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 Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2017 7:24 pm
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 5:12 pm
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"Ah... What model did you get? A very good one, yes?" Polair knew the other probably couldn't get the same grade equipment she could afford, but it was nice to know he'd been able to do so. "Me? Not much I suppose, just the usual. Constantly upgrading my equipment, so I am able to register plenty of astronomical information and all." That plus using her drones as her set of eyes. But Deimos didn't have to worry about that. It was her problem, and with all the excitement she forgot about that small and seemingly insignificant detail. "It's a shame it has become harder for me to skywatch without... interruptions." Sure she enjoyed stardom Claud's never-ending praises were calming her anxiety towards him but nowadays privacy was a bit rare. And more since her lusus wasn't planning to leave her career just there. Whatever kept her busy and away from dangerous sciency situations was fine by him. If he found out what she was trying to do here-- she'd be seabear food.
Brushing those thoughts away, Polair came back to reality and smiled a bit. "Sadly it's physically impossible to travel with the heavier astronomical instruments, I'd love to show them to you one of these nights." If, again, she was able to. She really needed to reorganize her schedule, jeez.
"Mm! I agree, everything sounded so surreal. For instance, I was contemplating the other night how the nature of exploration has evolved as troll have gained knowledge and experience. The exploits of Troll Columbus, the first pioneers across the plains, and the early excursions to Busthind came to mind. In each case the trolls involved were going places no one had been before and doing things that no one, or at least not many, had attempted. In each case they had the most modern equipment and techniques that were available to them and in each case we look back and wonder how they were able to do what they did with such bare-bone primitive means. Troll Columbus had only the most basic of navigational aids. We have GPS, sometimes defective, yes but we have one. The pioneers set off in covered wagons pulled by hoofbeasts, and perhaps oxen, to cross unknown miles of harsh landscape. We have had rockets and now the space ladder that will deliver us through the Alternia’s atmosphere to the vacuum of space and low Alternian orbit in what I estimate as eight and a half minutes." Probably more. "The first Busthind explorers wrapped themselves in furs and wool to survive the incredible cold temperatures of the region. We will be given spacesuits for extra-vehicular work that utilizes modern material technology to allow trolls to survive temperature swings of 500 degrees and protect against the vacuum of space while at the same time allowing them enough freedom of movement to perform complicated tasks. Isn't it exciting?!" Polair's eyes sparkled under her bangs and her smile so broad. Thinking and talking about this just got her so moved!
"I mean, knowledge has always been fundamental to all of our achievements and progress and It's both the key and the quest that advances trollkind. The search for knowledge is what brought us to the basic knowledge of space like our solar system; but it took knowledge already acquired to make it possible to get there. As our telescopes probe the depths of space and time, I'll definitely take the time to hypothesize the scale and diversity of worlds even within our own solar system, as this will provide us a humbling sense of our place in the universe. Since, in the long run, every planetary civilization will be endangered by impacts from space, every surviving civilization is obliged to become spacefaring--not because of exploratory or romantic zeal, but for the most practical reason imaginable: staying alive... It took this long to let trolls go back up into space and I'm clearly taking advantage of it. I mean, I'll be able to come up with answers to the big questions: How did the universe began? How was our world created and how did that allowed life to begin in Alternia? As we push the boundaries of exploration further and further, the technology, equipment, and techniques that are required become more and more complex as we develop and test them, use them, and then refine them. The boundaries get pushed more as a result and consequently newer things need to be developed. In the meantime, the previously developed technology gets incorporated into mainstream life. Such is the synergy between the advancement of troll knowledge and the evolution of exploration. They drive each other." Polair took her water bottle and took a sip before resuming. She had a very strong feeling about the whole ordeal.
“At this point I thought 'We'll make it,' by which I meant 'We will survive.' I also was acutely aware that my childhood dream of flying into space will come true.”
"Ah." The highblood's smile faltered as Deimos mentioned seeing things. "Yeah. Probably. It'll be great." Polair couldn't help but sound dry. Though anyone who knew her extremely well would take notice of that tone as it wasn't her usual monotone voice. Was that jealousy she was feeling? Her being envious about the state of her vision compared to Deimos? No, no no! Impossible! She was feel-proof, right? The blind troll felt a knot in her stomach and tried being ignorant about it-- and she would continue, as long as it took. She, wasn't blind. Ridiculous. Ok, she was going backwards. All that progress into feeling even the slightest bit confortable with her blind eyes went down the damn drain.
