Well, I have good news and bad news...

[Saikii]

The good news is my family finally took me to the counselor office. The person who spoke to me says I meet the criteria for a major depression diagnosis. I get to go to vocational rehab, maybe see about getting a job. They may be able to totally cover me until I can get a job.

There's finally a name to the monster. With a proper diagnosis, something official, I could maybe have a little more hope of getting my foot in the door or at least some sort of insurance/income.

Bad news: (in spoilers for people who don't like reading sad things)

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I have to wait for the evaluation. Meanwhile, depression sucks. I'm at this point in my life where I see everyone else's lives taking off while I'm stuck in a farm house, only able to look through a screen to see all the amazing places people can go and the amazing things they can do to just live their lives while I feel like I'm stuck here dying on the inside, living the same day over and over... T~T There are friends I haven't talked to in months. For some unknown reason, I just can't bring myself to talk to them. Then there's this crushing self doubt and it feels like I'm constantly judging myself.I also catch myself lying more often than not when people ask me if I'm okay.

If I could just leave... If I could go anywhere in the world and explore, just... get away from... this... from my small world to something a little bit bigger maybe I would actually feel like I have room to breathe...  

[Saikii]

I like being alive

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I don't like being sad, but I like being alive. I wish that I felt alive. I wish that life was exciting and new. I wish my life didn't currently feel like it was being wasted, stuck living the same day that's just feels like it's been copy-pasted.

I know that true happiness requires effort. I'm not stupid or ignorant in that regard. I know that I should work hard, but that's kind of hard when employers don't give you a chance.

Some would call it lazy, but I'm honestly trying and it feels like I'm going crazy. I feel like I've been left behind. Am I out of my mind maybe, but sometimes I welcome the reprieve and feel relieved, cause it's a lot less quiet up there than I care to admit and that makes me upset.

Sometimes I like to just be happy and forget that I'm upset. I want a goal and something I can strive because it may not seem like it, but I'm happy I'm alive.

 

[Saikii]

I'm in a better mood today. 3nodding