I just want my friend back already...

[Pengi-sama]

OK so I'm a newbie here, but I thought you could maybe help me all get my head around this.

So 2 weeks ago, I got dumped by my boyfriend of 8 months. We had been long distance, so had really only been physically together for around 4 weeks of that, and he told me that he didn't see us as a couple. After I emailed him later the same day (he had broken up with me face-to-face - but ran away before I could even get my thoughts together) and it had turned out that he hadn't been over his ex (they'd gone out for about 3 months, 6 months prior to us going out). That stung a lot to hear, and I told him I didn't want contact with him in this time.

So it's been 2 weeks, and he has kept up his part of the deal. I have emailed him once, a week ago, explaining that I didn't think of him as some awful person because, on paper, it really doesn't look good - he invited me to his place, made a move on me only because he was craving affection (he admitted this), then pushed me to get intimate, and finally dumped me 3 weeks after I finally slept with him.

So how do I not think he's some terrible guy who doesn't deserve even a second of my time? Well, the answer isn't actually because I'm in love him - about 3/4 days after the break-up, and I actually really thought about it and I realised I wasn't in love with him. He doesn't know this, but since neither of us ever did the whole 'I love you' thing, it's not like either of us was lying. No, the thing is we had been good friends for 5/6 years previous to this whole thing, so I do still feel confident enough to think that this isn't something he'd have done intentionally.

EDIT When he told me it was over, he did say he still wanted to be friends, and hoped things wouldn't be too awkward. I know it's something a lot of guys say, so I shouldn't put too much importance on it. Again, I do feel like he's not the type of guy to be pulling lines, but I don't want to build my hopes up too much.

Right now, I've come to terms with everything that's happened, and I know this is really, honestly for the best. I know that I'm still attracted to him - but I was coping fine with that before we went out. I liked him about 9 months before we went out - part of which he was with his ex - and I didn't turn into some deranged jealousy monster. Also, it's not like we will physically see each other again for at least another 6 months - if at all.

The main thing is that I miss my friend, and I hate the fact I can't talk to him right now. And I don't even know when I should try and start up our friendship again, because I don't want to leave it too long. But I know too soon would be just as harmful as well. I also know there is an element of me that's scared of losing all my close friends since many of them are going abroad, getting jobs, and I just feel a little scared they're all going to disappear out of my life.

So yeah, to actually try and sum up what I want advice on:
How do I go around starting up my friendship with my ex again?
Should I actually try to? If so, should I be waiting until I feel nothing for him?
And am I being naive, forgiving him so fast?
Why do I feel like I'm going to get abandoned by my friends? gonk  

[jesusgirl115]

I don't think it's naive of you to forgive him, I think it's actually a good thing. It's never good to keep feelings like that bottled up.
But, I do think it would be a bad idea to enter a romantic relationship with him again. Think of everything he did for you. Some may be good, some may be bad. If he was willing to push you into intimacy why should he chose not to do so again?

So as for starting a friendship that could be tricky. But I think if you ask how he would feel about being friends and not push him into something or just assume he would be cool with it, you'll be okay.
Just remember that he could always say he'd rather not keep in contact anymore. Don't get your hopes up too high.

You've gone through something that could be emotionally quite traumatic. In a sense you've kinda lost a good friend of yours and it's probably normal to worry about the rest of your friends.
But I don't think you need to be. Friends will come and go, you can lose contact for a few months but re-connect and be even better friends. Life will do that to you. I think if you continue to talk to your friends, and hangout things will work out just fine : )

 

[Pengi-sama]

jesusgirl115

I don't think it's naive of you to forgive him, I think it's actually a good thing. It's never good to keep feelings like that bottled up.
But, I do think it would be a bad idea to enter a romantic relationship with him again. Think of everything he did for you. Some may be good, some may be bad. If he was willing to push you into intimacy why should he chose not to do so again?

Oh no, I know another romantic relationship would be a bad thing. We're both very similar emotionally, which is unfortunately we're both quite closed off. It's why I think it's good we won't be able to see each other in real life for a long while since that should stop any kind of relapse I think. In my head, I tell myself I would be able to tell him that I can't go through this again, but I know in reality, it might not exactly go to plan sweatdrop

Quote:

So as for starting a friendship that could be tricky. But I think if you ask how he would feel about being friends and not push him into something or just assume he would be cool with it, you'll be okay. Just remember that he could always say he'd rather not keep in contact anymore. Don't get your hopes up too high.

Wow I can't believe I wrote out that whole rant, but completely forgot to mention this - he did say he wanted to try and be friends with me still, and hoped things wouldn't be too awkward. I know this is a line a lot of guys pull, so I'll admit I'm not completely holding onto that just so I don't have any further to crash down from if it turns out we really aren't going to be friends.

Quote:

You've gone through something that could be emotionally quite traumatic. In a sense you've kinda lost a good friend of yours and it's probably normal to worry about the rest of your friends.
But I don't think you need to be. Friends will come and go, you can lose contact for a few months but re-connect and be even better friends. Life will do that to you. I think if you continue to talk to your friends, and hangout things will work out just fine : )

I know this in my head, I do think I'm probably just feeling a bit vulnerable right now. I mean, my best friend is off to China for a year in 3 weeks time, another is off to India for 6 months. Even though I disappeared off to Japan for a year, and didn't lose contact with them then, I just worry. I think once I'm back at university with my friends there, I'll probably be more comfortable since I don't have too many friends left here in my hometown sad  

[jesusgirl115]

Pengi-sama

It's why I think it's good we won't be able to see each other in real life for a long while since that should stop any kind of relapse I think. In my head, I tell myself I would be able to tell him that I can't go through this again, but I know in reality, it might not exactly go to plan sweatdrop

....he did say he wanted to try and be friends with me still, and hoped things wouldn't be too awkward. I know this is a line a lot of guys pull, so I'll admit I'm not completely holding onto that just so I don't have any further to crash down from if it turns out we really aren't going to be friends.

Then I think you guys could definitely try being friends again. Just remember if things start heading downhill you need to let him go before you get hurt again.

Quote:

...I know this in my head, I do think I'm probably just feeling a bit vulnerable right now. I mean, my best friend is off to China for a year in 3 weeks time, another is off to India for 6 months. Even though I disappeared off to Japan for a year, and didn't lose contact with them then, I just worry. I think once I'm back at university with my friends there, I'll probably be more comfortable since I don't have too many friends left here in my hometown : (

I'm sure as long as you guys, Skype or email or call then you'll stay friends. My friend moved and even though I didn't see her for almost 2 years, when I moved up there too(for separate reasons and totally unplanned) it was like nothing had changed.
So things will be just fine. And if you do lose contact, it'll be okay, sometimes friends will move on but you guys parted on a good note, and you will always have friends.