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 Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 7:07 am
The tent was somehow smaller than he remembered, but still with the same simple arrangement of furniture and belongings as he had left it. There was a rather crudely erected wooden bed with slats and a straw mattress on top, a thin blanket, and a few pillows. Beside the bed was a small end table where his fan usually rested, and beside this a small, nearly empty dresser. His closets back on the Isle of Conquest had been filled to the brim with a wide assortment of clothing, brightly colored fabrics in shades of blues and greens and reds and golds, hundreds of accessories, hair pins, jewelry, rings and necklaces. A near endless supply of things to wear, things he prized.
Now all he had left was a few spare outfits donated by the last remaining members of Conquest.
Mengyao had not seen Lifen since he had returned from the Haunted House, and this had been purposeful on his part. He did not quite know if he could bear to see her, not when he remembered everything that he had done, when he had attacked her so viciously and without remorse. Her and Lan both, and that other Conquest member whose name escaped him.
The weight of his guilt pressed down upon him like a crushing blow. He stood in his tent with his hands tucked into the sleeves of his robes, but every so often his fingers twitched, itching to grasp something he no longer had.
He had lost the fan - his precious fan, given to him by the one person he would always be desperate to see but never would. Mengyao could not quite believe that he had lost it, but he had, and now that added to the guilt already seeping into his heart.
He wished for peace and had gotten war instead.
Stepping towards the bed, he took a seat on the edge of it, staring down at his hands. They were as grey as ever, the marks of insanity spreading up towards his wrist, but he was not stone, he was no longer the statue, or the one lost to the insanity.
But it was still there, ingrained into his mind. The whispers were never truly gone, and it had been foolish to believe otherwise.
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Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 7:36 am
Lifen had tried to give him the space that he had requested. She had respected his wishes for a short while after finding out that the one she had been pining to hear had been fine - having lost his tracks when they had pelted him with the vials and talked him through the trauma. She had forgiven him, a couple times, but yet he withdrew from the society for a short while, which was expected.
She could wait no longer, feeling that they had to talk. She had to make sure that he was alright, she couldn't think straight knowing that he was somewhere in the mesh of tents worrying himself - she imagined his seemline of his sleeves were worried frayed already, and seeing as she could still hear the voices - whispering at the edge of her mind - he would be inflicted with the same voices too.
Beyond that, she had healed up well enough, with the exception of a bandaging around the gash in her arm she had received, which was cleaned daily and would not detriment her. She figured she had gotten out well enough.
Taking the few steps toward the room that were standing in front of her, she cleared her voice, as quietly and dainty as ever, hands wrapped around a gift behind her back.
"Mengyao . . . are you here? I need to see you for a short moment, if you would have me." She asked, making her voice as light and delicate, hoping he would be swayed by a sincere request.
Lifen just wanted to see that he was okay. Worrying the gift she had behind her back, she stood, waiting as patiently as she could.
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Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 7:51 am
At first he didn't hear her voice, lost within his own thoughts. It was just another of the whispers creeping at the corners of his mind, just another voice to add to the many that were already inside of his head that he would never be rid of.
But then she spoke again, and this time Mengyao heard her clearly, and he glanced up, clearly startled. He could see the slight form of Lifen outlined just outside of his tent, and an anxiety began to form in his chest, a sense of almost panic but not quite. He stood up abruptly, intending to move, to hide, anything to get away, but he knocked into the bedside table in his haste, and the pitcher of water that he kept there fell to the ground and shattered, spreading water across the floor.
There was a moment of silence following this.
Slowly Mengyao exhaled a breath he had not known he had been holding. There could be no avoiding her now; he had already (stupidly) made his presence known, but perhaps if he told her he was ill - no, but then she would want to make sure that he was all right. It was in her nature to be concerned, but he did not deserve that concern right now.
He wished the whispers would desist.
Absently twisting his hands together, Mengyao made no move towards the door, but instead sat back down on the bed, looking down at the grey on his skin.
"...not now, Lifen," he said quietly, and even just her name made his heart ache, his chest constricting painfully. He wanted to say I will always have you, but he did not know if that were true and he could not bring himself to form the words.
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Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 8:04 am
Had he wandered off when she finally got the nerve to break his solace? She wouldn't put it past her, he was usually the kind to busy himself when he was unwell or overwhelmed, trying to think past the issues. It wasn't until heard shuffling and the inevitable smashing of what appeared to be a water pitcher, sending droplets of water cascading under the doorway and against her feet, making mis-matched eyes peer down to her feet. Was he okay?
Taking a few steps closer, she waited to see if he would answer her, worry started to show on her eyebrows, which were pinned up curiously. After a moment, she caught the small soft words, his voice, making her stop short.
