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No, it's not normal. People might like to think it is and they want the rest of us to just deal with it, but no. The way your boyfriend treats you shouldn't change depending on who he is around. Doesn't matter how long he's known them, doesn't matter if they're just as important, you don't just change how you treat people, and I mean people in general. It wouldn't matter whether you were his girlfriend or not, it's not right to treat you differently. You're supposed to be important too, and if it's upsetting you then he needs to reflect over what he's doing and stop doing it. If he can't ever treat you two equally when he's with both of you, then he needs to fix that. Honestly, it's a good and bad thing that he doesn't deny it. Like he isn't going to hide that he's doing it, but he also knows he's doing it, and gives you a piss poor reason for doing so. So while he's being honest, he's still being an a*****e.

I suppose you'll just need to talk to him more about this, and if he's not willing to have all the people in his life equal with each other, then just stop putting forth the effort. This is always going to be an issue for you if he keeps treating his friend better than you just because he's known her longer. This isn't something you can just deal with (and you shouldn't have to either). You can't really stay happy with someone if something they do is constantly going to upset you.

I'd like to know, how do you personally feel about this girl? Is she an okay friend? Does she realize herself that he's treating her better than you when you're both with him? And if she does, does she care? Would you mind if he hanged out with her without you around? I would like to suggest that he just not hang out with you two at the same time if he's going to continue doing this. Keeping you two on separate hang out times might help. I wanted to suggest this as well (instead of just breaking it off) because I'm sure you want more options, but if he's not willing to change what he's doing, then this is the only other thing besides dealing with it or breaking up.

I think at this point, there really is only one thing you can do.

It just sounds like he's getting worse. At first he's treating his friend better than you, and now he's going behind your back to flirt with his ex and talk about you. He's pretty much openly flirting with his ex, since he's not doing much to stop you from finding out. Even after you know, he just starts an argument with you, I suppose trying to act like it doesn't matter that he went against your wishes and is being flirtations with another girl, his ex of all people. She even knows you know, and doesn't really give a crap, and he obviously doesn't either if he's continuing to do so. I wouldn't know how much longer you're going to be able to stand being in this relationship.

On one hand, he doesn't respect you, and just plain doesn't care about how you feel. On another, you don't trust him and get into his messages without him knowing to find more reasons why you shouldn't trust him. This isn't healthy and it's not good. There really isn't much of a reason in trying to be with someone who doesn't care about you, because from what you've told me, it sounds like he doesn't. If he wants someone else, then he can have someone else, is how I see it. I think if this continues, he might just end up cheating on you entirely. If this gets to a point where he knows you can't see what he's doing, who knows what else they'll start saying to each other.

It's not fair to you for him to put all this effort into treating others better than you and flirting with another woman despite how you feel, and then gives you the short end of the stick, argues with you, and sends you to the point of hysterics because of his actions. I think at this point I would definitely just recommend leaving him, he's not good for you and isn't even trying to be.