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 Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2018 3:32 pm
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Lately, Civisect City had become her refuge. There was no way she'd risk her cool demeanor again. No matter how she faked that she was okay, Polair was far from being okay and she was keeping the bitterness to herself. She was spiraling into her vicious cycle of solitude, pushing herself away from anyone. She didn't even want to think about trolls like Nictor or Mahmud, who constantly worried about nothing-- worry about her wellbeing even. Her agenda was filled purposely, to load herself with responsibilities, to have valid excuses, and fulfill her unquenchable thirst for independence. Any letter or invitation she received? Ignored. Envelopes left sealed and out of sight. If her drones attempted to read a letter out-loud, she'd have a fit. Polair would get angry, scream, hurt them...
Claud had been worried about the workload she had. How she was neglecting her own health to escape her worries. Her urged her to take a few days off, to postpone some of the work, abandon others, but Polair wasn't listening. She wouldn't. The highblood knew what she was doing, right? She knew what was best for her.
It was late at night and the seadweller was removing her make up in her dressing room. The show had been successful, the fans and sponsors were happy and she... she was drained. The purpleblood had asked the staff to be left alone as she wanted to be left undisturbed as she prepared to leave the establishment. Fans and paparazzis? She hoped they'd not be granted access. She didn't want to lash out on anyone. I will not threaten to cull if it happens... I already have and it felt horrifying.
Putting the makeup remover wipes down, Polair rubbed her temples as the usual headache resurfaced for the third time tonight. She was thinking of the pain, and wondered how it was possible for physical agony to be so intense. She had never imagined that such a torture could be endured. Yet here was she, both conscious and able to think clearly about it. And not only to think, but to observe the process and make calculations about it. The steel circle around Polair's skull was closing in with faint cracking noises. How much farther could it shrink?
Some nights the migraines were worst, bringing with them voices that would make her whole body throb. Polair could do nothing except lie in a blacked-out room waiting for the voices to get infected by the pains in her head and clear off. She hoped this wouldn't be the case tonight. Taking her cane, the seadweller looked for her bag, to fetch her pain-killers. Feeling the container in her hand she sighed. "I’d rather not take this medication, or any medication for that matter." She hated using pills, herbs were always better to treat these kinds of pains. However it was the only one that controlled her pain adequately enough to allow her to function on a daily basis. "I'll take the smallest dose possible to enable me to remain as clear-headed as possible to do what I need to do each night." She mumbled, serving herself a glass of water and setting it on her vanity table along with the pills.
She sat back down, with a deep sigh as she dared to wonder how her friends were doing, not that she'd make the first move to know about their whereabouts. How the space program was doing without her? She sort of disappeared without a word. She hadn't even stopped by the Underworld ever since she left the space tower in Chittentown. "Have they even noticed my absence these few nights? Not that my presence was ever noticeable." Really, she always kept her distance before and after becoming a big name.
"It really doesn't matter." She was running away from everything that reminded her of herself, of her old self. She didn't want to be reminded of her past or how different her present was from the future she'd taken for granted. Polair shook the thoughts away, body shaking slightly. The seadweller inhaled, counted to four and exhaled. It seemed wise to ignore any form of pain; mental or physical, and just resume wiping the make up off her face for the time of being. That way she could go home and lock herself up until tomorrow.
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Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 6:13 pm
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She held her breath as she heard the creaking door open. All her fears rushed into her head again. Who was it, what did they wanted? Hopefully not a picture of her unexposed face. Her body was tensed up, but as soon as she recognized who it was, her muscles loosed a bit. She honestly didn't expect talking to the purpleblood again after...
"Thanks. Yes... I supposed it has been quite a while since we last spoke. What's this--" She said, hands exploring the item placed on her lap as she figured what they were. "Flowers? For me?" Polair seemed surprised. The seadweller touched the flowers that have been given to her, feeling its leaves and petals. "I appreciate the gesture, you didn't have to..." Polair smiled a bit, touching the soft petals once more as she wondered what color were they.
"O-oh." Her voice faltered, feeling the urge to build up her walls higher so Cerpin couldn't read what was going on with her. Casually she covered up her eyes, knowing it was easier for her to lie behind her bangs. "I've been, you know, busy but alright."
"Not at all, this is nothing!" She smiled, placing the flowers over the pills. Hopefully he didn't see those. "Seems like it, I know. A lot of trolls have been wanting me to take it slow but, I can assure you I am managing everything just fine."
If he was throwing questions around, then it wouldn't be weird to throw some back as well, right? "What brings you here?" in reality, she reformulated her question. Wanting to know how exactly did he managed to get in.
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Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 7:46 pm
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"Lying?" Polair tried her best to sound as if she was shocked. Cerpin was sitting way to close to her, and for the first time the highblood felt a bit uncomfortable. He had to be sitting on the pills, the probabilities were high. She just needed to keep calm, getting pissed off would only make the headache worst. She took a deep breath, trying to ignore the headache and giving the purpleblood a reassuring smile.
