Hell's Golden Gate-- ConCrit desired!!!

[Laeriel Rhuilea]

So, I threw together a prologue for my WIP mystery novel Hell's Golden Gate. Since this is such a short prologue, my goal was to leave questions in the reader's mind, some of which to be answered in chapter one. In addition to ALL the ConCrit you can throw at me (without flaming, please) I would appreciate it if you could voice any of the questions this leaves you with. Much obliged.
Have at it!

Rated T for language and themes
__________________


She woke with the taste of sleep, whiskey, and ex-boyfriend on her lips.
Mellanie Shingo pried open heavy eyelids, groaning and tossing an arm over her eyes when morning (afternoon?) light assaulted sensitive retinas.
Reality was harsh-- getting up just wasn't worth the effort. A headache, worthy of the thunder god. The other side of the bed, cold. A half empty bottle of cheap whiskey and her cell phone were an arms-length away on the nightstand. When the phone rang, she reached for the bottle.
'I'm not here right now,' she thought, taking a pull from the bottle. 'Go away. Stop ringing, stop ringing.'
The cell fell silent and she sighed.
It began to herald text messages sent at a rapid fire pace.
"Dammit! C'mon!"
Peeved, Mellanie snatched the phone off the nightstand and glanced at the caller ID. Her friend, Natasha, who was always in the mood to talk. Especially when Mel wasn't.
She typed out a quick cant talk busy and rolled out of bed. She was too awake to sleep and her stomach was beginning to churn.
busy??? too ******** erly!
'Too early for you to text, that's for damn sure.'
srry talk later gtg
Before Nat could answer, she turned off the cell and tossed it on the bed before shuffling out to make breakfast.
Her apartment was small and sparsely furnished. One bedroom, a bathroom, and the living room that lead into the kitchen. The TV was going in the living room, tuned to the News. Which she hadn't turned on last night, too busy making out with John. Then they'd argued. Now, there was a figure sprawled languidly on the couch. Her heart sputtered.
"Jonathon, you son of a b***h! I kicked you out! I want my goddamn key back, get your a** off my couch, get your stuff, get the ******** out!"
She approached the back of the couch, the side facing her, and kicked it hard.
"I said get OUT!"
Slowly, on his own damn time, the man got to his feet and faced her. Not Jonathon. Her eyes rounded and she stumbled back.
"Son of a b***h," Mellanie breathed.
The man simply grinned. Deceptively cordial. Predatory. A cruel hand reached in his coat pocket.
"You look lovely today, Mellanie."

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It seems way too short to me but... /le shrug  

[m0ffle]

Tis good, but I get the feeling that the description of the room holds no purpose to the story. In writing, everything needs to prove a point; otherwise things end up a bit off-kilter. When describing a man for instance:

"He was large and his suit was finely stitched; as he reached to grab Riley's hand she could see the sweat on his wrist- it was almost as though he was nervous to meet her, but he couldn't have been. The man had a laugh, a horrible, counterfeit laugh- one he had practiced while making deals. She heard this laugh when he first spoke, and was put off by the idea of working under him for several hours afterword."

I digress, just make sure everything paints a picture in the readers head- it is most important for horror.
P.S. The suspense was nice. (:  

[Laeriel Rhuilea]

m0ffle

I definitely see what you mean. It's difficult to distinguish between what's necessary and what's frivolous. To me, at least. I'll go back to alter it. Thank you!

P.S. Was it really? I'm actually really surprised. lol.  

[m0ffle]

You have it- the idea is to immerse the reader. A little bit of detail is good, but remember that it needs to add to the experience.

Quote:

A half empty bottle of cheap whiskey and her cell phone were an arms-length away on the nightstand. When the phone rang, she reached for the bottle.

Amazing.

Quote:

One bedroom, a bathroom, and the living room that lead into the kitchen.

Your call.

Actually, this whole thing is pretty amazing. I think it is just that one sentence that serves no purpose, yet at the same time it builds the scene. Shrug off everything I said before, you are fine.  

[Laeriel Rhuilea]

m0ffle

You have it- the idea is to immerse the reader. A little bit of detail is good, but remember that it needs to add to the experience.

Quote:

A half empty bottle of cheap whiskey and her cell phone were an arms-length away on the nightstand. When the phone rang, she reached for the bottle.

Amazing.

Quote:

One bedroom, a bathroom, and the living room that lead into the kitchen.

Your call.

Actually, this whole thing is pretty amazing. I think it is just that one sentence that serves no purpose, yet at the same time it builds the scene. Shrug off everything I said before, you are fine.

I'm not sure about that sentence either, now that you mention it. I guess its important, to orient the reader, but the scene could work without it. But at the same time it makes a pretty good transition... I just don't know. lol. I'll toy with it a little, and see what happens.  

[m0ffle]

Like Hemingway said, just sit on the typewriter and bleed.  

[Laeriel Rhuilea]

Sounds like a plan!  

[Night Kunoichi]

Very interesting beginning. I'm curious as to what's going on. :3  

[Laeriel Rhuilea]

Night Kunoichi

Very interesting beginning. I'm curious as to what's going on. :3

Thank you. >w<  

[Laeriel Rhuilea]

I'm starting to wonder about the pacing. :/ But I don't want to fix what ain't broke.  

[Munashii the Unseen]

The pacing is a bit fast, but no so much that it'll kill.

A little bit more detail is always good.

...I really like the suspense. I want to know what's going to happen next! D:  

[Laeriel Rhuilea]

Sagittariis Munashii

The pacing is a bit fast, but no so much that it'll kill.

A little bit more detail is always good.

...I really like the suspense. I want to know what's going to happen next! D:

Maybe I can elaborate a little on the argument... hmmm... Thanks!

I might work on the first chapter later, but right now I'm dead tired. lol.