[FIN] Late Morning Lullaby (Rok & Jal)

[DruidTigeress]

Roknhin wasn't really paying attention to where his legs were carrying him as he made his way through the winding halls of the Lower Caverns. His mind was still in a bed in a weyr, where he'd left E'ion, thinking of all the things he could have said or done to make that not end so badly. How could something that started out so good turn out so wrong? Shells, this is why he shouldn't have gone there in the first place.. Now he couldn't get the look on the greenrider's face out of his mind.

Did he make the right choice? Shells, he wished he could take it all back.. But the same uncertainly he felt now was exactly why it would have been a mistake. He couldn't even say who he was right now, how could he know what he really felt? He rubbed a hand over his eyes tiredly, too weary to think anymore. He just wanted to sleep for a little longer. But he didn't have a room anymore. He probably deserved this...

It was only moments before he arrived that Roknhin realized where he was going. Before he knew it, he was standing outside Jalarus's door. He hesitated. Last time he went looking for a friend, he'd landed himself in this exact predicament. He had precious few friends left that he could go to anymore. Did he really want to risk it?

Please, please let me not screw this one up... He thought, knocking on his friend's door. "Hey, Jal.. You in?"  

[Masterharper]

DruidTigeress

Jalarus almost jumped when someone knocked upon his door. He hadn't been expecting company, and his brows were quick to knit as he slowly picked himself up from his bed. He tossed on a loose tunic, ran fingers through his mop of unkempt curls, and tried to make himself somewhat presentable. While others in the Weyr had fallen into the grips of Uridith's flight, Jalarus had shared the night with a few bottles of wine.

He wasn't ready to participate in flightlust, and quite frankly, preferred to avoid the affair entirely. There were a number of reasons why, but this Turn it was particularly bad. This was the first gold to rise since he'd aged out, and it stung far more than he'd wanted to admit. While baby dragons were a joy, and Jalarus knew that the Weyr and Pern needed them more than ever, he couldn't help feeling bitter. He was out. He'd failed at this task. He'd wanted it so badly... ah, but perhaps that was the problem. He'd fooled himself into having hope. Honestly, the man had to wonder if it wouldn't have been better for him to never been Searched at all. To top it off, the flightlust and passions that gripped the Weyr during a flight only made things worse. He didn't want to wake up with some stranger, or watch them stumble over some excuse to leave as soon as they'd risen. He didn't want to have to remember that none of them were Kharin, and that the first man he'd loved was long gone Between. He didn't want to see new couples, in love or lust, cozying up to one another the morning after, or talking of their passionate exploits. Honestly, he just wanted to be left alone. He wasn't ready to face the day, but it seemed he was needed.

How unusual.

Any grumpiness from sporting a small hangover did dissipate some when Roknhin spoke up. Opening the door, he tilted his head. "Roknhin," he greeted in his usual grunt-like fashion. Jal wasn't really one for many words. opened the door wider, letting Rok decide if he wanted to come in or not.

His room was small but could fit two, almost. The Weyr didn't need to waste space for the likes of him. In it housed a bed, a small table, two chairs, and a chest that doubled as a nightstand. He had crammed a small shelf that was littered with scrolls, a few wine goblets, some knives, daggers, and leaned against it, was one not entirely cheap sword. There were a few more wine bottle, almost all empty, in various places but he didn't much care what others thought.

"Need something?"
 

[DruidTigeress]

Masterharper

Though Jalarus had never given him a reason to doubt his constancy as a friend, lingering insecurity still remained from his morning with E'ion. It seemed like the time between when he knocked and when Jalarus answered stretched on for days. Why did good things always seem to slip by in seconds, but moments like these last forever? Looking back, he tried to slow it down in his head, but even as he played it back in his mind, the whole morning felt like the blink of an eye. He wished he could remember it better. Or pinpoint the exact place where things had started to go wrong.. It seemed like everything before it was being consumed by those final few moments.

