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Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 11:50 am
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2012 10:03 am
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Ok, there are a few things to address here. Your intro should not be put there. Show don't tell. Instead have the girls first talk about the dare that they have to do. Intros like yours should only be in scripts. Also I find the Friday the 13th setting to be cliche. Some of the best horror tales can occur on the most unassuming nights.
Also you use the word "said" way too many times. And you use other words that vary back to back. People don't just talk: they whisper, they call, they yell, they moan, they groan, they snap, they reply, they scold, they snarl, the list goes on. Another thing is this: "Are you crazy I'm not going in the woods at this time of night." Jordan says being scared, "I don't like the dark." Jordan says.
You did that several times and you can take out the extra Jordan says. If you add a comma like I did after being scared, people will know whatever statement that follows is still the same person speaking.
Another thing that bugs me is that you have no description here. No idea about the forest other than the name, no smells, sights or anything. Basically with how you wrote this, the forest is silent and there is NO such thing as a silent forest. Then with the strange sounds you don't describe them at all. What do they sound like? Is it low growls? Odd humming? Leaves crunching?
Ultimately this looks like something that would be a good summary of events for yourself but I strongly feel you need to add more. Anyways, I know that was a long list but don't let that daunt you. Keep on working at it!
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