Moira B. Mac Loughlin // Mom 2.0 // APPROVED

[Tasinei]

Moira Bedelia Mac Loughlin
MOM 2.0

When their dad died two years ago Moira's mother begged her to return home to help with not only the newborn twins but also with her other brother. She decided to put her life and school on hold while she returned and played second mother to her siblings. Since then she's taken odd jobs as a virtual assistant or translator to work from home and help out her mother financially. She's probably the most mature 20 year old you've ever met with a calmness that is pretty scary and a never ending patience. On the other hand, she is extremely defensive (lord help that child that bite her brother once), she also has trouble of letting go and having fun so people often think of her as a quiet hermit who only steps out into the world when the groceries need to get done. Friends? What are friends.

UNWILLING HERMIT

Moira’s troubles all stem from her inability to let go of her home responsibilities even if it was just a little. She blocks herself from doing social things or even going out of her comfort zone. She wants that dream job but can`t seem to make it to the end of the registration for a program at school. She wants to be able to move out again and have friends who aren`t below the age of five, she wants to go to school and get a real job, but she holds herself back and she`s never really made a life plan for herself. or really, put a serious thought into where she`s going in life. She just needs to put her responsibilities aside for a little while and think and make plans that don`t involve playdates.

NO SMUDGE, NO SMEAR

People stop to ask Moira how come her lipsticks stays on after all the kiss's she's given the bobo's or how come she never has to reapply foundation or powder? It’s just a thing that she has going on that she's never given a second thought to; her makeup never smudges, smears, or runs. Even when she forgets to wipe it off, the next day she will wake up and she can go out because it will look like she just applied it five minutes ago. What’s her secret?

ANYTHING ELSE?

 

[Silverah]

Tasinei. Darling. Great ideas at work here. Got some format issues. Your titles? Placeholders. Replace 'em with your own words. Aleksy here's a good example of what you're aiming for.

Having some trouble with your high concept. Great name. Blurb seems a bit unfocused. Doesn't support the idea - you know? Not getting the casual or the chic. You might wanna reword one or the other. We're looking for harmony. Flow. Feng Shui. If your high concept and your description don't match - that's bad juju.

Nice trouble. Got a good sense of Moira's central conflict, but you could maybe... punch it up? I need oomph. Pizazz. What's her struggle? If Moira's a recluse but okay with it, where's the beef? Troubles. Flaws. They're not the same thing. Troubles drive change. What don't you like about your life? What are you doing to sabotage yourself? What are you gonna do about it?

Power. Good start. Needs some adjusting. Can't apply makeup perfectly - too internal. Dreamer powers are quirks of fate. Coincidences. Unlikely things. They're not learned skills. Mascara never running, eyeliner never smears, lipstick still fresh after a 12-hour day? That's a dreamer power. Putting it on right? Nope.

Look this over. Clean it up. Let me know when you're ready or another look.

PS - please don't submit Riser powers in your anything else section. I can't approve a power that is not correctly written as a power. Based on how you've described this, I can't say whether or not it would be overpowered - I will not approve Moira's profile while this is included in it.  

[Tasinei]

Silverah

And fixed!  

[Silverah]

My team? Really impressed with your changes. Say they bring the whole profile together.

Power. Still needs a little work. Reading too much like she always applies it perfectly. Focus on staying power, not how she puts it on.

Got a couple spelling and grammar issues. Won't stop me from stamping this, but review it. Focus on the details.

Quote me back when you're ready.  

[Tasinei]

Silverah

Reworded her power again, hopefully it sounds better biggrin

Also I -think- I got all those dang typos!

 

[Silverah]

=APPROVED=

 

[Bronze Coffee]

Tasinei