He was relieved when the fellow former candidate finally opened the door (alone). It occurred to him, too late, that Jalarus might not be alone. He hadn't been thinking when he started walking here.. He didn't even stop to consider the possibility that Jalarus might have found someone last night. As it happened, though, his friend had succeeded where Rok failed in trying to resist the gold's pull. It looked like he had been drinking, though. Not that Roknhin was judging (in fact, he wished he had one now..) He had no idea what he looked like right now (some kind of state, he was sure) but he knew he had no leg to stand on when it came to slightly disheveled appearance.

Besides which, he was the one dragging him out of bed at this hour.

"Sorry, were you sleeping?" he asked, noticing the rough tone to his friend's voice. He moved inside when Jal stepped back to let him. Faced with a question he didn't really know how to answer, he just lifted his shoulders and shook his head. "I don't know.." he said, laughing breathily at himself. "A place to hide? A hold to crawl into? I could use a job, but that's nothing new.." It hadn't even been two full sevendays since he 'officially' aged out, but he should probably stop malingering on that point. He ran a hand across his eyes tiredly.

"Right now I'd just settle for another hour sleep."  

[Masterharper]

DruidTigeress

Jalarus listened to his friend, shutting the door behind him. He had no idea where the other came from, and wasn't necessarily about to ask. Given what kind of state his friend was in, though, did make him wonder. His friends sounded about one wrong-answer away from a breakdown. He did not speak or interrupt, giving only a grunt now and then so Rokhnin knew he was listening.

While the other spoke, Jalarus pushed a small plate of meatrolls and biscuits at the other. The man was known to stash food when he could-- not because he expected the Weyr to run out, but because having access to decent meals was still astounding to him even after all his Turns at the Weyr. Old habits died hard, and Jalarus felt extra vulnerable now that he'd failed at Candidacy. He knew he was hired on as a lower caverns worker, but he still worried he'd be cut off as soon as the Weyr found a reason. "Not sleepin'; just trying ta fight a hangover," he admitted with a shrug. He reached over and took one of the cold meatrolls, and took a few bites, considering his friends worries.

"Thinkin' you might need this though, more 'n me," he finally added, reaching a long arm over to pick up a half-empty bottle of wine. He'd passed out before he'd finished it the night before. He set it in front of Rok, before answering. "Sounds like you had a rough night."

So it was, the man settled in a chair, and remained quiet. He wasn't sure why Rok had showed up, and also wasn't sure if his words were rhetoric or not. So, he gave a small shrug. "I've got work this morning anyway, so you can stay here if you want or need some peace. Doubtful anyone would think ta look here," he added with a broad shrug. He didn't have much, but what he could offer, he would. He didn't have many friends, but Rok was one of them.

"If you want, I can put a good word in to the Headwoman. There's always work to be had in the Lower Caverns." He knew it wasn't the most glamorous job, but it paid, and allowed him to stay at High Reaches. Jalarus wasn't ready to face life outside the Weyr, though he wasn't sure if Rokhnin felt the same. He knew how hard it was to adjust to life no longer as a Candidate; heck, Jalarus still wasn't entirely over it.

Still, he sat quietly, simply waiting.

He didn't know what had put his friend in such a state, but figured he'd find out sooner or later. Or not. Whatever Rokhnin wanted, really. For now,
the man simply snacked on his cold breakfast, and waited.  

[DruidTigeress]

Masterharper

Roknhin sank into one of the two chairs when he moved inside, resting his head on his folded hands. Only the sound of a plate scraping towards him caused him to lift his head. Even under the circumstances, he still let out a small dry chuckle. Still hoarding food, he saw. He used to do that as a weyrling too, no matter how many times he tried to assure him it wasn't necessary. Honestly, aside from making sure he knew the Weyr wouldn't suddenly kick him out, he just put it down it as an odd quirk and let it be. It was nice have an extra snack around the dorms sometimes.

"Thanks." he muttered, taking one of the rolls. Because Faranth knows, he didn't want to have to go down to the Lower Caverns right now. Or ever. Probably. For at least the next sevenday.. If he'd been reclusive before, things could only be worse now. He didn't want to see people together, as they surely would be on that morning. He remembered E'ion asking if he wanted to down to go get breakfast together too. If he'd taken him up in it, if they'd fled to the comfort of a crowd.. could he have avoided those questions he couldn't answer, the declarations he surely knew were coming? Because that was the worst part, wasn't it? That some part of him must've known it coming, must've known how E'ion felt about him. And yet he went through with it anyway.

