tracks for a moment before breathing out. She was a bit more... calm."But what does this fool knows? That's probably what you're thinking." Maybe without the insult. Maybe.
Eridia sighed thinking for a few seconds what she was going to say for a change. If she was going to get culled, then she'd better say something with forethought for once. "It's sad to think someone only lives to fulfill a function. It's not only about efficiency, life's not only about making other's happy, Hemera. When was the last time you made yourself happy? When was the last time you took risks or spoiled yourself with something you wanted but obviously didn't even need?"
"It's not like I care anyways, believe me. And the feeling must be mutual since whatever happens to me will be seen as a consequence, right? However, it's certainly something to think about."
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Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:57 pm
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Mera sat there for a moment, shaken. That was...wow. Wow. She...didn't expect such insight. That involved taking effort to think outside of Eridia's self, the last thing she expected Eridia would want to do considering the situation the highblood was in. You're a tool. Her grip on the phone tightened, but it was a conclusion she basically came to herself. At least, a tool in a literal sense.
Extreme pressure... Chronic stress... That felt true sometimes. But supposed efforts to feel good? Getting the spotlight? Hemera didn't agree with that.
To be called selfish, to basically be called a coward on top of it, now that she wouldn't stand for. "I avoid physical conflict," Mera corrected. "I have stood up to you before, among others. I went up to space. To fight. Because I had to. I have unconventional beliefs, and that in and of itself causes a struggle. I accept that, and I don't back down from it. I have received backlash, and I adapt to it and prove myself despite it. It might be a small victory, but it's something, no? I might not be able to affect much in my lifetime, but I'm achieving something."
And life...only trolls of the upper crust didn't have to believe it was about making others happy typical.
For a moment, though, she actually smiled a little. "It's fine that you don't care. But...I have a kismesis now, and he is the biggest challenge and risk I have ever taken. He's almost as divisive as Captain Vidari among trolls. He's so much I should hate, and he absolutely gets on my nerves, but he makes me very, very happy. He's the one exception to doing everything for others. With him, I want to prove myself, for me." And that, too, was her own little victory.
But, not everything could be about her. And it shouldn't be. Her expression evened out at Eridia's final comment. She sighed.
"Eridia... It is. It is a consequence. As I said before, we're in a society that dictates good and bad, and it enforces it through punishment. There is no way around that. And no matter the motive, you took part in something drastic, horrifying, even." She paused. Mera exhaled again. "And as I said, I wish it didn't come to this. I was proud of you. With your ventures during Superstar Authority, joining the military, going to the mansion to deal with your demons... Even though we've always had friction and conflict, I wanted you to succeed. And if you get out of this alive, I still want to hope. You're incredibly privileged, but you had ambition, and it was admirable. You never settled. And I hope to see you on the other side, taking the perfume scene by storm."
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2019 5:45 pm
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Something about knowing Hemera had a kismesis struck a chord inside her. It actually hurt. What a way to tell her she had her life pulled together. The lavenderblood tried to come up with a witty reply and came up with absolutely nothing. She remain silent, mulling about things that had happened before. She once was involved in a blackrom, a real one, not one of her hit and run adventures. She gave that away for Gerard. Eridia also had the change to have a morail, again, she gave that away for Gerard. If it weren't for her insecurities and her ego, Eridia would have avoided this.
She had been so much better the past few sweeps... But this only made her serious issues resurface Eridia had forgotten. She had broken into a perpetual state of melancholy multiple times because of the ghost and even forgot how bad she needed him until now. Yet... Eridia was starting to doubt if he actually needed her. He... said it... didn't he?
Ant then Hemera spoke again, in an entirely different way. She was... proud of her. "I--" The words couldn't come out properly. Her heart began to race, and she felt a lump in her throat. Eridia was just shaking, trying to keep her cool, but she couldn't. The last thing she wanted was to appear broken and bruised in front of the tealblood. She lowered the phone slowly, trying to muffle her sniffles One by one, drops fell from her eyes like they were on an assembly line - gather, fall, slide... gather, fall, slide... each one commemorating something she had lost. Hope. Faith. Confidence. Pride. Security. Trust. Independence. Joy. Beauty. Freedom...
And now the old woman cried bitterly. Having so many options and resorting to this was not pleasant. Because no matter what she could do or attempt to do could change the situation. She messed up.
She took the phone again quickly, closing her eyes shut, to stop the tears from falling and wiped the tears away. "I was unable to prevent myself from making a mistake that would result in a great deal of pain. Didn't have anyone to stop me, those fools only watched until blood spilled. So it's not entirely my fault.” It was incredible how this one, awful mistake had taught Eridia something new about herself. Obsessing over the dead wasn't healthy. “I wasn't ambitious." She said sternly. "Alright, you caught me. I'm secretly obsessed with Gerard."