"Anything in particular that you wish to... see?"
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 6:17 pm
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"Zenith series, I think the number was like... B413 or something." He shrugged a little. Remembering specifics like that was not his strong suit after the task had already been completed. "It's pretty great. Took me a while to save up to get it and everything. But I've already seen some stuff I wasn't seeing before so it was totally worth it." Deimos clapped his hands together, grin widening to the point where it actually hurt his face. He nodded along as she spoke about interruptions - probably due to the SSA stuff? He didn't really want to go into that. "I'd love to see them, I mean, if it's not a bother or anythin'. I don't really got other things to do so I spend most a my time watching the skies anyway." Come to think of it... He'd never seen her hive. Nor any of his friends' hives. Wow.
As she began her rather in depth monologue, Deimos nodded and occasionally added words or sounds of affirmation... He could tell what she was getting at, but did she really need so many words to get it across? Not like he was going to tell her that- if she wanted to talk elaborately so be it he'd just have to keep up. Thank everything he'd taken measures to ensure he got enough sleep before this event or he was sure he would've checked out a third of the way through.
It was becoming clear that her interest in the skies was different from his own- the answers to her questions were definitely of interest... but he was far more interested in experiencing the now of the universe rather than looking at the past. What existed now and was it different from their own way of existing? What undiscovered (or perhaps previously discovered but lost) places would they find when they were finally able to leave for more than just a couple recon missions?
"Ah- I guess I want to see what's visible from off the planet's surface the most. But, if we're not able to actually observe anything visually off the ships then..." He trailed off, humming. "I want to see if we can look at their mapping systems, I bet it's way more advanced than anythin' we got down here an' I'm really interested in knowin' what they got." Dei did not quite pick up on the change in tone - just enough to notice that her word choice seemed... odd. But he wasn't sure what to make of it. "And losin' that kinda knowledge just sets us back y'know? The train of progress you were talkin' about is kinda broken right now with all that stuff inaccessible to the rest a us just 'cause its been up there outta reach for so long. It'll prolly never happen though... Gettin' access to it, I mean."
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Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:35 pm
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Now that-- that he picked up on. The excitement he seemed to have faltered, showing clearly for a few seconds on his face as the smile he'd been wearing faded into a frown, brows coming together in an almost dejected look. At least, until he realized he was making far more of a face than he felt comfortable making, and forced it into something less... obvious. Something was definitely up, but he wasn't sure what. "Ah, right... Paparazzi... I don't have any problems with that, no." He rubbed the back of his head, messing his hair up even more. He'd forgotten she was part of that superstar competition, but that wasn't really what had bummed him out. Of course it'd be foolish to think they'd have a chance to look at anything interesting but... what was the harm in wishing?
"I'm-..." He started, then stopped, something about her behavior was wrong but he didn't know what it was nor did he really know her well enough to ask. Was it even his business? No, not really. "I'm perfectly aware they won't let us actually look at anythin' but it'd be nice, wouldn't it. T'see what sorta stuff they found 'n figure out what to do with it." He stuffed his hands into his pockets, scuffing the floor with one foot. "I guess I just don't see the point in like... not wantin' somethin' even if y'know it's not gonna happen 'cause what if it does an' you weren't driven enough to get it?" He shrugged, looking off to the side at the crowd of other volunteers. He had... ambitions, and maybe it wasn't exactly legal but he wasn't about to let some stupid rules get in the way of them.
"I mean... 'less you're sayin' you know more than the average volunteer here or somethin'." She was a seadweller... if anyone would know more than the average volunteer, it'd probably be her.
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Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 11:33 am
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“I-I..." Her lips quivered, trying to find the courage to say, "I don't know!" How should she know? She could ask, sure, but still some information would be left out. The military sure tried not to step on any seadwellers toes, but they still had some amount of power over them-- over her. "Do you think they'd just tell me? It's not that simple."