Not now?
"Ah." She could only voice out at first, eyes downcasting a bit. He had never turned her away without a good reason. Well, usually they were not the best reasons anyways, their differences in perspective, at times, making it justifiable for her to push forward. This was one of those times.
"Then, forgive me for barging in on your domain." She announced, pushing the veil of his room with her free hand, stepping over his threshold of a sort, gold and red eyes stern, with a comforting look as she peered down to him sitting on his bed. She would not fail in making him feel a little better.
"I have something for you, I think it is important that you receive it before you turn me away again." She stated, boldly, pleading him a little with her eyes to allow him this one moment.
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Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 8:29 am
He hated the sound that she made, the small noise of flat understanding that he did not want to see her. He hated doing this to her, hated not seeing her because it was hurting inside, but it hurt to see her as well. There seemed to be no way out of this tunnel he was in, no way to make things easier, or better, or less awful than they currently were.
Mengyao hated himself for being the way he was.
He sighed with both relief and disappointment when there was a long pause, thinking that she had left, but then her voice came back through the thin walls of the tent, and before he could say anything, or make himself scarce (not that he could, as there was only one way in and out of his current living space - a ghastly irritation), Lifen had pushed aside the flap and stepped in, a look of determination on her pale face.
He had not seen her in some time, longer than he liked, longer than he was used to. Her face was as light as always, but perhaps a bit thinner, with darker circles beneath her eyes and what seemed to be a bandage wrapped around her upper arm. Mengyao's eyes flickered towards it, a stricken look in his gaze, but he quickly moved them away and looked back at her.
"Lifen," he said. He had stood up hastily when she had entered, and now he backed away steadily until his back had pressed against the little dresser. He stood stiffly, his heart hammering in his chest, and wondered if he could get her to leave.
But he was too tired and in too much pain to be his usual arrogant self.
"...Lifen, not now," he said quietly, closing his eyes briefly and shaking his head. His hair, usually pinned up so immaculately, was free around his shoulders, the dark locks swinging. "I do not wish to see you right now."
The words hurt, and he couldn't look at her.
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Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 8:42 am
Watching the taller horseman retreat from her was a little hurtful, bowing her head a little when he moved, pressing his back against the dresser. She grabbed the gift with both hands now, behind her back, spinning it lightly. She would give him this and be done with it until he was willing to talk to her again. It was easiest this way, she figured, seeing as he was looking at her like a stricken animal, and she didn't want to harm him more than she had already with her presence.
Pulling both hands from around her back, she held the fan up to her mouth lightly, eyes looking down at the ground, tapping the gift lightly against her lips once as she thought of what to say. "I figured I would at least return it to it's owner." She finally stated after a short moment.
"I . . . " she hesitated for a short second, "caught it when it dropped from your person, brought it back, repaired and cleaned it. I know it is very important to you, so I figured I would give it back in person." She finished, nodding a little and looking back up to him, hoping he would have at least allow her this moment.
"Please do not turn me away, for this." She asked after another short moment, turning the fan lightly in her hands.
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Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 9:35 am
The expression on her face pained him, but he couldn't break, couldn't let her in. He had spent his entire life keeping most at bay with his carefully constructed, cavalier attitude and his disdain for those lower than him, to the point where he had spent so much time on it that it had become ingrained into him, into his beliefs, into his sense of self.
But Lifen was different. Lifen had always been different, and he had always known it. He had not done anything about it, but he had let her stay by his side, had let her get under his walls, had let her become the one person in his life that he truly could not live without.
And look at what he had done to her, to Lan, to everyone. He could not bear it if he hurt her again.
Mengyao did not notice Lifen pull the fan out, as his eyes were resting on the floor, but he heard her voice, slightly muffled, and it took every ounce of self control not to look at what she had. He did not deserve gifts, he did not deserve anything at all.
"...when you dropped it from your person."
...what?
It did not sound like she was talking about something new, but in fact, something...old...something lost, that she had found, that she had restored...Mengyao's head snapped up, his eyes wide -
- and there it was, right in front of him. His precious fan, the one given to him by his little sister, the only thing left of what had once been his home. He stared at it for a long moment, hardly daring to believe that he had not lost it, but then his expression turned stricken, and he dropped his gaze again, teeth clenched together.
"I don't deserve that. I can't - I don't - "
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Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 3:55 pm
"I figured you would say something like that." She stated after he started to talk again. She wasn't here really to make nice, anymore. She had respected his desire to stay by himself after they had returned, and she accepted that it was going to happen, but now he was here in front of her and it pained her to see him like this.