"I got obsessed. It got to a point in which my childish crush, turned into an obsession. Gerard was never not in my thoughts and, somehow, I could still recall what scent he had all these sweeps which is why I... got into the perfume business." She sighed. "What I was doing one way, or another, reminded me of him." Her lips trembled. "Except when I enlisted in the military. I'm guessing that took him out of my thoughts for a while. But this whole mission reminded me that I just couldn't get over him. A-and I knew I had to get over him but, I didn't know how." Eridia had shed a lot of tears over him, lost a lot of sleep, eaten a lot of cake batter. "It felt like hell, all those sweeps, I didn't shake loose from the grip he had on my heart. I most definitely didn't want to keep feeling this way, alone in an entanglement that I originally thought of as appreciation and awe."
"I never wanted power or whatever he was after. I'm not even sure of what he wanted." Besides having Tagino killed. Which she was totally conscious of doing. "It's not even a valid excuse or an alibi. I didn't do it because I wasn't satisfied with the amount of power I had or wanted to become the ultimate ruler. I let my obsession get the best of me and...” Eridia took a deep breath. "I guess he used me like a napkin."
"Many trolls doubt that I'll survive this mess I made, and I wouldn't be surprised if some are waiting to see my culling. I'm hard to kill. So don't worry." All that Eridia had left was the responsibility to let others know that anyone could make a mistake and come back from it.
"Thank you... for believing in me Hemera."
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Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2019 5:29 pm
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Hemera could only wonder how someone with so much status could feel so lonely. Eridia had been in positon to get anything, anything she desired. She fit the bill for a purpleblood so perfectly, that Mera couldn't imagine that she was at all an outcast in the upper social circles... But maybe her 'secret' obsession with Gerard still held some weight. Everyone in attendance at Awassi's hive the first time got to see her grow so passionately fond, in a childlike way, of the 'fellow' purpleblood.
Someone who fell under such a sway, so, so easily... That then followed her for the rest of her life. How...pitiful.
But...that loneliness. As a matter of hindsight, the concept stood out to Hemera. She loved socializing and keeping up with others; people liked her, from the best she understood. Reactions at her booths and within the Lightseekers were primarily positive. Not many visited her hive, though. Elidae, Afryse, Leeroi... And that was it. Before Afryse, she had no experience with physical affection, and before Leeroi she didn't have any clue regarding constant companionship. She still struggled with affection that was supposed to come naturally, at least according to the media she consumed for research. So maybe she grew up emotionally sideways and didn't know it until she started to date.
But even so, Hemera liked her time alone at home, to get away from just how intense literally everyone else was. In a way, that was a matter of caste differences; she didn't grow up with expectation to be a leader. To command attention. She wasn't a highblood. Mera wasn't flocked by others too often, especially in masses. And she rarely saw more than one troll or so with Eridia. Wasn't the purpleblood a point of ridicule at the seance, as well? Pitiful indeed.
Eridia was just, possibly, struggling to recover from being a lonely little girl. And it was luck that no one died in the process. No one was obligated to forgive Eridia for her actions. Hemera wasn't sure she could, really, but she could at least bother to see where Eridia was coming from. Not that anyone else was obligated to, either. Actions always demanded consequences. Always.
And that's where the differences settled. Hemera's actions were, for the most part, acceptable. Pat on the head. Good girl. Not a flattering self-image, but she was as bound to perception as Eridia was. She already had to struggle with boundaries to keep her kismesiship, to not get banned from a museum. Sometimes the differences between right and necessary could be rough indeed.
Despite all that, the polarizing 'alignments' between Hemera and Eridia, she still managed to create some sort of bridge. All without directly meaning to. As per usual, she had to take any victory she could.
"He used you, but he doesn't have to define you. Please always remember that."
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Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2019 5:57 pm
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"The feeling of being used…I guess it’s better then being forgotten." Eridia admitted. Imprisonment was a way of pretending to solve the problem of her crime. And deep doing she knew that it would do nothing for trolls she had attacked and it... satisfied her. Knowing that she could very much get away with that as the crimes of the rich and powerful highbloods go mostly unpunished. She could, at most, only be processed by being an ally to Gerard's plot.
The adult hated being used for such plot and even hated to think that there might be others out there that might want to use her too if she ever got out. Gerard almost got what he wanted from her, and if his ghost was still around, anywhere, he probably wouldn’t care that she'd taken a bullet and sent straight to jail. She still had a few more hours to spend alone in her cell, while her case was processed.
But with a soften gaze she said, "Alright. I’ll bear that in mind.” It was a different train of thought for sure and it would take her some time to believe that she was, in no way, going to suffer even more from this. She'd get her way out of the mess she made, her way. "But not tonight. It'll take some time."
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