"Yeah.." he muttered in response, taking the bottle in his hand absently. Rough pretty much covered it. Gazing at the wine bottle, he suddenly wished he'd come here last night instead. He had a vision of his friend, drinking here alone, while he was out trying to drown his worries in other ways.. "You too?" he asked, almost a whisper.

Jal's understanding silence filled the room as well as any comforting words might. How did he ever end up with such friends, anyway? "Thanks." he said, since he hadn't actually been joking about needing a place sleep. He'd had a vague notion when he came over here that it might be a safe place to stay for a little while, even if it was just at the table, or on the floor. "That would be good actually.." On both accounts. He really needed to get a job. He didn't know what, but he didn't really care. Working as a drudge may not have been the life he wanted, but the Weyr was the only home he'd ever known. He couldn't imagine having to leave it.

He forced a tired smile and folded his arms over the table. "I can just sleep here too." he said with a light shrug. These days he wasn't picky. "What time do you have to leave?" he asked with a just a note of worry in his voice. He didn't want to be alone yet.  

[Masterharper]

DruidTigeress

Jalarus honestly didn't know what had driven his friend here, but he wasn't going to push him to speak. Gold flight stung, and he knew it had to be extra worse for Rokhnin. The man knew he needed to get over his disappointment and move on, try to make something of his life, but it certainly wasn't easy. Between the hard knocks growing up, the death of Kharin, and then failure as a Candidate, Jalarus struggled to find the silver lining. Oh, certainly life could be much worse -- the Weyr spoiled him -- but he still felt a bit like an outcast. He'd lost his place as a Candidate, and had nothing to replace it. Sure, the Lower Caverns were filled with men and women who had walked a similar path as he, or who had never been a Candidate at all, but he still felt different. Still felt like nothing much of anything.

Maybe that's why Rokhnin was here?

Was it just the morning-after blues? An ache knowing that there were dragons out there that weren't meant for them? Loneliness? Despair? Worry?

When Rokhnin did finally speak to him directly, it was nothing more than a whisper. He glanced up from his now empty plate, eyes darting from Rokhnin to the wine and back, before giving a small grunt. He let his gaze drop, and stared at some crumbs instead. It was confirmation enough. He wasn't going to unload his problems and woes -- he'd keep them bottled up best he could -- but it was obvious he'd had his own struggles. "Nothin' a bit of drink didn't help." He finally added dismissively.

When his friend agreed to his suggestion, Jalarus gave another nod. "I'll let 'er know today. It'll get you some marks, and if hired, you do get your own room. It's part of the compensation," he added, hoping that might cheer his friend up a little. While it was practically a closet, it wasn't that much different than the Barracks, except it was private and their own. Sure, rumors circulated from time to time that some would need to double up due to overcrowding, but thus far that hadn't been a problem.

"Wherever's most comfortable." He added with a shrug. He wasn't going to push his friend one way or another; wherever he felt safe, or comfortable, that was just fine by him. "No one comes here but me, 'n I clean it myself, so no drudges to worry 'bout." He added, hoping to assure him so he could relax a bit and not have to worry about overstaying his welcome or needing to leave at a certain time.

"A couple hours from now. Gotta be in ta' help the lunch crowd, and work through the evening meal. I'm not going anywhere yet, unless you want to be alone." He added, brows knitting with concern. He didn't know what Rokhnin wanted right now -- couldn't tell if he wanted space, or friendship, or sleep, or all three. He wished Kharin was here -- his old flame always had a better knack for words and comfort and care; Jalarus knew he was about as comforting as a rock but he'd try, for his friend's sake. At least he'd learned to soften up a little from him before he'd died.  

[DruidTigeress]

Masterharper

Roknhin glanced up in time to see Jal's eyes fall to the table. He nodded silently in understanding, his gaze dropping as well. Obviously, he wasn't the only one with issues. He might have left the barracks sooner, but this would be the first gold flight since aging out for Jalarus as well. In the end, the extra time didn't make a difference. He should have quit being a candidate a turn ago when it was on the edge whether he would make it to another hatching. It was stupidly conceited to think that he could somehow make it when so many better suited candidates had not.