Didn't he get it? Didn't Deimos understand how useless and pointless was to wish for things that were impossible? "The time given to wishing for what can't have is not only spent, but wasted. There's no point having wishes because no matter how much you try and chase it, it won't come true. It's not a matter of how driven you are. " One thing about Polair, was that when she used to have a serious wish session, she tried never to wish impossible wishes because the highblood knew a thousand different things did not exist. "I-I mean, why bother to wish it, then? I call that simply a waste of time. What we need now, is to stop dreaming and just focus on whatever we need to do."
She didn't want to be reminded of her past or how different her present was from the future she'd taken for granted. Her body slowly shook as she thought of this. Polair had long ago stopped walking on a road where her dreams walk around. She changed her destination a hundred times if she ever came across an old wish of hers standing there in its real form. I don’t know them. I don’t want to. They too must not know me. They too must not recognize me as their owner. Was all that could go through her mind. "Maybe I expected too much of this... and so have you." She muttered.
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Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 12:00 pm
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He blinked, stunned momentarily by ... was it an outburst? It certainly felt like one to him. It took him a few moments to process- on one hand she seemed to be chastising him for daring to want something that probably wasn't going to happen, on the other she seemed to be lumping herself in with him, yet she was getting on his case for vocalizing his desires... It didn't make any sense, and he didn't know how to react to it. "That literally doesn't make any sense, Polair." He finally got his mouth to work, though he wasn't entirely sure what words were going to come out next. He was aware his tone was probably inappropriate for someone of his caste speaking to a seadweller, but he didn't care. There he was, daring to open up a little and express something important to him, and she had the nerve to chastise him for it. "Progress doesn't happen by sitting around thinking of nothing for the future. Y'can't even start to make progress if y'don't have a desire - a wish - for somethin' to be different. And how would y'even know what needs to be done now if no one was thinkin' about what was goin' on in the future?" He stepped back a little, suddenly wanting to put some distance between himself and her. He paused, internal cogs turning.
"Unless y'mean it's above my station t'be thinkin' like that or somethin'. In which case, I never pegged you for one a those types but wow, thanks I guess. I dunno why you're so keen on rainin' on my parade but I'm not for it, 'kay? If you didn't wanna hear 'bout things I'd like to have happen you coulda just said somethin'. No ********' need to tear into me. And why even bother offerin' to let me see the fancy s**t you got if you're just gonna tell me not to even bother? Real nice danglin' a carrot in my face then yankin' it away at the last second." This was ridiculous- he was getting way too upset but the more he spoke the more emotional he was getting. It was like some kind of floodgate he had no control over. His brain wasn't even thinking about her having lumped herself in with him in the 'wanting too much of this' group.
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Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 1:02 pm
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What?
There she stood silent, eyes wide open behind bangs as she heard the other speak. No, no no-- "NO!" It made sense... Didn't it? Why couldn't he understand? Why did Deimos failed to see the logic behind her thinking? "Having desires and wishes do not compare to having a goal-- a purpose. That's what it's called to make a difference, to change things around you. It is not the same thing. Being emotional about something will always find a way to bring you down, to deviate you from that which you seek. That's what wishing does, it makes you sit down thinking about it whenever it tries to make itself present, setting unobtainable standards that seem obtainable and not letting you do anything about it!" Polair never had raised her voice like this before. What was happening to her?
"It's all it ever does." She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to calm herself down. "Why don't you understand?"
The the tone shifted into a worst one. "I don't judge you for whatever emotional impulses you may have with your wishes, you can feel whatever you want to feel and if you think, I'd just offer you the things I had were just some kind of-- some kind of trick, then you are wrong. I am not like that and I am clearly amazed that you think of me that way when I am not. Unless that's how I presented myself to you in the past." That actually hurt. Did he really took her as that type of troll? Her voice faltered a bit. "You may not know me well, but I do know how it feels to have hopes, wishes and dreams... all to be taken away. I once had a wish and I did more than sit around and hope for it to happen, I did everything I could to achieve to be up in space, but upon an unfortunate series of events those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken. No matter how driven, no matter what I did, I can't get that wish back." She had been rejected far too many times by the scientific community to get back on board her desires. It just wasn't worth it anymore, it seems.
