I think I have an eating disorder.

[L4uren]

Back in February I made this thread.
And you have no idea how much I wish I never had.

February was the start of my "diet." It started out as the normal "eating less and eating healthy" thing for about a month. Then, I don't know what went wrong, it went from "I'm dieting to lose 3 pounds" to "I can't eat this, this, this, any of that, and oh my god I am so ******** fat I hate myself I want to die oh my god I'm so hungry what am I doing."

This 'diet' of mine, whatever it is, has brought so many problems along with it. I hate myself. I will start crying in the middle of a store and beg to leave because I hate trying on clothes so much. I'll refuse to go out with friends or to the pool just because I don't want people to see how fat I am. I've started cutting myself again as a result of this- I was SO PROUD of myself for not self injuring at all during 2011, but then as soon as this started I've found more reasons to be upset and to hate myself. I want this to go away. I'm tired of my life being defined by a nutrition label. I'm tired of calories. Calories. Calories. Calories. I hate that stupid ******** word.

And the worst part is I fear I've let this get out of hand because of how in denial I was about it for so long.

I’m struggling. Everyone always says things like “Oh you’re so healthy” when they see me eat a salad with no dressing while they eat burgers and candy and junk. I’m so healthy? Why? For eating the amount of calories that a 3 year old girl needs? People consider that healthy? The problem is, people seem to think that eating a small amount of calories means being healthy. It’s not healthy. I’m miserable.

My period is no longer 7 days like it was last year. IT’S ONE DAY LONG, if it even comes at all. So far I haven't gotten it this month. I'm weak, and even if I sleep for 10 hours I'm still tired. My head literally always hurts, there is not a moment that I do not have a dizzy headache. My mom says my eyes and skin look lethargic. I tell her it's just because I stayed up too late the night before. But all of this is okay because people think I’m “healthy.”

My mind… is in even worse of a state than my body. Ten PM, I’m hungry, but oh, too bad, I used all my calories.No food for me.

Eating a cupcake or something equally as ‘unhealthy’? Don’t even think of it. I’ll spend the rest of the day crying or wanting to die and so I just don’t do it, unless it’s very rarely, like on my birthday or with friends.

Every night I go to bed wishing morning would hurry up and come just so I can eat again. Start over fresh with a new day with a new amount of calories. Because I’m hungry. And I’m miserable. And I don’t know where I’m going to be this time next year if I keep going like this…

People don’t realize what a problem this is. I’m not 90 pounds so they don’t know what’s going on. I’m small, yes, at my school people say things like “Oh you’re so skinny!” but it’s a healthy looking kind of skinny. No one would ever know there was a problem.

So that's where it gets difficult. How do you ask for help when you seem to be perfectly fine? This ... thing.. I don't even know what it is. Is it an eating disorder? I have literally all of the mental symptoms of EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), but because I do allow myself to eat SOME... I feel like I'm just another stupid teenager on a diet. Maybe I don't have a problem. Maybe I'm just being overdramatic.

I've lost 17 pounds since I made that thread... the weight loss was very rapid at first and now my body refuses to lose more than 1 or 2 pounds a month, even though my habits are only getting more and more disordered.

I’ve been in this hell for 5 months. I wish I could go back to February and say to myself, “Don’t “diet."" I hate this and I honestly, truly, in every meaning of the phrase, am "at a loss" for what to do.  

[Shimo Kousetsu]

It still classifies as anorexia nervosa. You have a distorted self image and are restricting your food and caloric intake to extreme levels. That's anorexia nervosa.

The lack of more weight loss is because your body thinks that it's in a famine. Your metabolism is crawling now, trying to cling to every last bit of weight (energy) that it can, because it has no idea when the next shipment of food for it will arrive. If you start noticing a peach-fuzz-like thin down of hair growing on your skin, that's another sign; your body is losing all of its fat and can't keep itself warm.

You do have a problem. You do need to talk to someone about it. Really. Mention it to your mother; DON'T mention it to your friends at this point. Teenage girls will simply be jealous of your "conviction" or whatever, they won't realize how much harm it's doing to your body. It's a rough suggestion, but try to go to a therapist for self-image counseling. It helps. Really.

Really, I'd do anything for your figure; I'm not fat by any means (I'm 5'9, 147 lbs), but you are stick thin compared to that. I have had eating disorder issues too. It's summer now, and I barely eat at all. Maybe one meal a day, two on weekends because my boyfriend picks me up around lunchtime and knows I probably haven't eaten yet. The thing is, I'm not hungry most of the time (maybe because I sleep in), but I know I should eat more. I love fatty foods though. I love burgers, I love chips, I love cake and other sweets. I can't really turn them down. So, on weekends I eat as many calories as a normal person. I can tell I've lost weight over the summer (my waist has shrunk, but my thighs still exist in all their non-glory), but it doesn't feel like enough. Even so, I eat when I want to.

