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 Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 12:19 pm
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Name: Ahkrun Erebus (until I can find a replacement name)
Blood: Seatroll █████
Gender: Male
Symbol: 
Personality: His personality is just a little unpredictable because of his highblood status, as a little grub and young wriggler he was the friendliest, kindest of trolls. Ahkrun still is that kind troll, somewhere in there. Sometimes he's a straight up jerk to other trolls. He hates his lisp and acts shy and timid around is flushcrushes. He uses his guitar as a weapon and continuously denies his skill at music. He claims he can't play the guitar well at all because he can't read sheet music and instead plays by ear. He's pretty good at keeping up amongst trolls who have recieved more musical training than he has.
Strengths:
Fit: Being up there on the hemospectrum, he tends to carry a surprising amount of power in his body for how he looks. He has no visible muscles but can sure pack a punch.
Inventive: He can find substitutions for things and his creativity is quite an aid to him in what he decides to start doing something. Its helpful when he's low on baking ingredients or materials for robotics.
Parkour: He can get about a city or forest faster than most free runners and his agility gives them the limber ability he needs to get over rooftops and through trees. Because out of some strange whim, he had the door to his hive placed on the second floor and so he has to climb up and into his hive.
Flaws:
Morbid: While talking to him, you get the sence that he's the sort of troll that wouldn't hurt a fly, but he has a very creative mind when it comes to torture ideas.
Can't work under pressure: He can't work in a stressful situation where someone is demanding something from him, and would rather avoid such situations.
Emotional: He easily falls prey to pitycrushes and sometimes has the bad luck of being around to watch them fall into the quadrant with someone else, leaving him a bit more disheartened each time.
His lisp: While not an actual flaw he counts it as one because he hates it and it never fails to upset him when he has to speak and it comes out.
Weapon: Guitar(?) [I'm not too sure what I want here XD]
Appearance: Average szed. His hair is always kept clean by regular bathing habbits. Ahkrun's horns stand straight then sweep back in a low curve. He tends to wear a t-shirt with his sign on it and a pair of shorts. He likes to wear sandals on his feet but running shoes when he plans to go running or out of the city.
Talents: Cooking, robotics, and music.
Home: Lakeside. He had painted his hive it gold with his lusus as sort of a friendship building thing.
Lusus: Seaserpent Dragon
His lusus isn't prone to abandoning him and carries him around if he gets himself hurt in any way. Ahkrun was taken in by a very caring lusus.
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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 12:59 pm
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Hi there Riffler! It's good to see you've got a quest up.
I will admit I am a little confused by Ahkrun's strengths and flaws in combination with his personality, though. The personality states that as a young wriggler, he was the friendliest, kindest of trolls. However, it doesn't discuss his current personality, which is what we're interested in C: I realize that you'd like his personality to be unpredictable; however, no one is completely unpredictable all the time. Also, it kind of comes off as him lacking a personality, which I'm sure is not the case! Maybe it'd be less confusing if you described certain scenarios - how would he react to meeting new trolls, for instance? How about fighting? Also, since he's so high on the hemospectrum, what does he think of other trolls?
Also, I'm a little confused by the statement that Akhrun acts shy and timid around trolls he's interested in. Is it an act or is it his actual personality? If it's an act, why would he act timid? If it's his personality, what caused him to act this way? Does this happen for every troll he shows an interest in?
You mention that he uses his guitar as a weapon and continuously denies his skill at music. But what is his skill at music? I'm a little confused there, too, because I don't actually know anything about his music. Does he write songs? Does he play guitar as well as using it as a weapon? Does he sing? What kind of skill at music does he deny?
Also, it might be a good idea to read a little more of the information about Hivestuck in particular. The shop is a Homestuck AU, and is as such not quite the same. First, highblood trolls don't necessarily have highblood strength - Equius and Gamzee both had extraordinary strength, but Eridan and Feferi (who are both seadwellers, like your troll) are not portrayed as having that strength. Furthermore, Hivestuck canon demonstrates that bloodcaste is not an indicator of physical or mental ability.
Now for his strengths and flaws! What you have is a good start. However, I noticed that you don't have any personality strengths for Akhrun, and that his shyness and timidity around trolls he admires has completely disappeared. That might be something to look into.
I already mentioned that highblood strength isn't necessarily a thing, and besides, your troll's strengths should be something unique to your troll, not a species or caste characteristic (since he's a seadweller, for example, "breathing underwater" is not a strength, since all seadwellers can breathe underwater C: ). Maybe you could write something about his friendliness, or try to think of another personality strength that would fit Akhrun.
Also, it might be a good idea to combine the speed and parkour strengths. Your description for parkour sounds a lot like speed, to me - you mention that he can get around a city or forest faster than others. You could keep the text you have for speed and mention how it benefits him - in running around the city or the forest, for example. However, it doesn't seem like there's much of a benefit in running around the city quickly. Are there perhaps other reasons he'd want or need to be fast? Does he run to escape pressure? Does he hunt (as some highbloods do)? Does he do competitive parkour? It'd be a lot easier to really see the benefits of his speed if you could write about it in more detail.
Now for your flaws! C:
I'm not sure that murder high is an entirely appropriate flaw for Hivestuck. There are dire consequences for killing other trolls, due to Hivestuck's unique backstory (Alternia is currently underpopulated due to Gl'b'golyb's previous Vast Glub, so our illustrious condescension doesn't want you killing off all her subjects - who'll be in her army if everyone's dead? gonk ). Furthermore, murder highs are not necessarily highblooded characteristics in Hivestuck or even in Homestuck/Hivebent. In addition, it's a bit of a cop-out to use a flaw that isn't applicable in most situations - we want to learn about how he acts most of the time, not about rare special circumstances.