"Cerpin why would you think that? I'm not avoiding anyone and I'm sure I'm preforming sometime next week at the Underworld." That was another lie. How many times had she rejected going there? "If you'd like to check my agenda for some proof..." She suggested, knowing well she had written the club's name somewhere to help with her lies. "I just like tackling many tasks at once, that's all. I've always been like this."
"I..."Touching her face made her a bit more anxious. Polair inched away some, smile faltered as she did so. No, she didn't need to think of Buffel at this time. The thought of him wouldn't do good with her current mental state. "I-I think you are overthinking. I'm fine I swear. There's nothing that needs to be talked about." And even if there was...
"And if there was something to talk about, I can assure you that I can handle it by myself."
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Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2018 12:04 pm
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"Wouldn't you be more comfortable sitting down elsewhere? There's plenty of places to sit in here. Or have anything else to do? You're also a busy troll." The snarky expression quickly changed into a horrified and shocked look on her face, partially hidden thanks to her bangs. It clearly didn't compared to the one she tried feigning. Blood drain from her face as she thought about it, as Polair thought if what information did Deimos presented to Cerpin and what could she say on the matter. "I don't know why I'm even surprised he said that..." The highblood scoffed.
"Listen, my problems are my business, end of discussion. I can't bring myself to become an issue to anyone. Isn't this something simple to understand? After a while, I learnt that I don't need anyone to survive my trials. I learnt that... Sadly no one's ever going to be there, no matter what they say or what they have promised. And I've found that attitude to be liberating, because now I am able to focus better on important things."
Polair ran her fingers through her hair with a bitter look. "You don't need to understand what I 'feel' alright? First of all because I've trained myself to avoid feeling and secondly... It's not worth clouding up your mind with things that have no importance. I'm sick and tired of trolls trying to help me out. I've said it a million times, I don't need HELP when I am certain I can do things on my own!" She was getting worked up again, making the pain worsen. She clutched her head for a moment before speaking up again.
"I-I, I don't have time for this." The seadweller looked away. Even if she was blind, it was hard to face Cerpin. How much did he know about the argument? Her first thought was to get away from him, but the purpleblood was holding her tight. "I don't want to talk about what has happened or my argument with him. I have NOTHING to say on the matter." She mumbled while she tried to move away once more. Polair needed to find a way out of this. One hand rested on his, the other slowly tried to reach out for the cane.
"Is that the only reason why you came Cerpin? To interrogate me o-on trivial matters?" Polair chuckled bitterly. That seemed so... mean. "I have no idea how they let you in here, but I think you should go before I call security."
"I want to be left alone." And treat her headache.
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Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2018 7:57 pm
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"Yes I am Cerpin." No, no, no.. he couldn't possibly meant that. She was a trivial matter because she became one. She had become unproductive in terms of her old dreams. "Stop trying, please..."
"Th-the more reasons I show them how independent I am, the least probable they'll think I'm an issue." She protested. "Okay? It gives trolls less reasons to leave. It keeps me in control of the situation-- of myself even." Polair's lip quivered, thinking about his reasoning. Was it possible that she had seen this the other way around? No. It couldn't...
Once he had let go to take the water and pills, Polair made a run to the door. Turning the knob left to right, just to see he had locked the door. s**t. Her breathing pattern quickened as she tried and tried to open, she had to get out. Polair felt like a caged animal, pacing around, trying to find a way to escape. The highblood, not being able to think clearly in such conditions, banged on the door hoping she'd attract some attention or at least block out those questions which answers clearly hurt her. It haunted her. Her forehead touched the door as the banging slowly stopped. Her tears had made her stop.
Who are you waiting for, Polair? Who was she waiting for...
"He'd still be here if I didn't mess up..." She said to herself. It was true, the more friendless she was, the more she'd respect herself. The more she'd feel in control of everything. It didn't matter how rude and awful she acted as long as she had control. The headache had gotten worse, feeling the muscles throb in pain. The pills, she needed them now.
"NO." Hearing Cerpin gulp down what seemed the only thing that'd make her feel better dropped her to her knees. "Y-you! Y-you drank..." Polair couldn't believe he had drank her pills. Those were the only thing keeping her active through this. Polair tried to get back on her feet, stumbled her way to her vanity to frantically search for the pile that she had left. Maybe he hadn't drank them all. Things fell from the vanity as she searched. This wasn't fair!
"No, no, no... How could you!" She raised her voice, stumbling towards Cerpin to try and take away any leftover pills. "Those keep this headaches away, those were supposed to help me!" Polair screamed, getting a strong grip on the purpleblood.
"Those were going to allow me to work tomorrow... They kept me functioning..." She winced and the throbbing pain made her body shake. "They made me numb." Polair's lips trembled as she sank down back on the floor. "Th-those... prevent me from hurting anyone."