Taking the steps that seperated him, she turned her gaze up to his stricken face, allowing her emotions to show through. Taking one of his hands, she placed it on the handle of the fan, pushing his fingers to curl around them as she placed pale hands on them. Sighing as she looked down.
"You are the only thing I have left, do you remember?" She asked lightly as she looked down at his greying hand. "Also, the first to know that I am the way I am." She said even quieter, placing a hand under her gold eye, sighing. "What would I do, if the person who I trust the most, does not wish to see me anymore, about something I have already forgiven him for?" She asked him lightly, unsure if he was listening or not anymore. She just needed to get it off her chest.
"But if you truly want me to leave you alone, I will." She finally deciding, sagging a little in front of him, showing that she really did not want to leave.
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Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2012 9:24 am
She wasn't leaving. He should have known that she wouldn't. Lifen was the one person in his life who had stayed with him throughout his entire life, had never faltered, had defended him when he did not deserve it, had chastised him when he did, had always been an ever present figure in his otherwise meaningless life.
Mengyao's eyes flickered once to Lifen's as she stepped closer, close enough that there was hardly space between them anymore. His breath quickened, his heart clambering in his chest, hating himself, but Lifen took his hands and in it she placed the fan, curling his hands forcefully around the handle. It felt familiar in his palm, like an old friend that he had missed, and Mengyao closed his eyes, the pain of Lifen's quiet voice washing over him.
He could not lose her. Not after everything he had already lost. Seeing his little sister in the fog had not helped - in fact, it had made it worse, had made his heart seize inside of his chest, had made him feel more hollow than it was possible. In the space of only such a short time he had broken more than he could ever attempt to fix.
So why was he here now, and not consumed by the Insanity that had done so before? Lifen was here, she was real, she was not a figment of his imagination. She would always be here.
He could not see her consumed as he was.
The fan dropped from Mengyao's hands as he slid them around Lifen's waist, pulling her towards him, and his lips had found hers, pressing against them in a kiss, curling the horsewoman against his chest.
He did not know how long they stayed like that, but after a moment he pulled back, and his expression was pained, one hand rising to cup Lifen's cheek, stroking trembling fingers down her pale face.
"I can't do this without you," he whispered, and kissed her again, feeling as though he were breaking apart. "Please don't ever leave me."
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Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2012 12:15 pm
Waiting for some kind of response felt like holding her breath for a long time, watching him quietly with red and gold eyes. She had nothing she could say to further argue her side as he mulled over it internally. It was a little saddening to watch him, but she wanted to give him his space, he was fragile at the moment and she was fully aware.
What she wasn't expecting was for him to drop the fan. Turning her head, she experienced a short moment she looked down to watch it fall, before hands slipped around her and she found herself in his embrace. Turning her face up again, he captured her lips in a soft kiss, and for an almost endless moment she was held there, eyes closed and just embracing the interaction before he pulled back, a slow sigh escaping dark lips.
That was all she needed from him, she decided. This was something she would protect with her life, as she had before. If he was lost again, she would bring him back, even if that meant hitting him again with glass vials.
Thinking of a good way to express herself, she made a soft sound as he kissed her again, she gave him a little nod, before finding the right words.
"As long as you want me by your side, I will be here." She stated, voice as quiet as his own, looking up to him sincerely. "I promise." She finished, leaning her face lightly in to his hand at her cheek, closing her eyes lightly.
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Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2012 10:35 pm
It was pathetic, really, how dependent he was on another, even if that person was Lifen. Mengyao had spent most of his life learning to be self-sufficient, teaching himself that there were those below him and those above him and that it was both necessary and proper to act in ways according to that hierarchy.
But Lifen was not a part of that hierarchy, and never had been. She was, simply put, just Lifen, and she had always been an integral part of his life that he could not do without. He had never fully understood the depths of his feelings towards her until this moment, remembering everything that he had done to her, to Lan, to everyone.
He could not bear to think of what it would be if she hated him.
But to Mengyao's eternal relief, she did not push him away when he kissed her, but rather kissed him back, and the warmth spread across his face, his fingers brushing over her cheekbones.
"I will always want you by my side," he said quietly, and took her hand, kissing her fingertips. "You are the one person who I cannot bear to lose, even if I myself am lost."
He hoped one day it would never come to that. Mengyao dropped his head and kissed Lifen's closed eyes, first the red, then the insanity-inflicted gold, his thumb rubbing her cheek. His other arm was around Lifen's waist, holding her close, as though to let go would be a mistake.
"Thank you," he whispered, and to his eternal shame and horror, his voice broke. "You are precious to me."