Oops, you changed this while I was typing this! I like the morbid trait better than the murder high one. However, having a creative mind when it comes to torture ideas and actually going through with them are two different things. If he doesn't act on the torture ideas, it might be a better idea to put morbid in personality rather than flaws. C: Also, your flaw mentions that you get the sense that he wouldn't hurt a fly. However, that doesn't come up in his personality or in his strengths. It could be a great addition to both of them. You could call it "Good Actor," maybe? However, a good acting trait doesn't really fit in with his timidity and emotionality, unless that is also acting.
I really like your pressure flaw! I think it needs a little more development, though. I think his running from pressure makes him different. However, I'd like to know what he would do and how far he would go to avoid a situation where someone is demanding something from him. Also, what kind of pressure sets him off? If one of his friends asks him to borrow a guitar pick, does he avoid that friend until the friend has bought his own guitar pick? When his boss tells him to do something, does he kind of lag his work, or eventually quit the job? When the Imperial Condescension is conscripting trolls, does he run? Why? I think looking at different situations where he might be under pressure would really help us picture this flaw better. Also, you might want a more specific title. I'm not good at coming up with single-word descriptors, but perhaps "Collapses Under Pressure" or "Can't Take the Heat" might be more fitting?
Your lust trait is interesting! I think it could be easily more developed by tying it in with his timidity. Maybe the reason he's so timid is that he's lustful for other trolls, or easily affected by his emotions. It might need a different title, though - perhaps "emotional"? Also, running further with the lust idea - does he fall into flushcrushes and pitchcrushes easily? What does he think of romance? Focusing on lust too much might be awkward at this stage, though, since you're getting him as a kid - which should be 4-7 sweeps, I think (I'm not sure on the exact age range; someone else in the thread will definitely be able to tell you). It might be difficult to play someone that young acting lustful. I think this trait could be further developed by describing reasons that this hinders him.
It's a good idea to remember that strengths are things that would make you admired or liked, or things that help your troll. Flaws will probably be things that are annoying or disliked about your troll, or things that hinder them in day-to-day life. I'd like to see more of Akhrun's personality in his strengths and flaws, and I'd like to see his strengths and flaws in his personality.
On talents - this doesn't matter much, but could you elaborate a little on cooking and robotics? It hasn't been mentioned at all in the rest of the profile, but I'd like to perhaps see why he's into cooking or robotics. Also, it might be a good idea to limit his talents - he's just a young troll, for now, even if he's not a wriggler anymore. C: Also, I'd really like to see a little elaboration re:music, too!
Another note is the spelling - there are a few spelling and grammatical errors that jump out at me. It might be a good idea to run your profile through Word, or some other spellchecker.
Also, if you're planning to enter him in the newbie raffle, keep in mind that you can't win a seadweller there. It might be a better idea to go for another troll for that - you can certainly keep questing Akhrun for later, though. C:
I'm really sorry if I missed anything. You've got a foot in the door, though! C:
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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 1:14 pm
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O.K., let's churn out a crit.
First off with his name I personally don't see anything wrong with it. It doesn't seem like a human name and it fits the 6 letter rule so in my own opinion I don't see the need to change it. That's just me, though.
Moving on I notice you don't have much written. I guess that's fine if this is just the bare bones and you just wanted to get this out, but keep in mind you need to explain why your character is the way they are. Just saying, "he's like this" isn't enough, you need some reasoning behind it.
Getting to his personality I am left really confused. How is he unpredictable? Does he change moods at a drop of a hat? Does he react without provocation? You say how when he was younger he was really nice. Is he still nice? Did he change? If he changed, why did he change? He's shy around those he's interested in, but what do you mean by "interested in"? Do you mean in a friendly way, in a curious way, or in a romantic way? If romantic what quadrant if any in particular? He denies his skill in music, so that means he does have skill in music? Why is it he denies this? How big a part of his life is music, or is it just a random hobby? What makes him go on a "murder high"? What exactly is a murder high?
All his strengths as physical and can easily be merged into one, something along the lines of being athletic and limber. I would suggest coming up with some more strengths for him, especially non physical ones. Is he a hard worker? Does he know how to get information? Can he make anyone laugh?
What does he do when he's under pressure? Does he lash out? Does he curl up in a ball and cry? Does he just fizzle out? For Lust I don't know. You don't give us much to go on (as with the rest or your quest). Does he see a troll and then immediately wants to get in their pants? Does he stalk these trolls? What happens if they don't reciprocate? What about his other emotions? It seems like it would be a better flaw to talk about how he acts on his emotions rather than than think instead of focusing just on lust (though that would still be an important part).
Then you talk about his talents down at the bottom. Why don't you talk about these up in his personality or in his strengths? I would have never guessed he was in to cooking or robotics. What does he like to cook? Does he enjoy cooking for others? Does he build robots, or does he just read schematics and diagrams?
It seems odd to be that his lusus abandons him, but then carries him around if he gets hurt. Why does he leave him so much if he's worried about his well being? If he's gone a lot how does he find him when he gets injured?
Whoops, read that wrong.
Basically you need to delve in deeper and explain to us more about Ahkrun. As it stands he doesn't really seem to have a cohesive personality and is more like floating ideas. It's time to take these ideas and string them together into a full fledged troll! ='D
EDIT: Whoops, looks like Pope wrote up a bunch of stuff before I could post this.
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