I'm not consciously focusing on weight loss or not eating. You are. That's half the problem. Just relax. Maybe start by slowly increasing your calories you're allowed every day or few days. Add in a treat like a piece of chocolate. Slowly work your way up. Do research and look up healthy weights. Try to convince yourself that you are not being healthy.

Feel free to PM me about this if you want.  

[Lady Kira X]

If you want to be happy I suggest stop dieting & pick up a fun exercise.
That way you can balance out losing weight & still being able to eat.

I've certainly had those nights where all I did was think about food & cry because I wanted nothing else but to eat.
I've also learned that doing that to yourself isn't doing any good, just harm.


So if you want to have something.. have something. Just know how to limit yourself in the proper way.

I've lost 60lbs & my fiance still calls me overweight & makes comments about me eating.
& in all honesty.. it makes me hate myself.
But you can't make everyone else happy, just you.

You be you.. whether that's fat, healthy, or skinny.
just make sure in the end you're happy.  

[L4uren]

i honestly wish it was that easy.

i tried to "recover", by bumping my intake up to around 1700 calories. I did it for one day, but the next day I just couldn't.

I feel like someone needs to just pressure me into eating more, but i have no one to do that for me.  

[Aspirins And Alcohol]

Im going to be honest here, I dodnt read your entire post.

But I do wanna tell you the fact that you know you might have a problem and they you are trying to get help is a really really really good tihng.  

[THE_FAIRY_EMPRESS]

L4uren

i honestly wish it was that easy.

i tried to "recover", by bumping my intake up to around 1700 calories. I did it for one day, but the next day I just couldn't.

I feel like someone needs to just pressure me into eating more, but i have no one to do that for me.

You defiantly can't go straight in at that many calories, just try upping it a little each day or even week, buy some nuts or something to have in your room, They have almost no calories so hopefully you won't tell your self of for eating them but they might stop the cravings and self loathing during the night. You've got to re-build your strength before you can really start to eat again. If you can't even add a little snack like that you should go to the doctor as soon as possible.  

[Shimo Kousetsu]

L4uren

If you look closely, you'll see I suggested a slight and gradual increase in your caloric intake. Maybe add 200 or so calories to your "allowed" amount every few (2-3) days. If you feel like it's rough, either tell your mother about it and get her to watch you eating or simply tell yourself that this is healthier. You're FAR more likely to lose weight if you eat enough that your metabolism is functioning. Keep that in mind while you eat. The weight loss isn't what's so unhealthy right now, it's the mindset and lack of food. Use the weight loss you crave as a tool to start eating normally. If you starve yourself you will (and have) plateau in your weight loss. You need food to have the energy to burn calories.  

[L4uren]

Shimo Kousetsu

L4uren

If you look closely, you'll see I suggested a slight and gradual increase in your caloric intake. Maybe add 200 or so calories to your "allowed" amount every few (2-3) days. If you feel like it's rough, either tell your mother about it and get her to watch you eating or simply tell yourself that this is healthier. You're FAR more likely to lose weight if you eat enough that your metabolism is functioning. Keep that in mind while you eat. The weight loss isn't what's so unhealthy right now, it's the mindset and lack of food. Use the weight loss you crave as a tool to start eating normally. If you starve yourself you will (and have) plateau in your weight loss. You need food to have the energy to burn calories.

Ahh this is so true and is, I think, the only thing that has kept me from just not eating all together. The mindset that "Well I'm going to have to eat again eventually or I'll die.. and if I starve myself my metabolism will be so messed up that I'll just plateau, or even worse gain weight."  

[StrayKit]

i cannot stress this enough. go. see. your. doctor. as soon as you can, and tell them exactly what's going on. not eating much to start with, always being hungry, the mental idea that you can't eat something that isn't viewed as healthy, fear of gaining any weight, and your period practically non-existant are signs of anorexia. you're absolutely right, eating nothing but very small portions is not healthy, even if they're healthy foods. the body needs a certian amount of colories every day in order to function proporly, and store extra energy for times when for whatever reason you are unable to find food. you should go and get help for this rather than just try and deal with it on your own, or even worse, continue to barely eat anything. your doctor can tell you what you should do and can suggest what you may want to consider.

keep in mind, getting back to eating regular portion sizes and getting your body used to it will be rough. that's normal. but you need to tell someone that you're having this problem. tell your mom to get you in to see the doctor, telling her what's happening to you may be enough for her to decide to do it without you asking. but yes, this is a disorder and you really should go and seek help for it, from whoever you can that is a medical professional. i really, really hope that you get better, stuff like this isn't easy to go through, and i wish you the absolute best with all of this