Welcome to Gaia! ::

When things distracted Lan she had two methods to dealing with them. One, was try to find a way to tolerate them. The best example she had of this was how Mengyao would always have his fan. Oh she could try to remove it, or hit him with her own, but the end result was he would still have his fan, and he'd still wave it around. So, she had learned to tolerate it to a point.

The second way Lan dealt with distractions was by removing them. Permanently. The best example was a minipet that had once refused to learn to obey and had constantly gotten in her way for no reason. Getting rid of that mini had been easy.

Getting rid of Soren however, was not quite possible. She liked Soren. She liked Soren in a way that made her feel guilt over what she had until recently, loved. He was distracting to her, worse, he was kind to her. Kind in ways that left her confused to his intentions. Lan was not used to acts of kindness without someone seeking recompense. Compliments were to be taken at face value, but when they came from a man who rarely spoke at all, what exactly did that mean? He confused her, distracted her, and made her want to cry and scream and then want to be held. Soren was a distraction, one she couldn't tolerate or adapt to, one she couldn't remove or get rid of.

So, Lan was stuck, conflicted about her own feelings, and why she had them. Conquest she told herself, did not shy from adversity. It did not hide away and hope what caused distress would simply vanish. And yet another thing, she didn't want Soren to vanish. Oh she had an inkling to what she felt for him, which only made it worse. Still, she had to confront him. It was better to seek the battle than never rise to the challenge. There was no honor in cowardice.

Finding Soren was not the hardest task, the guardian's description easily marking him out from a crowd. Easily making him one others might point her to. When she found him it was to her one of the worst possible states. He was handsome, yet another reason why he was distracting. A large reason actually. She kept behind a tree, trying to hide what she know was her face turning red. "Soren." Her voice carried a strength she doubted she even had. "Have I come at an indecent hour?" Please say yes.

She tried not to let her shoulders slump when he said that he was not busy. It was a fool's hope really, she should have known better than to expect different. Oh she would bet money he had other things he could be doing but no, he was polite, willing to refrain from his work for her. Damn him. Damn him damn him damn him. A deep breath she willed herself to calm down. She was not a coward, she was not weak. She would rise to this and overcome it.

Coming out from behind the tree, she had to fight herself. He was attractive, and she should not be feeling such things for him. She hardly knew him, just as an acquaintance. Her walk was steady, though every part of her screamed to leave. This was not the place for her, this was not the time. Yet still she couldn't retreat, her pride would not allow it. As she found herself in front to him she bowed slightly, looking as the ground for a place to sit. She didn't trust herself to stand. if she stood, she would have to look up at him and his face. Sitting she might better keep her gaze off of his.

"I had.. an inquiry. Several. Though I did not mean to spoil your lunch."

He was only doing his duty she told himself. He was only doing what his rank and her own called for. She shouldn't think of it, that he as offering to dirty his clothes for her. Gingerly she sat down, brushing out her dress. He was right in his thought, conquest did mind filth and dirt. At least nobles like Lan did. He sitting position was odd to her, yet, she felt weaker for it. Like he held some kind of unseen upper hand.

"I-" She started, sighing before looked away from his face. "I will not be unkind Soren. What I ask is of a delicate matter, but if I do not ask it, I will not understand you... or myself I fear." Beating around the bush she was cowardly, not being direct, she was avoiding it, avoiding him. Gold eyes moved back to his face, hard and cold. "What are your intentions towards me?"

And... She almost felt like laughing. Soren was not stupid, at least he'd never struck her as a fool, and yet his answer was perhaps, the most logical, practical thing she could have been given. Yet it was so far from the sort of answer she needed it was laughable, painful even. Soren, you might not be a fool, but you were thick, and had with the most blunt of answers had made her all the more nervous.

"No." She shifted, breathing slowly. "Soren I did not mean... Soren. I am asking about your intentions towards me as Lan, not as a fellow clanswoman. You-" The words had begun and now she felt a loss of control with them, "-you have been kind to me, without asking for anything in return, you paid me compliments, and then when you fell ill and-" She looked away. She was a fool for this, all her pride mixing with her shame. "We are allies, yet I am confused at why you treat me the way you do." Fingers bunched up in her dress. To ask so openly, she'd no doubt chosen her words poorly.

