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A/N: I originally had this on my fanfic account but decided to post it on here as well. This actually came up during a conversation with a friend of mine and I thought it would be funny. xD I credit her for helping suggest a few inconvenient scenarios. Anyway, enjoy.
Many people throughout his career as a ninja have asked him why he wears a mask. Of course, he never answers the question and usually gives some ambiguous reply of no consequence or substance. Much like his excuses for when he's late to arrangements, vague and always lies. The fact was that Kakashi had worn his mask for such a long time that it was now very much a part of him. Why did he even start wearing a mask? Well the answer was quite a simple one. As a child, first starting out on his path to become a shinobi, he thought it would be cool and mysterious to add to his image. Of course, it really didn't do much but such were the thoughts of children. So he began to wear his garment to wrap his person in obscurity. However, when he matured, the damage had been done and he could never remove it in public again.
But one might ask why he continued the usage of his mask. He normally shrugged noncommittally and just would say "It helps me on my path of life." Most people would sigh and not press the issue and just continue on their business. Which was just what he wanted. However when it came to people like Naruto, would not accept that and continue to press the subject. Which is exactly what he was doing right now. Asking the question insistently around mouthfuls of ramen while Kakashi enjoyed his own bowl of ramen with a genjutsu cast so no one would realize he was eating.
"Ne, Kakashi-sensei come on! Why won't you tell me? Why can't I see?"
"Oh Naruto, I couldn't do that to you." He said casually, "You see I am just simply so attractive that I fear you would lose your sight."
"You liar!"
"Hm, perhaps. You'll just have to satisfy yourself with that answer."
Kakashi dispelled his genjutsu when he had finished his ramen and leaned back slightly in his stool, giving a satisfied sigh. His eye crinkled in amusement when Naruto's eyes bulged from his head and his jaw dropped to hang open in shock.
"When did you eat your ramen?" He screeched, causing Kakashi to wince.
"Hm, now that's strange. My ramen suddenly disappeared," the silver-haired jonin said lightly, "I guess I'll have to come back tomorrow."
His gloved hands came together to rapidly form familiar seals and he was gone in a puff of smoke, leaving Naruto without an explanation. When he reappeared into his apartment he made his way to the bathroom where he would shower. The jonin winced at the thought of the room in question. Mirrors were a chronic fear of Kakashi's as they reminded him what his mask was hiding. See what had started off as a childish quest to make himself look cool had delivered irreparable damage.
Tanlines. Horrible, garish, ghastly tanlines. There was that perpetual odd shaped dark tan around his right eye whilst the rest of his face was a fair skinned tone. A shudder rolled through his spine when he thought of his face. The mask and his head band hand left a permanent tan on his face. Now Ninja Tan was not an uncommon thing in Hidden villages and most shinobi had them somewhere. The headbands always left lines upon everyone's skin but Kakashi's must have been the worst case in all of The Land of Fire! That is next to Shino who has a permanent tan from his round lensed sun glasses and high collar jacket that he could not hide if he chose to wear a different outfit. Kakashi, should the urge strike him, could simply don a pair of sunglasses and most might not notice. As it were, the Jonin will never step out in public without the protection of his precious mask and headband.
Of course many would not think this much of a big deal. There were other options to balance out his skin tone again. Kakashi had once gone to a tanning bed, disguised as a woman, and attempted to correct the problem. However, being inexperienced in the matters of a tanning salon (and ignoring the instructions from the lady at the front desk because he was in such a rush to correct this problem) he overstayed the time in the bed. He would not be trying that option again for certain tender bits of him burned for days. Next he tried Tanning oil. Well…..the less said about that the better. Suffice it to say that he no longer cared for the color Orange and it was not because of Naruto.
Then there was foundation. This was an option that Kakashi had seriously contemplated. He had been on the way to the convenient store to purchase a few bottles and when he walked in, he found his rival Gai and Rock Lee buying a pair of tweezers. What they were going to use them for, Kakashi had no idea and did not plan to ask. This at first did not deter him from his destination but there were other things lurking in that convenient store that made him never wish to risk buying make-up again. For starters he passed Sasuke in the hair gel isle, engrossed in a Cosmopolitan magazine with the cover saying: "The Best Way to Get Revenge."(How the girls went wild over him, he would never understand as reading cosmopolitan was not something that emphasized ones manliness.) Even more disturbing, in his free hand he was clutching a box of Midol and at his feet was a box of feminine napkins. Kakashi was unable to look at Sasuke for a week after this incident. And then he found Sakura and Hinata shopping for hair dye together. (He knew that those hair colors were not natural!)
Then it got stranger. He found Shino slipping by, with a box of lice treatment tucked conspicuously under his arm as he darted his head back and forth to make sure no one saw. Neji was on the shampoo isle, carefully inspecting two different conditioners (It would seem that Tenten was the only normal one from that team). And then he found Kiba buying some flea bath and Kakashi decided that he really did not want to know. When at last he reached the make-up isle, he found Ino who was wearing an overly large hoodie with said hood pulled low over her face as she tried to hide a zit that had popped up on her forehead and perused the foundation. Kakashi decided then that he had seen enough and promptly left the convenient store never to return again.
Of course many would be shocked to find that because of his mask, he reads Icha Icha Paradise. Kakashi had been called a dirty old man many times before (although he thinks that he is not THAT old but if people were so stuck on that mindset, who was he to argue with them?) and that always came from reading his erotic graphic novels. Truth was, he read that series because it was difficult for him to get a good lay. There was a shortage of females in Konoha who would sleep with him because he refused to remove his mask. So that meant, he as a grown man was rarely, if ever, getting sex. Even GAI was getting more tail than him and that was just damned humiliating. Kakashi had tried using blindfolds, there were plenty of women who were into that kinky stuff, but after that incident with Kurenai, he would not be risking that again.
Not to mention the mask was unbearably hot. Summer in Konoha was surely made to torture his person as every five minutes he was forced to steal a few cubes of ice from a local restaurant and shove them behind the black material to provide relief for his face. It would also cause an overbearingly itchy rash when he had sweated too much and would be forced to purchase some itch cream from a nearby store. Now he would build up a large stock during the spring so he would have a full stock when summer came around.
He could no longer go on important missions to Rain Village because he was far too conspicuous to get anything done. The last time he went, naturally it was raining and he was forced to wear a hood to shield himself from the downpour. However, coupled with the mask made him look like a suspicious character and the mission ended with an unfortunate incident with the local authorities, an umbrella and a candy bar. Gai has yet to let him live that down. Also by the time he returned to Leaf, Kakashi nearly fainted because his mask is also excellent at retaining water and had mildewed. Even the gate guards could smell him and nearly fell over because of the stench. One of them had even affectionately nicknamed him "Millie".
Then came the matter of his birthdays. Last year his squad had thrown together a surprise party for him and had invited quite a few people. The festivities were coupled with a large cake, complete with lit candles that he was to blow it. It was on this day that Kakashi discovered the hard way that it was impossible to blow out candles with a mask without getting very close. No one ever spoke of this day again and he will forever insist that he does not have birthdays to all who ask.
The fact of the matter was, the mask was far more trouble than what it was worth. A mistake he had made as a child, he will have to continue to pay for as an adult. Kakashi dreamed of the day where he would be able to burn his mask without fear. As it were, it would forever remain a part of his wardrobe.
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