"I already threaten so many people.. I could have culled him, I could have culled Deimos. I-I.." She gulped down. "I had my cane up... All I had to do was beat him up mercilessly..."
"I don't want to resort to that again. I just can't."
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 5:46 pm
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His body tensed as she grabbed hold of him before sinking to the floor. It was difficult to keep his cool in this situation but Cerpin had to do his best. This was what it meant to be a captain. He had to take care of his people in hard times. They had to be there for each other. It would be easy to do as she was hoping and leave in a frightened panic, too afraid to get at the heart of the real issue. But he was not the type to give up on anything. He lowered himself down to sit with her, pulling her shaking form into his arms.
"You know, you can do a lot independently but... we can do so much more together. It doesn't diminish your individual capabilities. It strengthens them. Think of all you can teach and learn with others." He smoothed her hair to the side, brushing it out of the way. She had looked so polished and beautiful on stage but the wild free look suited her better in his eyes.
"To be honest, I know that urge to claw and cull. I've attacked Deimos many times when I've lost control of my emotions. Each time, I've felt like an absolute monster afterwards. We're highbloods, we're supposed to protect the lower castes." It was something that kept him up in bed on the rare nights he found himself alone. All the terrible impulses he'd thought and worse, the ones he'd acted on could be overwhelming if he dwelled on them.
"But you can't live in that moment forever. Use it to push yourself forward. It's a reminder of where you started but not your destination. He's forgiven me for all I've put him through, he can do the same for you." He fished around in his pocket to pull out a small disc player. It was worth trying.
"These pills? They're only a temporary solution. You're a smart troll, you know you can't rely on them forever. You'll keep amping the dosage up til you hurt yourself. Try this instead." An earbud tucked into one of her ears as he tucked the other into his own. This was the solace he'd found for his troubles. Perhaps it could help her. With a click of a button, a beat started to play. He murmured along to it, putting a lot of heart into it. It might be an audience of one but it was possibly one of the most important performances he'd done yet.
"Take a moment to think of just... flexiblity, love and trust."
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:24 pm
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Polair remained silent as Cerpin sat next to her, processing-- reflect what he was saying. Could she really find strength relying on others while still remaining independent? She... never thought of it that way. All this time, she thought the more help she got, the more attached she'd get, the more incapable she'd become.
She was surprised he had threatened the tealblood in the past. She never imagined it, really Cerpin was against such things as she remembered. But it was something all highbloods had-- the impulse to cull, to put order. Maybe that's why the caste system is the way it is. It didn't have to be that way, she had always tried to make things different.
Polair hadn't really expected to listen to a song at this moment. She never considered that as a method of consolation but, it didn't hurt to hear it. The song really spoke to her, highlighting how problems can fester and grow into something worse and how she could rely on someone to face them head on. Hearing him murmur the lyrics calmed her some while she laid next to Cerpin. He had such a beautiful voice, she loved hearing it. Polair instinctively got closer, putting her arms around him and giving the purpleblood a little squeeze. It didn't take long for her to join him. Sure she didn't know the lyrics well but it had some charm to it. "Something I did that failed to be charming. Things that I said are suddenly swarming."
"And, oh, I'm losing sight, I'm losing touch." Really, Polair had been worried constantly to be productive all these sweeps and avoid losing time that she had lost so much... Not material but, sentimental. The highblood had been living headless for so long that her body had forgotten why or where or when it happened. All because she had been too focused on her mistakes and handling them inappropriately.
"All these little things seem to matter so much, that they confuse me..." He was the last thread suspending her in the light when she lost her sight. Without Buffel, Polair had felt spiraling downward, falling to a place where she could no longer pull herself back up. Hence why she tried so hard to show everyone how capable she was. Because she feared dealing with something similar. "That I might lose me..."
"Take a moment to think of just... flexibility, love, and trust..." When the song ended, took two deep breaths. Trying to fully regain control of herself. "I..." Her voice quivered as she spoke up, sniffling some while trying to put her thoughts in order. "I never thought I'd become this. That I'd reduce myself to the very image of a highblood my lusus approves of.. and that I detest."
"I regret even considering using those pills Cerpin, I really do. I hate using them." But it seemed the only way to deal with her problems. "Don't even know how to face Deimos, bl... blind or not. I just can't face him. How am I supposed to apologize to someone I wanted to cull? I can't... think of a way to do so."
Polair looked up, tears swelling on the rims of her eyes. "I can't think of a way to apologize to you Cerpin. You've been so nice and kind to me and... look how I have treated you." The seadweller rubbed her eyes tiredly. Even if she had calmed down, the headache persisted in a lesser form. "I don't know how to move on-- I thought that if I forgot about everything I'd be able to... to forget about people and things that have hurt me. I tried to make them sound insignificant just to keep functioning and look where it got me." To stardom, yes, but at what cost? Deimos was right. She was living a life of denial and fear, that only made her regress than progress.
"I'm... scared. I don't know what to do anymore."
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Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 5:36 pm
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