"Yeah, I hear you.." he said softly, taking a drink from the bottle himself. He wished he was drunk right now.. He wished he was drunk last night, at least then he'd have an excuse.

"Sure.. Sounds good.." he muttered, mostly just to fill the silence. Theoretically, that was a great deal. Better than where he was now, in any case. But still he wasn't sure how to feel about it. It'd been a while since he'd had any real marks of his own. Since his sister's death, he'd stopped training seriously in any craft, and he never needed them as a candidate anyway. If he ever really wanted anything, he was happy to work for it in trade, but that was rare. He couldn't even remember having a room of his own... He probably never had. Straight from the crowded creche, into sharing a room with a half dozen foster siblings, to the crowded candidate barracks.

He put his head down on the crook of his arm. Bed or table, it didn't make much of a difference to him. All he wanted was the sweet oblivion of sleep, and the fleeting chance to believe it was just a dream, even if just for a moment. But he was afraid to close his eyes, afraid to be alone with his thoughts the minute he stopped talking. He shook his head. No, I don't want to be alone..

He turned his head slightly, staring at the wood grain of the table. "I slept with someone I shouldn't have," he finally muttered. "I don't know what I was thinking."

 

[Masterharper]

DruidTigeress

Sorry for short lunch-break post.

Though the silence had settled upon the pair, Jalarus had patience in droves. He was never in a rush. Perhaps it was from all the Turns spent bashing stranger's faces in, and having his own bones crunched, that he learned to bide his time. Rushing an opponent was never wise, except in certain scenarios; rushing a conversation was the same.

Thankfully, he was rewarded when Rok finally spoke.

The fact that his friend seemed so panicked over that did surprise him a little, but he wasn't going to judge. He didn't know what the issue happened to be, and had his own hangups when it came to sleeping with others. Obviously, he seemed to regret whatever he did. "Er... You probably weren't thinking?" He gently stated. "I mean, that gold had a might heavy presence last night. It wasn't your fault for finding some company." Faranth knew Jalarus had almost, almost given into finding a companion himself. Flights were the perfect excuse to give into a little pleasure, but. . .Nope. Being drunk on flightlust wouldn't have made sobering up any better. Rokhnin's confession that he'd slept with someone he shouldn't have only confirmed the complications that Jal knew could arise from that route.

"Was it that bad?" He finally asked. He wasn't trying to pry for gossip -- not at all. But he was worried whoever he slept with had run him out, or might cause problems for his friend later.
 

[DruidTigeress]

Masterharper

"I wasn't thinking." he echoed. On that part, at least, he agreed. "That's for sure." It's not like a gold flight forced his hand though.. He could have done something else. He could have had some self control.

He sat up, running his hands over his head again. "No... It's not that it was bad.." he said. Though he smiled inwardly at the apparent worry in his friend's voice. Just the fact that he didn't automatically assume it was his fault was touching. It would've been a fair assumption.

Staring at his hands, he lifted his shoulders, biting at his lip instead of talking. It was suddenly hard to find the right words. Weyrs were usually pretty relaxed about this kind of thing, but Jal was different somehow. He was still hopelessly in love with the same man after so many turns. Roknhin couldn't help but wonder what his friend must think of him.."He.. Uh.. He wanted something more and.. I didn't." he confessed guilty. "I didn't know. At least... I don't know. I should've known. It was a mistake to go there."

It'd be better if he'd just found a stranger to sleep with. He told E'ion that he couldn't be in a relationship right now, but that was a lie. The truth was he would have jumped into a relationship with anyone, just as long as he didn't care about them. What he needed right now was someone to burn, someone who's heart he could break. Because he could see the trajectory his life was on. And he knew whatever came next was going to crash and burn.

"You picked the worst kind of person for a friend, Jal." he joked dryly, as his head fell back on his hands.  

[Masterharper]

DruidTigeress

Jalarus stayed quiet as Roknhin explained his situation. There were still a lot of holes missing -- he didn't know who the stranger Rok had bedded was, and he wasn't going to get nosy and ask -- but it certainly seemed his friend was in misery. He hoped the alcohol would at least help numb some of the pain.

