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Honestly. It hurts. Like hell. And I'm usually the strong kind of person.
I love him with all my heart. And I think it's appropriate to say that about my fiancé. Or ex now.

We were engaged.
We had a fight yesterday when he chose to be with his childhood friend who happens to be a female and thus canceled our plans. I got really mad because it wasn't the first time he's done that. I felt jealous and so mad that when he said he's ready to come here at 11pm I called his friend a b***h but then I explained him why I felt that way and we made up.

Then we started talking about my studies. They might require me moving away. We've talked about this a lot too. As we are both jealous types long-distance relationship can not be considered. So we agreed on breaking up. And after studies maybe getting back together. Like they say in the movies "if you love them, let them go. If they come back to you, they're forever yours."
And he said he'll come get his stuff today.

So he came, but ended up talking to me. He said he's never loved anyone this much before and he'll come with me if I leave. At first I of course said I don't want to be in a way of his dreams. Then he said he's not sure about his career anyway.
Then after cuddling for a while he started re-thinking and brought the subject up again. I said if he doesn't get accepted there I won't go either, I'll stay with him. And he said I can't do that and that this isn't working, packed his stuff and left me here crying.

I don't understand. How could he leave his fiancé which he's supposed to think of a future with, just like that? Saying stop crying and such.

When he left I did say this is the last time I'm going through this and gave him my engagement ring.

And then we texted.
I was furious. I sent him mean texts. I guess I wanted to hurt him as much as he did me..
I said I hope he's happy because I've never been this hurt before by anyone.
He said he's hurting too and he's regretting but hoping he made the right decision.
To which I said I never want to see him again and that I regret the whole relationship and that I never was even sure about moving since I don't know what I want to do as my career either. Then I also said that I'll never be getting back together with him because it would just end the same.

I know what I said was wrong and I didn't mean it, but I was just so angry and sad at the same time. And so disappointed in him.

He said he regrets this decision and to be completely honest he hates himself atm but he would do anything to make me happy in the future even if it costed this. And that he knows he can never get anything done and doesn't want his problems to be in my way.
I said all I needed was his support, but it's too late now.
He apologized and I said I'll never forgive.

Then he probably went to bed.
But during the night I sent him 2 texts.
First one said
"I hope you know that relationship takes and gives.
Your "I'll break up with you so you can be happy" sounds like and excuse.
And of course when in a relationship the problems are mutual, what did you think? You're supposed to share them.. And if you're not ready for that, then you're not ready to be in a relationship at all.
But I never imagined you could do like this."

The second one said
"Okay I was furious in the first messages, but for a reason.
After making up you could leave your fiancé just like that.
A person who you're supposed to think of future with.
In previous message all were facts though.
How did you think breaking up with me would make me happy?
or that I could focus on school or anything after that?
That's why it sounds like an excuse.
I love you. I have never loved anyone this much before. That's why the pain is the worst I've ever experienced as well. But even if I could forgive you, I don't know if I could ever trust you again but just be scared that you'd decide it's not working out, pack your stuff and leave me again."

I don't know what else can I do.
I miss him, but at the same time I hate him for what he did.
I'm no angel either. I said rude things to hurt him..
It was my pride speaking obviously.
I'm just so broken.

No. Well kind of, but because I might be going.
It's just that I find this relationship, okay ex relationship and *found more important to me, because I can always get more education later. And since I don't know what I want to do, I could find another one here. (I'm quitting on my current one) I didn't want to throw everything we had away for schools. (by the way, we are talking about vocational institutes)
You're right though. I am not thinking clear right now. I guess I am still a little shocked.

We planned it like that though. Engagement as a promise to marry, but marriage after schools and getting jobs.

Thank you. emotion_hug
It's just so hard to let go of the one you really loved for the first time.

♥♥ Likewise i could never give up my boyfriend though he had said or done really nasty stuffs to me.
And we always end up making up, he would apologize to me. Promising he wouldn't do or say nasty things anymore.
But each time he loses it, he'll vent it out on me.

So came a time, i decided it's time to put an end to this. I was so heartbroken and disappointed. The entire night i cried.
Then i confronted him and decided to tell him how i felt all these time. I made myself clear that that was going to be the last and i'm ready to leave.
But deep inside i know he's the one i really love. I couldn't bear to.
And again, for the final time, he made his promise. He said he will never do those things to me, ever again. He'd change.

Now each time we start quarreling. He would calm himself and talk to me.
I can see the change in him now. I guess he has finally learnt his lesson.
Though at times, trust could be an issue when i remind him of the stuffs he did in the past. But i believe we would make it somehow (:

I think you two should really talk things out. Let him know how hurtful it is each time he gets insensitive.
And ask him what he exactly wants. To be with you and make you happy or not.
If he can reassure you that he would not leave you. He will be there for you.
Tell him what change you expect to see in him. Cause you know time to time guys can get really insensitive.

Else he can't promise that, it's best you let it go early girl. Before this on / off relationship lingers on, things may get ugly.

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