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Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2012 12:32 pm
It was impossible to hide the colour that showed her on her pale skin, hearing the words coming out of the taller horseman. How he came to affect her so much with them was beyond her, but she couldn't complain - his affection was . . . comforting.
"Then we are of like mind." She answered as he kissed her eyes, the motion eliciting a small laugh from the horsewoman, breaking away the worry that had been building in her chest from the actions of the taller horseman, when she had sought him out.
Pushing herself up to her tip toes, she lightly tugged on man's collars to pull him in to another soft kiss, one that she could initiate herself, before leaning her forehead against his, teetering a little on her toes.
"I think it is safe to say I have proven my ability to be persistantly in your life, mm?" She asked him lightly, knowing the answer already, but her soft smile was still on her lips, showing the light feeling of the question. After the short moment, though, she gave him a little nod, opening her eyes to watch him for a moment before speaking again.
"You are precious to me, also, Mengyao. I do not know what I would have done if I had lost you in the fog. . ." she trailed off, giving a worried look, as if something were to happen and he had left again, whisked away by the grey tendrils they had been walking through prior. As the thought fleeted away from her, pale hands lightly gripped a little further, as if expecting it.kurotomato In ur rp, giving u feels.
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Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2012 7:28 pm
He could not help but love seeing the color in Lifen's otherwise pale cheeks; the stain of red against her near translucent skin, and his thumb brushed affectionately against her cheek, feeling the warmth against his hand. And when she stood on her tiptoes, tugging on his collar, Mengyao obliged her, leaning in and closing his eyes, her lips soft and reassuring against his.
He could not say for certain how it was that he felt about her, other than the truth that he had spoken aloud - "you are precious to me" - and even if could put his feelings into words, he was not sure that he would have said them. It felt as though saying it would break the spell, would cause something to happen that he did not want to. He was, perhaps, afraid; wary of losing the one thing that he could not bear to, that he would be unable to bear. These gestures of affection, these words of affirmation; they were all new and foreign to him, which was why they were not often said or done. For someone who had little trouble in expressing how he felt to those who were beneath him in status, Mengyao Miao had a surprising amount of difficulty in communicating properly with those he held most dear.
He felt her fingers tighten on his arms, and he closed his eyes, feeling the sickening swoop of shame and frustration welling in the pit of his stomach. What had happened in the fog was a haze, a blurry, messy, angry, nausea-inducing haze that made him ashamed of his own self, of what he had done. And to think that she had been frightened for him, not of him, though he had done little to deserve it.
"Lifen, I..." Mengyao started to say, but the words would not come, and he made a frustrated sound like an angry cat. Silently he linked his fingers through Lifen's, moving towards the bed where he sat down on the edge and drew her near him to stand in front of him. This way they were rather eye-level and he did not have to look down to see into her eyes. His hands held both of hers, as though he were afraid to let go.
"I am...sorry...for what I did...to you," he said, the words coming out jerky and uncertain, blotches of red appearing on Mengyao's face. "I was - that is to say - "
He hated himself for succumbing to it.Nerpin I love ur feels have some 4 u 2
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 3:37 pm
Watching the emotions flick around the taller horseman's face as he thought about the situation at hand, it felt like a very long time before he closed his eyes and swayed a bit, her name making the little artisan perk up a bit before he made an unnatural sound and took her hands, sitting down in front of her.
Looking down at him - for now he was the one who was of lesser height when he sat, she softly rubbed his hands with her thumbs, a calming movement as she allowed him to find his words. There was no gain in attempting to rush him in this, and when he finally spoke, the sincere reddening that flushed over his face made her smile just a little.
"You do not have to apologize, it could have happened to either of us, as I have said before," she started, before tiling her head a little, knowing that he was trying to clear his demons as well as the issues between them. Leaning forward, she allowed her forehead touch his lightly, closing her eyes again. "But, I forgive you, Mengyao. For what happened. I do not blame you." she finished, leaning back again to look down to him.
"If anything, can we promise that if . . . it happens again the future, to either of us, the other will try to find a way to bring the other back, or . . . " she trailed off, eyes deflecting for a moment and hands squeezing his a little, "Attempt to end the suffering of the other?" She offered lightly. It was all they could do, if the possible situation came true, even if she did not want to think of the outcome. She would be lost without her childhood friend - well, she supposed he was more than that now, wasn't he.
"I cherished you enough to hunt you down, so I hope you would do the same for me." She offered, lightly, giving him a little smile during the statement. She was not going to admit she gave Lan the glass vial to throw at his head, though.kurotomato omg tank u for the feelz, have some to place on your mantle, teehee.
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