"I don't want you to do something foolish in sake of your 'wish' Deimos. I don't want you to waste time. You might regret it." Honestly, this was all too funny. "But why should I even care, right? You do as you wish. It's none of my business anyways you can think and do as you please." Polair stood straight, hands clasped behind her back tightly as if she tried to suppress any intention of fighting him. "Be careful of the tone you use with me because I am not to be taken as a joke. How would you feel if I took you as one?"
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Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 2:24 pm
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Deimos rolled his eyes. "You're not gettin' it Polair. Y'can't separate emotions from goals as shitty an' annoyin' as they get sometimes, we aren't robots." He didn't get it- did she really think it was possible to live a life devoid of emotion? As much as he hated sharing his, he had never once wanted to live without them. Or even considered it a possibility! They'd be no better that computers or something if they didn't have feelings. "Maybe it does for you, but it doesn't for me. Not for long." He managed to get himself to shut up long enough for her to explain further, but he just couldn't bring himself to give up the antagonized feeling he had. "That sounds like it wasn't somethin' you could help, like, the events were unrelated to the fact that you had a wish. The fact that you had a wish doesn't mean it was always destined for whatever happened to happen, an' givin' up on ever wantin' anythin' in the future because somethin stopped you from that particular dream is kinda foolish to me." He didn't know anything about what had happened, or what she'd been experiencing, so he was effectively talking out of his a** but he didn't care. If she wasn't going to be specific, he couldn't properly rebut her.
"I don't get it 'cause I'm not willin' to give up on things. I ********' lost a foot to bein' sleep deprived but wantin' to see a meteor shower but it doesn't mean I'm gonna give up on pursuing things. My mistake there doesn't mean it's dumb to pursue what I want, just means I gotta take alternate methods to get it. You're talkin' like its dumb to want things because a roadblock happened in one place." Dei ran a hand through his hair, forcing himself to breathe in deeply, and then exhale slowly. He was getting worked up- and so was she, based on the shaking.
"You're right, I don't know you very well. I'm sayin' you're bein' that way based off this conversation right here, right now. You were all excited just a moment ago, now you're tellin' me there's no point in havin' desires? Right after offering to further mine? Don't tell me you're not like that. That was cruel at best. Excusin' it because you got burned by desire is just deflectin'." He snorted, unfolding his arms to wave one. "Oh by all means, threaten me, whatever. I don't think you're a joke, I just don't think you're thinkin' rationally."
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Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 6:07 pm
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"It isn't impossible Deimos. The world is a tragedy to those who feel, so why be driven by something a-as ridiculous as emotions! If I can do it, anyone else can. Otherwise we'd all be at the mercy of our emotions and that's something that will never happen to me." That's how she's been living her entire life. "I'm not putting up with that ever." Don't feel, don't feel... The grip her hand made on her cane tightened as she heard him speak. She wanted to make him stop. "I-It hooks you fast and kills you hard. It's bad news. The worst! Whenever they show up, it's only a matter of time until someone gets hurt." She got closer rather menacing.
"The events happened for the very fact that I felt something for the first time!" She screamed. The feeling of having a duty and sticking to it, the amount of responsibilities, her goals... Anger. When angry, she had to count to four. But Polair was becoming furious. He wasn't stepping down from his high horse. "Trying to build the space tower... trying to help out..." Trying to stop the malfunctions and drawbacks they endured... The chemical spill... The seadweller felt as if she had a rash on her face, which then turned into pain. She rubbed her eyes with her free hand. It wouldn't stop, it felt like the chemicals had entered her optical tissue again. "I lost it all thinking foolishly that could have gotten me so close... and in the end got me far away from where I should have been now!" She wasn't feeling. Suppress, suppress, she needed to keep it down. "All for what? It just wasn't worth it!"
But how could she?
If she had been more in control of her thoughts, Polair would've sympathized for a moment. She would have tried to understand his point of view. Instead that pushed all her buttons at once. He had another way to deal with his situation, she didn't. He could still see, he could still see. Even if he opted for a prosthetic, he could still see. She could not. Emotions have led trolls to do all sorts of things they later regret-like and she wasn't thinking of the consequences. I AM THINKING RATIONALLY.