"Well," he finally grunted, "Nothin' wrong with not being on the same page 'n all." From what it sounded like, Rok wasn't feeling the something more. Was it really so wrong? He supposed maybe the other hadn't taken it well. "So was it just a bad partin' then?" Honestly, the large man wasn't sure what the big deal happened to be. Wouldn't it have been better for Rok to admit he wasn't feeling something than to go along blindly or just to spare someones feelings? "Either way, 'm sorry it turned out so bad, Rok. They say flights are s'possed to be fun 'n all, but I don't know. Seems like they're just trouble."

He reached over to borrow the bottle he'd offered his friend, take a swig, and set it back.

He'd had his fair share of bad partings. His ugly mug wasn't usually welcome for long, and guilt for betraying Kharin tended to eat at him. Not that he expected his lover to have cared, not after all these Turns. But Jalarus was nothing if not loyal.

At Roknhin's joke, he gave another sort, and reached out to give his friend a few hard pats on his shoulder. "You don't seem so bad ta me," he added helpfully. "I've been friends with murderers and cut-throats ya know... and I don't think you're quite so cruel as all that. Though," he added with a little bark of a laugh, one his head instantly regretted, "Maybe that says more 'bout my choice of company than anything."
 

[DruidTigeress]

Masterharper

"You could say that..." he replied to his friend's question. The look on E'ion's face kept running through his head on a loop, the way the room had suddenly gone cold. He knew it was his nature to blame everything on himself, no matter what the actual situation was. But that didn't mean it wasn't true in this case. Still-

He ran his hands through his hair. Jal's straightforward and forgiving nature always made it hard to be self-loathing around him. With the initial shock of heartache and guilt fading, and with his friend's encouragement, it was easier to see things clearer now. Enough self-pity. He sat up a little and nodded, a little more lucid now. "Yeah. I shouldn't have messed with it. I usually don't." Of course, until recently, he'd been a candidate, when he simply found it easier and more convenient not to, so maybe that wasn't saying much. "But thanks." he said, sincerely. He knew he was trying to help. His natural inclination not to let people worry about him started to kick in, insisting he try to make it look like it was working.. But weariness won out.

His head fell back on his folded arms. Maybe if he could sleep for a minute he could pretend it was all a dream. So far he'd been operating under the assumption that if he just kept running from reality, one day it would simply go away entirely. That wasn't just with E'ion, either. It was everything. But he knew one day, soon, it was going to catch up.

He mumbled something unintelligibly as Jalarus patted him on the shoulder. It was nice of him to try and comfort him. He might claim he wanted to be yelled at, scolded, blamed. But the truth was this was what he really wanted. Shells, he was so utterly desperate for closeness. It was no wonder he'd made a mistake like that... He lifted his head with a playful grin, resting his chin on his hands. "Well, the murderers and cutthroats were lucky to have you." he joked back gently. He knew a little something of Jalarus's life before the Weyr, but he honestly found it hard to imagine him with such company. He'd always seemed so stout-hearted and honest to him.
 

[Masterharper]

DruidTigeress

Jalarus was glad that his friend seemed to be in slightly better spirits. He was sure Rok was probably still feeling distressed, but sometimes there wasn't much more to be done. Until he decided to face whoever he'd just left again, or decide whether or not he wanted to pursue some sort of thing, there really wasn't much more to do. Jalarus only had so much wine, and even he knew alcohol probably wouldn't really make the situation better. It might dull the pain, but it never truly healed the wound.

He watched as Rok went back to resting his head on his arms. Hm. "Ya sure you don' want ta' crash? Doesn't look like you got up to much sleepin', and I sure ain't gonna' be usin' it. Probably better than the table," he added with a shrug. He leaned back in his chair, not at all put off by his present company, despite his hangover. He could handle a pounding head and sick stomach -- he'd suffered through worse many a time.

When Roknhin looked up and smiled playfully, he gave a little snort and a quick shake of his head. He dropped his gaze to stare more at the half-empty bottle of wine. "Eh... I don't know 'bout that," he confessed. "Din't fit n much with their lot, though I suppose they weren't all so bad." Kharin was a thief and a killer. . . but that was his job. Just as Jal was paid to guard things, and smash things, and fight things, Kharin was good at procuring information, picking locks, and getting valuables not his own. But he was different. Not all the mercenaries he new were bad people... Some just had limited options, and unlucky breaks.