They were blunt, but for them, for her, they were needed. She didn't want doubts, she wanted an answer. It was not an answer she might have hoped for in a way, but- it was better like this. It had to be, right? Her hands shook slightly, horrible feelings welling up. Shame, embarrassment, anger, guilt, sadness, terror, fear, happiness.

The strangest feeling to have after so open a rejection.

"You're terrible in a great many ways you know that?" She didn't look up at him, her gaze on her hands, trying to stop them from their shaking, the ways they dug into the silks. "You're terrible because you lack manners and any form of decorum. You don't bother minding what your actions might be seen as, nor, do you mind how heavy your words might bare. You don't speak often Soren, and when you do it seems you speak without a filter. You speak honestly and openly, something that quite frankly, is rare in my clan. Especially in those of my rank. We're trained to not believe words, to take a compliment at face value in public, to break apart it's meaning later. Acts of kindness come with a price, you do everything to rise above others. So what do you do when someone is kind and asks for nothing? Time and time and time again?" She looked at his necklace the symbols that bound him further than his blood and fear ever might have.

"I am sorry." She couldn't help it as her next breath came, her whole body shaking as she let it out. "I am so, so sorry." An apology, something she so rarely gave. "I have placed my feelings like this upon you. I never wanted to feel this way. I never wanted to be this way. I have... I have-" She finally looked up at him, her face the edge of tears, or hurt, of wanted some way to say she was sorry further yet the word seeming useless. "Please, please tell no one this? I have shamed myself enough by misunderstanding you. If I might avoid further dishonor..." Even after everything, she would still cling to her pride. "Words cannot express my will for once. I don't know what to say aside from sorry, yet it seems such a plain word."

There was relief then- rage. Pure, uncompromising rage and grief. Misplaced to be sure, but every emotion was wound tight in her chest. Everything felt tight. Painful. Her face burned and she didn't know why. "Do not dare to call me a foal. A foal does not go to war, a child plays games, a foal does not think of their station, of how it has lost nearly all meaning, how the lair her family held for years is now lost to her. How the one person who clawed his way through his own family for her happiness is now dead; a foaldoesn't think to a thousand broken promises, a hundred of her people who she should have been able to protect are now gone, how she ordered her own people to their death as the islands fell, thinking that they might be able to save something, to save someone. Each death stains my hands Soren. Each death is my fault. I was supposed to lead them, and instead, I sent them to their doom."

Tears. Hot, burning tears were running down her face as she stood. The action was instinctive, fueled by pain, at herself, at him, at everything she'd lost and didn't know how to accept. Her bow was summoned but rather than shoot an arrow, she swung it at him, a weak blow, a blow brought on by grief. "I hate this. I hate how I can't stop myself from talking. I hate that you're right, that I'm acting childish. I hate the fact that I cannot control these feelings. You're a terrible, horrible horseman, yet I cannot help but admire you for it. For not being conquest and just being you. I hate being helpless, weak. I've been alive hundreds of years, and yet everything-" She felt like her chest was being crushed. "-I'm a fool. A fool for the vice of my clan. Of Pride. Everyone is suffering, and I don't know how to stop it. I'm supposed to lead for my people, protect them and heal them, yet I can't end my own pain. I'm a noble, born with ebony horns, with gold hair and eyes, signs of prosperity." The realization that she was crying, the ultimate betrayal of her body.

"What good is a noble who cannot even control her own tears?"

He didn't understand. She wanted to scream at him each tear was was a loss of control, a sign of weakness, something that could be used against her, would be used against her. Had he been conquest?

She would have felt the need to kill him, silence him to save herself from shame. But no, he was death, more then that he was Soren who had only treated her like everyone else.
More the fool was she.

"I'm scared." She clung to her golden bow, shaking. "I'm scared what it will show me. Of my failures. Of what I could have done. Should have done. I'm scared that I'll see his face and I won't know what I'll do." Every word a whisper. "I'm scared of what could have been."