"I LOST MY SIGHT. WHAT ALTERNATIVES DO YOU THINK I HAVE LEFT?" Whipping her bangs back with every once of rage she had mustered, Polair raised her cane. Wanting to strike the teal with it without mercy. She breathed in and out heavily, trying to suppress-- resist... She needed to stop. "TELL ME!"
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Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 11:51 pm
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If someone told him he'd be giving some vague inspirational speech about how life was only shitty if you let it get to you, he would've laughed in their face. Yet here he was, prepared to do just that. Only... in a fit of anger rather than a desire to really be helpful. Small details. "That's literally only if you let it be that way. You do realize you got choices, right? You don't gotta let s**t suck forever." He actually laughed though at the idea that she was living a life devoid of feeling. His laugh was harsh, forced, and not really humorous but got the point across. "You, living without feelin'? You're shakin' with rage Polair I can see it from here. You ain't livin' with no feelin', you're livin' in denial and fear." If she thought he wasn't going to call her out on that, she had another thing coming.
He wasn't expecting the confession- she seemed just fine without her eyes honestly? But he supposed observing spacial bodies was much harder without vision. Still! It wasn't like she was alone! He stepped back once more to put some more space between him and her- she was much taller and as angry as he was he wasn't exactly keen on physically fighting her in this state even with how angry he was. "You aren't! You're stuck in some stupid spiral because you ain't found a way that works. You're actin' like there can't be any other way to study the world without eyes- you got friends don't you? Use them! They can be your eyes! Or ********' fund the research to make prosthetics if you're so attached to it- you're a seadweller, you sure got the funds don't you? We got tech for ********' everything under the moons. A pair a new eyes should be trivial." He waved his hands erratically as he spoke, voice rising with clear frustration- though he stopped and moved backward further as soon as she raised her cane.
"Don't ********' hit me Polair, it won't go well. Maybe you're just in a shitty mood and takin' it out on me verbally but I won't ********' forget it if you make it physical." He hissed, eyes narrowing. Normally he would've been receptive to a spar or duel, but this... this would be an all out real fight before they were supposed to go into space. Real, actual space-- he wasn't going to miss that for anything. "Save your energy for the missions- if you're so good at livin' without feelin' why're you lettin' me get under your skin so much?"
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Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 6:50 pm
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"I-I..." Words weren't forming right in her head. It wasn't that simple, it looked simple to an outsider sure, but for her, it was more than just getting a new pair of eyes or asking for help. Polair would NEVER ask for help because this was her problem. No one needed to be burdened by her, as she should not appear as weak. Polair was a seadweller.
She was independent.
The highblood couldn't answer. Yes she was feeling, but it was induced by him and the repetitive taunting and pointing out facts made it hard for her to repress the anger.
Polair stood there, cane raised, body shaking slightly as she processed everything she didn't want to hear over and over. Until she snapped out of that torturous trance. Blinking out of her thoughts, Polair breathed in and out almost reaching the point of hyperventilation. "Do not tell me what to do!" Polair tightened the grip on her cane. Bitter anger got the best of her. Ugliness turned inside out and there was a certain satisfaction in bitterness. She courted it. It was standing outside, and Polair invited it in. "You are in no right to speak to me that way! I can cull--"
That when Polair stopped. She was... Could she really do that? Would she cull Deimos for the sake of her pride? Rationality slowly came back to her as she quieted down, making the highblood let go of her cane abruptly, letting it drop on the floor a she took a few steps back. What was she doing...
"This was something I did to myself, a mistake I made." And she would suffer the consequences for such mistake. Getting new eyes would be as bad as forgiving herself for feeling. "It'd be so easy for you to, so easy to be a-a burden and accept others help. I'm sorry but I am not, I repeat, I'm NOT becoming a problem to my friends. I'm not using them as my line of sight because this is not their problem."
Why? Why was she reacting so badly?
"It... It may sound like there's a way around it." She said softly. "But I can't bring myself to become an issue." Polair ran her fingers through her hair, just wishing the ground would swallow her whole right now. She could feel prying eyes staring at their commotion, making her uncomfortable.
"Leave." She said sternly. "Before I change my mind."
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