No, Jalarus hadn't fit in much with his old company... and he didn't fit in well here, either. No dragon, few friends... he was a walking jar opener, as far as he was concerned. But it paid marks that let him procure alcohol and a room. For all that he lacked, he technically had more than he'd ever had as a mercenary, but that... That just didn't really matter, did it? He felt the familiar ache, and took another swig of his drink. Wasn't the wine supposed to be for Roknhin? "S'better here, though," he lied. "And I 'preciate the sentiment. S'been good to know ya these Turns." He grinned in his feral sort of way, but his words were entirely sincere.

Rok had been a good friend, one of his only friends, really. And that, at least, was something the Weyr had that no where else did. He might have been lonely, but at least he had a drinking buddy and someone to commiserate with. "You'd better start drinkin' this else I'm gonna finish it," he added, pushing the wine back at him sheepishly.  

[DruidTigeress]

Masterharper

"Ha. You're right." Roknhin said, laughing softly as he pulled the wine bottle towards him. He finished most of the rest with a few long swigs before setting it back on the table. "Yeah.. Maybe you're on to something there." he muttered. Sleep sounded good right now. He wanted to forget everything for just a little while longer. Then, when he woke up, he would start looking for a job for real.

In many ways, he'd been living in a fantasy these last few weeks. Not a very happy one, mind, but the idea that he could go on as he had been, staying with friends, and ignoring the realities of his situation, was as unrealistic as anything. Maybe it took something like what happened with E'ion for him to finally realize that. It was one thing for him to hide from the truth and pretend everything was fine. But when someone else was going to stake their happiness on it, he couldn't just ignore it any longer. He wasn't the sort of person someone like E'ion deserved.

For a long time he'd internalized the idea that riders were the only important members of the Weyr. That if you mattered, if you had any quality or character, you would get a dragon. And if you didn't, well, you could draw your conclusions from there. So he didn't blame his issues on him not getting a dragon. Rather, it was the other way around.

It was a harder view to maintain when he applied it to his friends, though..

"You know, I think the dragons made a mistake with you, Jal." he said, though his voice low and timorous. These were the kinds of things you weren't supposed to say out loud. He always felt there was an unspoken rule not to talk about what they had lost, what they failed to get, one that he was now violating. But he wasn't thinking straight right now. And he couldn't help himself. He shook his head, focusing on the grain of the wooden table "I know it doesn't mean anything to say that now, but I really think they're missing on something."

"You know, I think I will go ahead and crash." he said, abruptly standing up, as though the previous part of their conversation hadn't happened. He put a hand on Jalarus's shoulder, patting it. "Don't work too hard, eh?" he said, smiling again.
 

[Masterharper]

DruidTigeress

And I think we can call that a wrap.

The comment surprised the Jalarus, completely and utterly. He looked up, sharply, with his thick brows knitting. That was about the nicest thing he'd ever been told since coming to the Weyr. The way High Reaches looked at it, it was easy to assume that the individuals in question were somehow deficient.

"Mmph," he grunted. He wasn't going to argue with Rokhnin about it, but Jalarus wasn't entirely sure. Nobody really knew how much of a hot mess he happened to really be, and it wasn't just because he'd aged out. He was just an over grown fraud, who was good at taking direction, and floundering with what to do with his life. All of his life purposes shad been deprived of him -- Kharin, the shot of Impression, even being an mercenary -- who needed them now that Thread returned. Still, the idea that the dragons had somehow been wrong not to choose him...

No. He just put on a good front. It was easier to believe he was the problem, because at the end of the day, he knew he was.

"Well, if that's so, then they made one wit' you, too. Anyway," he sighed, standing up slowly, ignoring how the room spun, and his stomach lurched, and it wasn't just because of the wine. He'd sneak out for some sort of greasy breakfast, and work on getting rid of his hangover. Just another day in paradise. "Rest easy, Roknhin. I'll see you 'round."